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Preakness 2013: 20 Best 'Breaking Bad'-Themed Horse Names

Adam HirshfieldFeatured ColumnistMay 16, 2013

Preakness 2013: 20 Best 'Breaking Bad'-Themed Horse Names

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    Horse racing is back! And with Orb's win at Churchill Downs two Saturdays ago, another Triple Crown pursuit has been set in motion. 

    And with all of the excitement that arises on and around the track at the same time each spring, another slightly less widely known—yet equally annual—rite of spring has finally arrived—the yearly "making fun of horse names" piece from your friends at Bleacher Report.

    In previous years, we've used classic TV shows like Seinfeld and Arrested Development as the inspiration for names we'd suggest for Triple Crown thoroughbreds. 

    So this year, why not take a more dramatic approach and go for something that appeals to the wide swath of TV viewers (i.e., the sickos) who live and die by the happenings on Breaking Bad.

    Sure, the AMC show isn't coming back until Aug. 11, but there's no better time to prep for the final eight episodes than now.

    Let's stop horsing around and get to the 20 best Breaking Bad-inspired horse names.

    ***

    [There are SPOILER ALERTS aplenty in the subsequent slides, so if you don't want to know basic storylines or major reveals from the show's first four-and-a-half seasons, you might want to avert your gaze.]

    [There are also some violent and mildly sexual themes ahead—think of them as PG-13—so be warned.]

20. Caballo Sin Nombre

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    The title of an episode early in the third season, "caballo sin nombre" literally means "horse with no name," a la the 1971 hit from the band America, which is played during the episode.

    It seems that the title refers to Walter White and Jesse Pinkman's adventures with meth out "in the desert sun."

    Obviously, it would be a perfect name for a thoroughbred. Perhaps a bit confusing, since it's basically suggesting that the horse's name is "Horse Without a Name," but there's something cool and "meta" about that, right?

    [Just how much meth have I been smoking?]

19. Vamonos Pest

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    Another horse name of Spanish-language derivation, "Vamonos Pest" is the name of the exterminating company serving as the front for White's meth-cooking business.

    "Vamonos" translates to "let's go," so can't you hear Tom Durkin screaming it now: "Vamonos Pest...down the stretch!"

    It's almost like he's rooting for the horse—but only if you understand español.

18. Bogdan's Eyebrows

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    OK, this is a terrible name for a horse. 

    But I needed an excuse to show a photo of Bogdan's eyebrows.

    A case could be made, however, that the former owner of the car wash is hairier than most Triple Crown horses.

17. Second Cellphone

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    It took Walt's second cellphone for his wife Skylar to catch him in his lie and to figure out that something strange was afoot.

    So perhaps all it would take for jockey Gary Stevens to catch Joel Rosario (aboard Kentucky Derby winner Orb) is a horse named Second Cellphone.

16. Say My Name

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    Another name that scores points on its confusion-creating value alone, "Say My Name" comes from the intro scene of a fabulous fifth-season episode. 

    It's an example of Walt showing his newfound and growing self-assurance in meeting an intimidated competitor.

    Tell me that kind of confidence wouldn't serve a Preakness horse well as he lines up against his foes on the track at Pimlico.

15. Huell

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    One of lawyer Saul Goodman's henchmen, Huell (played by comedian Lavell Crawford) is one of the most hilarious and unsung stars of Breaking Bad.

    Extremely overweight and a member of Saul's "A-Team," Huell is present for the maiming of Ted Beneke and is known for falling asleep while standing.

    Also acceptable as a horse name: "Fingers Like Hot Dogs," which Saul, at one point, says that Huell has.

14. Pizza on the Roof

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    The derivation of this name is pretty clear: Upset when Skylar kicks him out of the house, Walt throws a pizza on the roof in frustration.

    It's a bit silly for a horse name but is no sillier than "Mylute," which drew the No. 5 spot for Saturday's race.

