15 Reasons You Should Be Paying Attention to Everything J.R. Smith Does
Why? Because as of the last several months or so, the New York Knicks’ sixth man/human highlight reel has cranked out more ridiculous plays, troubling statements and otherwise goofy greatness than anyone else in the National Basketball Association—including Metta World Peace.
Don’t believe me? Well, click on and I’ll show you exactly why J.R. Smith is the full-service entertainment package we’ve all desperately needed, both off and on the court.
Allow me to present to you—the remarkable Mr. Smith.
He Can Forget Grown Men with a Single Elbow
The 2013 playoff series between the Knicks and Celtics has been a chippy affair, but no one could’ve guessed it was going to produce the brand of amnesia J.R. Smith is now displaying.
Smith was ejected from Game 3 of the series after elbowing veteran Celtics guard Jason Terry in the throat, and he told reporters he had no idea who Terry was after the game.
“Who?” Smith told reporters when they mentioned Terry. “I have no idea who that is.”
So it’s not what you’d call the most honorable “skill,” but Smith’s ability to forget about decking another man is still jaw-dropping in its own extremely passive-aggressive way.
He's a Man of Faith
♫ Lord we lift the trey on hiiiigh. Lord we love to swing its praaaiises ♫
J.R. Smith holds “Trey”—god of the all-swishing three-ball—in the highest regards, and will offer up his thanks to him at any and all opportunities.
And whether it’s the three-to-the-dome salute or his palm-raising gesticulation to the heavens, Smith’s celebrations are always a good time.
He’s a Pipesman and a Gentleman
If you’re not following J.R. Smith on Twitter, well, you’re gonna have a bad time.
Smith’s most infamous handcrafted moment of majesty on the social media network occurred in February, when a young female direct messaged Smith, telling him she would be at his game.
It was a classic case of a girl tweeting to a boy, asking him to acknowledge her; to which the boy replied, “You trying to get the pipe?”
Smith’s conversation with the girl was somehow leaked to the media and provoked the Knicks guard to utilize Instagram in order to clarify his words. And it was amazing.
He Stole Black Jesus
J.R. Smith ordered $25,000 in bling from a jewelry company in 2010 and straight up did not pay a flipping dime for it.
The jeweler—a store named Lemmerman’s—approached Smith with a lawsuit after he failed to pay for a diamond necklace, two black Jesus pendants and some earrings.
Instead of responding or something crazy like that, Smith apparently took the Lebowski route and ignored the situation entirely until a judge finally ordered him to pay up.
At least they didn’t take the Creedence.
He Has Solid Fashion Sense
It doesn’t take a style guru to call out a grown man with children on his choice to wear a polka dot dress shirt.
That being said, Smith had the follow through and gumption to stick it to Knicks head coach Mike Woodson on his criminally offensive choice of wardrobe before a game against the Raptors in March.
Smith posted a picture of Woodson’s goofy polka-dotted nightmare on Instagram, along with the hashtag “#Top5WorstShirtsIveSeenInMyLife!”
Also, black hasn't been a good color for the Knicks at all lately.
He's Completely Unpredictable
Just when you’re getting comfortable and thinking “Alright, J.R. Smith is a big boy. He can hit the rim with the ball,” he doesn’t.
Why? Because forget your expectations, that’s why.
Some might see a fluke here, but I see a calculated decision by Smith to cover his bases and make good and sure he has a play on ESPN’s “Not Top 10 Plays” to accompany his dunks on the regular highlight reel.
That’s called “saturation marketing.”
Dunks on Dunks on Dunks On...
J.R. Smith is to flight as seal is to swim.
If you get in this man’s way during his flight to the basket, you will be hurt, maimed or otherwise embarrassed.
Also, more dunking:
He Keeps It 100 Percent
Bro, get that Panasonic out of J.R. Smith’s face before he smacks it onto the floor and you end up crying all over your Crocs.
Smith isn’t trying to be rude, but he hates it when guys get in his face asking for pictures. That’s just how he feels, and he’s going to let you know about it.
So if you’re tired of your passive aggressive roommates leaving notes for you about the dishes in the sink, Smith is your kind of guy.
He’s an Inspiration for Us All
Who else starts with a high school yearbook quote like “Get chicks or die trying” and makes it this far in life?
Most guys who would’ve given that statement to the nerds in the yearbook club work for a bait shop or Groupon now.
Not J.R. Smith, who’s went on to the NBA, where he’s pulling down Sixth Man of the Year awards.
He Trolls Constantly
J.R. Smith is kind of like the Dikembe Mutombo of social media—if you throw up some weak garbage on his browsing time, he’s going to swat that mess out of the air, usually with a clever derp-faced remark.
A good example of Smith being the troll under the Internet bridge were his remarks to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries. After a win over the Knicks at Madison Square Garden, Humphries tweeted about how quiet the crowd was as he walked off the floor.
Obviously, trolls have to troll, and Smith was quick to remind Humphries how loud the place was when his ex-wife’s new boyfriend was “tearing it down” in the stadium the prior month.
He’s a Shape-Shifter
The J.R. Smith who denied his awareness of Jason Terry’s existence is somehow also the same J.R. Smith who turned around and used the word “humble” in an interview six times after losing to the Celtics just days later.
Don’t count it as a full Animorph-ing, but the guy can shift personas at the drop of a game, if need be.
Smith’s got to stay slippery. He can’t just up and be predictable or something.
He Can Throw Daggers
He Knows How to Leave Work at Work
You can’t bring those spreadsheets home with you everyday, you’ll go crazy and your friends will stop inviting you out for Chili’s and rosay night on Wednesdays.
J.R. Smith knows these things, that’s why he headed to the club on Monday night, according to Charged.fm, instead of worrying needlessly about being suspended from Game 4 of the Knicks-Celtics series.
He’s not about to go take that ejection baggage home with him and sulk over a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream. Smith doesn’t bring negativity into the temple that is his home—he throws on a weird shirt and flushes it out at the bar like the rest of us.
He's Just Klownin
If you’ve ever taken a moment to ogle at the canvas of ink on his body, you probably believed J.R. Smith when he said he will get a Knicks tattoo if his team wins the NBA Finals in 2013.
Smith has over 100 tattoos on his body, and despite the fact he’ll be a free agent this summer, he’s committed to inking the blue and orange into his skin if the Knicks go home with the Larry O’Brien Trophy the end of the playoffs.
The guy is basically like a walking scrapbook of Smith-ism’s, and he’d probably let you carve your grocery list into his palm if you ask nicely.
He’s Crazy, Lovable and Hateable
Calling J.R. Smith a “polarizing” figure in basketball is a bit lofty a statement, but the truth is this: You’re either #TryingToGetThePipe or you’re not.
New York’s craziest basketball player is hated, loved and even forgotten at times, but the J.R. Swish Show isn’t likely to go off the air any time soon, so adjust your television screens and ready your popcorn accordingly.