Manti Te'o's girlfriend is so hot right now.
Maxim Magazine, much like your wacky uncle and sober bartender, thought to continue something we thought had died long ago. No, not the actual girlfriend—who never existed, let alone died—of the former Notre Dame linebacker, I am talking about the jokes surrounding her.
Maxim included every last nonexistent curve and sultry wisp of invisible hair of Lennay Kekua's in its annual breakdown of the hottest women in the world.
Here she is fellas:
Awesome. Some fake woman is having a better year than I am.
The bio the magazine included is just as wonderful: "After Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend hoax of 2012, we think it might be nice to have an invisible girl of our own to love. Why not? She's got a ton of great qualities, including looking awesome in a bikini."
For those hoping to make it through this post without a nosebleed, this is the moment we recap the strangest story in hook-up history.
The entire extravaganza was thoroughly covered by Deadspin, who originally broke the story of Te'o's girlfriend—Lennay Kekua, a young woman the nation believed had died tragically during the season—who never really existed.
It was all a ruse perpetrated by Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a young man the world just sort of forgot about after a while. A couple of nationally televised interviews later, the nation had the very real sense that a truly moving story was a great, big bunch of bull.
Since that time, Te'o has answered endless questions surrounding the hoax, making a once remarkable and shocking story, well, boring.
He was then selected by the San Diego Chargers at the NFL draft, which gave every last cyber-wiseacre what seemed to be the very last chance to try out that perfect fake-girlfriend joke they had been workshopping for months.
Now would be the point we shake our heads in Maxim's direction, because this joke is old enough to eat solid foods.
For years, the magazine's annual list has been a measure for the females who matter most in pop culture. Yes, every last one is very real and very beautiful, but they also have to move the meter of what we care about.
In a year that has been as bizarre as it has been memorable, the truth about Te'o's girlfriend has been a story—a very real one at that.
So there, we can now call this thing. As of Thursday, May 9, all jokes revolving around Te'o and his fake girlfriend are now dead.
Let them rest in peace.
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