13. Everyone Knows It's Windy

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    Undoubtedly the filthiest character on the whole show, Wendy, the meth-addicted prostitute, may look like a horse, but she's really just the first half of that word.

    She's also the subject of one of the show's more memorable intros (you can watch the video, but be warned, there are "adult situations" within), one that features The Association's 1967 hit "[Everyone Knows It's] Windy" (which, I guess, sounds a lot like "Wendy"). 

    Who's peeking out from under a stairway

    Calling a name that's lighter than air?

    Who's bending down to give me a rainbow?

    Everyone knows it's Windy.

    Whatever the case, it isn't that hard to imagine a horse named Windy blowing down the back stretch like a cool summer breeze.

    And Windy has wings to fly

    Above the clouds.

12. Fly

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    One of the best episodes in the show's run, "Fly" features only Walt and Jesse in Gus Fring's laboratory. Walt spends much of it freaking out because his lab has been contaminated by a single buzzing insect that he's convinced will ruin their entire cook.

    He tries tirelessly to kill it, severely hurting himself in the process, but the fly has an uncanny ability to slip out of his clutches at the last second. 

    That trait would only help a horse named Fly, as he battled down the home stretch toward the finish line.

11. Tortuga

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    A rowdy drug-runner for the Mexican cartel, the memorable Tortuga (literally, "tortoise") is played by veteran actor Danny Trejo. He turned informant to the DEA in El Paso, and (Walt's brother-in-law) Hank's first job there was to get Tortuga to dish on his fellow cartel members.

    After doing so, he is quickly killed by the cartel, his severed head is mounted on an actual tortoise and a bomb is attached that explodes and kills one agent and injures three more.

    [If that sentence doesn't sell you on Breaking Bad, I don't know what will.]

    Anyway, Tortuga would be a great horse name just for the backward, almost anachronistic qualities it presents. It's like calling a fat guy Toothpick. Hilarious.

10. Leaves of Grass

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    Walt Whitman's legendary collection of poetry eventually leads Hank to realize who and what his brother-in-law really is. See, Gale Boetticher has inscribed a copy of the book to his "other favorite W.W."

    Hank has seen the inscription before, but only while sitting on the toilet at Walt and Skylar's house does he realize who this W.W. really is.

    "Leaves of Grass" is a crummy name for a horse, but the inherent "poetry" of it would likely appeal to the well-to-do owners and fans cheering in the stands.

9. Skinny Pete

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    Skinny Pete is one of Jesse's friends/meth dealers. He's a rail-thin, shady-looking gent who's spent time in prison with Tuco. 

    Along with his partner in stonerness Badger, Skinny Pete attended Jesse's Narcotics Anonymous group to make contact with fellow addicts—then sell them their goods.

    As a name for a racehorse, "Skinny Pete" works in a fun, nicknamey sort of way.

8. The One Who Knocks

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    Again, this is a convoluted name for a Triple Crown horse.

    But it is one of the greatest lines in the show's run—neigh, in television history!—so I'll give myself a pass.

    Also an acceptable option: "I Am the Danger."

7. Blue Sky

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    Walt and Jesse are renowned in the Southwest for the purity of their meth, approximately 99.1 percent.

    But their calling card is the product's blue color. Hence, the name "blue sky."

    This is a great name for a thoroughbred known for steaming to the lead and not having to contend with other horses jockeying for position. It's like the term "clean air" in NASCAR, which alludes to a car and driver not having to deal with the exhaust from other cars ahead.

    As was the case with Secretariat at the 1973 Belmont Stakes, there's only Blue Sky ahead.

6. Krazy-8

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    Ah, yes...Krazy-8. We hardly knew ye.

    One of the original, low-level meth dealers who appears to die in Walt's phosphane-gas explosion but surprisingly comes back to life, Krazy-8 is held in Jesse's basement and eventually becomes Walt's very first kill.

    There's no real horse reference here, but it's no less moronic a name than the equally poorly spelled Govenor Charlie.

