20 Athletes Who Would Make a Terrible "Bachelor"
The buzz in the golf world, which you are probably so unfamiliar with that you didn't even know it existed, is that Aussie stud Adam Scott is being stalked by the producers of The Bachelor.
Well, "stalked" might be a slight exaggeration, which is a concession only being made in an attempt to stave off a lawsuit from their famously litigious henchmen.
In an event, recent reports suggest ABC is desperate to get their corporate meathooks in the recent Masters Champion. Funny how much some lame green blazer—that you don't even get to keep—can change things.
Do you think anyone over at The Bachelor could've picked Adam Scott out of a lineup a few weeks ago? Nope. Not unless the lineup consisted of Tiger Woods and Adam Scott—just them. Then by process of elimination, most of them probably could have figured it out.
Unfortunately for ABC and their Disney overlords, Scott is categorically not interested in being part of their spectacle of low-self esteem, public drunkenness, and televised plague of fauxmances and "journeys" into the gutter.
Apparently he has a girlfriend, said Scott "I'm not single at all." Or maybe that was just his way of telling The Bachelor, "It's not you, it's me…but really it's you." Not only is he talented at golf, he's also a good breaker-upper.
Handsome, successful, rich, famous, and polite. Suddenly Scott seems even more likable than before! A legitimate find. So, naturally he wants nothing to do with The Bachelor. No one worth wanting willingly welcomes reality television cameras into their lives.
But if Scott did want to do the show, he'd be pretty much perfect…which got me thinking about athletes who would be…less-than-perfect bachelors. In this case "less than perfect" means "absolutely wretched." Way to fail at softening that blow.
Ah well. Here are 20 athletes that would producers would seriously regret casting as The Bachelor.
20. Bryce Harper, Washington Nationals
Nationals slugger Bryce Harper is already a bona fide baseball superstar, and he's only 20 years old. Like he just turned 20 a few months ago. Which means the Las Vegas native won't even be old enough to legally drink until the end of the 2013 MLB season.
That is actually two issues wrapped in one which combine to make him a terrible choice to be The Bachelor. The obvious is that he's not old enough to drink. And on that show, the only thing you're allowed to do is drink and talk about your feelings while drunk.
They take away cellphones, televisions, newspapers, and pretty much cut off all contact to the outside world—minus the occasional drive in a vintage sports car in a secluded California hideaway. That just wouldn't do for Harper because his real life is more fun.
There's no shortage of women throwing themselves at him, that's for sure. And does Harper drink whatever he wants, whenever he wants, in the real world? Yes. Dude can't break the law on TV though.
Then there's the fact that he's 20! Harper is eons away from being ready to settle down—or even pretend to settle down for a spell because he's contractually obligated. He'd just try to sleep with as many women as possible and then brush off both the finalists at the end.
Which would make the producers very mad because it's already happened. Reality TV doesn't work well in reruns.
19. Tim Tebow, N.Y. Jets
Ah yes. The anti-Bryce Harper.
Remember 2011 when Jets current quagmire Tim Tebow was the biggest thing in football? He came out of nowhere (most didn't think his college success would translate to the NFL) in Denver to lead the Broncos to the playoffs, a nearly impossible task considering the team's start that season.
Then he went on to lead the team to a win over the Steelers in the playoffs—the 'Mile High Miracle' that actually went the Broncos' way (a year later it went the Ravens' way). Then they signed Peyton Manning, traded Tebow to the Jets, and he was never heard from again.
There was even some chatter about Tebow starring on The Bachelor back at the time, but he wanted nothing to do with it. The famously chaste and religious Tebow wouldn't want anything to do with the women who get cast on that show.
He'd spend three months as a missionary, trying to help those poor girls through their daddy issues by turning to Jesus instead of the bottle, pills, and emotionally unavailable men. Jesus would approve. But ABC wouldn't approve of the ratings free fall.
18. Evgeni Malkin, Pittsburgh Penguins
Perhaps Penguins superstar forward Evgeni Malkin could star in The Bachelor: Russia. After all, he was named the country's most eligible bachelor in late 2012.
