The Five Most Embarrassing Commercials To Watch with Your Daughter During the Game

I thought it was cool when I was a prepubescent boy curious about all things sex.

I thought it was cool when I was in college, watching the game with my buddies.

I even thought it was cool as a single guy in my early 20s.

Now I have a little girl that is counting on me to show her the way, and not only is it no longer cool, it is no longer tolerable.

Sports programming was always geared toward kids and was considered family programming when I was growing up. Watching the game with your Mom or Dad as a little tyke was an American rite of passage. It is how most of us learned the game, and even bonded with our parents.

Now, it seems to be geared more toward my generation. The one with the major Peter Pan complex. The one that won't grow up and realize it isn't all about them.

Frankly, I no longer feel I need to be entertained with adult themes and images 24/7. Can we quit it with the suggestive advertising already? My 5-year-old daughter is in the room, and I am trying to teach her how to not be a skank.

I know some of you are going to say, "Change the channel if you don't like it, you prude!"

Honestly, it isn't even about that. It is about letting my kid have a childhood. A childhood that includes getting to watch sports with her Dad, just like I got to do with mine.

I want to see sports programming become a sanctuary for family entertainment again, instead of gearing it toward the gambling degenerates at the sports book and frat kids on college campuses. They obviously have plenty of opportunities to get their porn on elsewhere.

Here are the top five commercials that I currently have to race to remote and mute every time they come on with my little girl in the room.

No. 5: Extenze

The commercial where some skank feels the need to let the world know that her man's junk is too small and she needs a big one to get her "o-face" on.

Thanks for that, ho.

My daughter recently said aloud to me that she wanted to get me Extenze for my birthday because she thought it would make me taller, like when Dr. Bruce Banner turns into the Incredible Hulk.

Very charming, Extenze.

Not only have you corrupted my kid's innocence, but now I have to worry about her saying the wrong thing to someone that doesn't know the context of that innocent misunderstanding and worry about being accused of being a pedophile.

Outstanding.

No. 4: Burger King "Sponge Bob/Sir Mix-A-Lot's Big Butts" commercial

A commercial for a restaurant that makes me feel like puking.

Nice going, Burger King.

This must be how the "brainstorming" session went down with the Burger King execs for this ad:

"I know!

Let's take a beloved children's character. Surround him with a bunch of hoochies. Use a song that was too dirty to play on the radio when it first came out as the background track, and measure the asses of the "models" to make sure our burgers haven't made their butts too big."

Way to combine sex, bulimia and a "it's good to be the king" attitude toward women all in one tasty little package.

And yes, I know it is supposed to be a joke, but it isn't even funny.

Secondly, 5-year-olds don't have a frame of reference or context for a song from the '80s about big butts and I can't always be there to give it to them.

Lastly, a song about "wanting a XXX throw down" is great for the club, but not for pimping burgers and toys to my kids.

No. 3: GoDaddy.com with Danica Porntrick

Ah yes.

Danica PORNTRICK.

You are a role model for young, female youths everywhere.

No longer will they think all they are good for is sex. You have broken down barriers that...umm...what's that?

You have only won one race in your entire career?

So basically what you are telling us, Porntrick, is you have spent more time on camera in a shower with another skank than in the winner's circle?

Way to break down those walls and respect yourself, Danica.

Why don't you do us all a favor and just go into porn full-time?

We all know it is what you are good at anyway. It is only a matter of time before that sex tape surfaces and you get your own reality show.

No. 2: Buy.com "Oh Howie! It's so hard!"

Possibly the most overtly sexual and crass ad on television today.

I would like to think I can get up to get a sandwich during a commercial without hearing a woman moaning about "how hard it is" clear in the other room, and Howie Mandel following it up with what a "nice pair she has."

When I heard this for the first time, I feared my kids had figured out the pay-per-view options on cable.

No. 1: Carl's Jr./Hardee's ads

The second burger ad on this list, Carl's takes top honors because of their complete body of work.

They win the Lifetime Achievement Award for consistently making the most offensive, crass and low-rent shock ads on television.

Sports fans have endured the sounds of people making disgusting chewing noises for about a decade now as they drip goo all over their face and clothes, and that is supposed to make me want a burger.

In recent years, they have also added "sex shock" ads. First with the controversial Paris Hilton ad (another person who is famous for having a sex tape).

Now they have tapped "Top Chef" babe Padma Lakshmi to perform fellatio on her hand while she is eating a burger. As sweat glistens all over her body, the camera zooms in to make it look like her implants will be popping out of her dress any minute.

That is a great looking woman. Don't get me wrong. But I just don't need to see that with my kid in the room. I will wait until she goes to bed and then watch Cinemax if I want that.

A Final Thought

I know I could have picked the more traditional and obvious ads that can make you feel uncomfortable.

Viagra/Cialis, douche, Ex-Lax, tampons and Trojans etc.

However, what makes these commercials worse in my mind is their gratuitous nature. At least you can make the case that there is no real way to talk about the products above without "going there."

I think you can manage to sell a burger or a Web site without simulating sex in some way.

Extenze doesn't count in the same category as tampons or Viagra, because it is snake oil for one, and it is more in the realm of something you would buy in a sex shop.

Why not just start advertising vibrators? They are already advertising lube. Ironically, the lube commercial is more tasteful than any of the other products on this list.