5. Lily of the Valley

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    In one of the show's great twists, the end of Season 4 includes a storyline where Walt tries to convince Jesse that it was just an accident that a secret ricin-filled cigarette has poisoned Brock, the son of Andrea, Jesse's girlfriend. Heisenberg tells his "grasshopper" to get off his high horse—that Gus did it to frame him and to turn Jesse on his co-conspirator when Walt needs his loyalty most. 

    As usual, Jesse falls into line, and though he is questioned by the police for suggesting the ricin connection, he stays out of prison and supports Walt's vengeance against Gus.

    Of course, Walt was pulling the strings all along and had one of Saul's men—presumably Huell—poison young Brock.

    The doctors eventually save Brock, thanks partially to Jesse's suggestion. Interestingly, however, they find out that it wasn't ricin that threatened his life, but Lily of the Valley, a poisonous plant later found in Walt's backyard. 

    [Cue the shocking music.]

    A better name for a filly, "Lily of the Valley" is another moniker that would appeal to the posh socialites who tend to own these uber-expensive horses. 

4. Hector's Bell

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    "Ding." One bell for "Yes," zero for "No."

    Hector "Tio" Salamanca is one of the creepiest, most poignant characters on the show. A former member of the cartel in Mexico who is now confined to a wheelchair, Hector spends his days in a nursing home ringing a bell as his only mode of communication. 

    At the end of Season 4, Hector and his bell team up with Walt to bring about the end of Gus in what is arguably the show's most iconic scene.

    I love "Hector's Bell" as a horse name because the races often start with a bell ringing. Surely some fans in attendance are ringing bells to urge on the horses, too, like fans do with ski racers at winter sporting events.

    Do you think this could work as a horse's name?

    "Ding."

3. Kafkaesque

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    Witness this brilliant piece of dialogue:

    Group leader: "Jesse? Jesse? What about you? ... How's it all going? Anything you wanna tell us about?"

    Jesse: "What, like my interesting life? Uh, one day pretty much bleeds into the next. Been working a lot. Got a job."

    Group leader: "Job is good."

    Jesse: "It's...it's in a laundromat. It's totally corporate."

    Group leader: "Corporate laundromat."

    Jesse: "It's, like, rigid. All kinds of red tape. My boss is a d---. The owner, super d---. I'm not worthy to meet him, but I guess everybody's scared of the dude. The place is full of dead-eyed d-----bags, the hours suck and nobody knows what's going on, so..."

    Group leader: "Sounds kind of Kafkaesque."

    Jesse: "Yeah. Totally Kafkaesque."

    It may not make a lick of sense to either Jesse or horse-racing enthusiasts, but yeah...totally Kafkaesque.

2. Better Call Saul

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    Though he starts off slowly and, early on, seems like more of a slimy annoyance than a significant character, Saul Goodman becomes a major player in Walt's little business venture.

    A strip-mall attorney who thrives in his work on the wrong side of the law and fully embraces his sketchiness, he is known by everyone in Albuquerque for his ridiculous late-night TV ads that end with the tagline, "Better call Saul!"

    His calling card would be an excellent name for a horse, though. To be fair, it would probably be scrunched into one word—Bettercallsaul—a la actual Preakness competitor Itsmyluckyday.

1. Chicken Man

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    The well-to-do local philanthropist and proprietor of the "Los Pollos Hermanos" fast-food chain, Gustavo Fring is the main villain of Season 4.

    But, see, this is a horse of a different color: The restaurants are just a cover for his international meth empire. Walt and Jesse work for Gus for a while, making millions in the process, but when Walt's value to Gus wanes, their professional relationship turns vicious.

    Despite his success and the respect he garners in the community, he is derisively called the "Chicken Man" behind his back.

    Who wouldn't put a five-spot on "Chicken Man" to show at Pimlico this weekend?

    ***

    What great names have we missed? Leave them in the comments section below.

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