The Detroit Lions have made it official by selecting Matt Stafford from the University of Georgia as their number one pick in the NFL's 2009 Draft. Additionally, they made him one of the highest paid player's in the NFL by giving him a $78 million dollar contract with $41.7 million dollars guaranteed.
Detroit Lions coaching staff were excited at the prospect of giving Stafford the opportunity to learn how to backup elite quarterbacks from teams that are actually committed to building successful, winning seasons and occasionally even going to post season playoff games.
Assistant Coach Ivan Peter Frehley is in charge of training quarterbacks in the art of reacting to throwing interceptions in football games as well as the proper display of headware (such as baseball caps) on the sideline when discussing plays between offensive series. He also teaches young quarterbacks how to properly absorb hits when they are sacked by players on the opposing team.
"He probably won't be able to take a hit like Joey could," said I.P., which is the name that players affectionately call Coach Frehley. "But I'm sure he'll be given plenty of opportunities to learn!"
The Detroit Lions have a proud history of developing second string Quarterbacks and distributing them to many teams throughout the NFL. Charlie Batch, backup Quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, is probably the most prominent backup Quarterback to come from Detroit's highly esteemed backup Quarterback training program. He has won two Superbowl rings by backing up Ben Roethlisburger, the starting Quarterback for the Steelers.
"I'm extremely grateful for the experience that Detroit gave me before I came to Pittsburgh," said Batch. "I wouldn't be the player that I am today without the experiences that I got playing for the Lions."
When asked if he'd ever consider coming back to Detroit to help Stafford become a professional football player, Batch chuckled. Then he smiled and started laughing hysterically. He then proceeded to clutch his stomach and fall to the ground, rolling around and laughing uncontrollably. "I think I'm going to pee myself," said Batch, in between laughs.
However, Kitna's experiences with Detroit weren't as positive as Batch's experiences. When asked how he felt about the Detroit Lions, Kitna replied, "The Detroit Lions are Satan's football team." His eyes then rolled into the back of his head, he stood up on his chair and he began speaking in tongues.
But perhaps the most prominent player to graduate from Detroit's esteemed backup Quarterback training program is Joey Harrington, who is the third string Quarterback for the New Orleans Saints. When asked how he felt about being relegated from a starting Quarterback to a backup Quarterback, Harrington responded with, "I am NOT a backup Quarterback. I'm the dude that BACKS UP the backup Quarterback."
In the meantime, Stafford is excited about being given the opportunity to be a backup Quarterback in the NFL. When asked which player in the NFL he'd like to backup, Stafford expressed dismay that Brett Favre had retired from football. "That dude never went down!" said Stafford. "I guess the next best bet would be Peyton Manning."
This article is purely satire. Without a decent offensive line, Stafford probably won't be able to stay healthy enough to have an extended career long enough to back up anybody in the NFL.