Actually, that's a really great idea, so if anyone over there steals it—send me a check or I'll sue your pants off. Although, I have no rights to the show…so I'd probably lose.
The problem with Malkin being America's bachelor is that he's not traditionally "attractive" and his English is…how you say…not so good. Forcing those women to feign interest in hockey, not to mention forcing a physical attraction, with Geno as the grand prize? Yeesh.
That's just not a recipe for good TV. Well, not good in the way ABC wants it to be.
Three months of superficial chit chat in broken English with superficial and emotionally broken women. Awesome. At least there'd be a lot of helicopter rides.
17. Kris Humphries, Brooklyn Nets
The Nets loser in love Kris Humphries would be a terrible choice for The Bachelor because you know darn well that every girl on that stupid show is absolutely in love with Kim Kardashian.
The amateur porn star turned reality superstar is the idol of every desperate wannabe female fame-seeking head case in the country. As if they cease to exist without a camera crew in their faces.
So naturally, they'd be predisposed to hate the man who finally exposed her for the fraud that she is. Also, Humphries is kind of a doofus anyway. I hate Kim Kardashian…but I just don't care much for him either.
16. Brian Wilson, San Francisco Giants
Giants relief pitcher Brian Wilson just doesn't fit The Bachelor aesthetic. Maybe a few years ago when he was rocking the faux hawk and decked the hell out in Ed Hardy gear from head to toe. Although, even then, it would have been a stretch.
The Bachelor producers like to maintain a fake sense of propriety and convention, and a faux hawk would probably fall just outside their arbitrary casting lines. So…where does a foot-long full beard and a vacant thousand-yard stare rank? Probably pretty low on the list of potential bachelors.
That's not to say that I don't think it's a great idea, personally. Seeing him and Bigfoot show up together to the finale, Wilson donning his finest spandex tuxedo, to propose to a shockingly detached from reality woman—who would definitely say yes—isn't something I'd just watch.
It's something I'd pay to watch. But yeah…ABC would hate that whole thing. God forbid we make a mockery out of a mockery.
15. Michael Phelps, Retired Olympian
American swimmer Michael Phelps is a living legend. Incredibly rich, retired in his late 20s, and the most decorated Olympian of all time. On paper sounds pretty good, right? Like really really good.
Well, everything is not always as it seems. The problem here is that Phelps is one of the most mundane and surly semi-single athletes out there. I care so little for him in between Olympics that I don't even know if he's single.
The Bachelor standards aren't particularly high for the men or women involved, but the bachelor, himself, is generally a relatively personable human being with good conversation skills—or at least dumb enough to always keep talking to fill dead air. And he's usually easy on the eyes.
Phelps is neither of those things—not by a long shot.
14. Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys
Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant actually made a pretty big turnaround during the 2012 NFL season—in a good way. His production on the field was way up and his off the field drama and criminal activity was way down.
That being said, it's way too soon for Jerry Jones to take the reigns and restrictions off Bryant. For once something they're doing in Dallas is working, which means Dez Bryant could actually be destined to star in the next season of The Bachelor.
You know how they love messing with a good thing in Big D. But there's also the issue of Bryant himself—he's not so good with the social graces. Neither are the drunken hoards of hotties cast. That's just a recipe for disaster.
13. Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins
As a Penguins fan, I love superstar forward Sidney Crosby. If you are not a Penguins fan, you more than likely loath superstar forward Sidney Crosby. That's fine, we can agree to disagree there.
That kind of hot and cold is generally considered the bricks and mortar of The Bachelor franchise, but in this case that tried and true formula just wouldn't work.
Love him or loath him, the one thing we can all agree on here is that Crosby is one heck of a dull dude. He can talk tough and play hard on the ice, but away from the rink, he's ice cold boring.
Imagine when it came time for him to take those overeager weirdos back to meet his family and they had to stay in separate rooms in Mario Lemieux's basement. (Yes Pens fans, I realize he probably doesn't still live there!) So…much…dead…air…
12. Metta World Peace, L.A. Lakers
And now Sidney Crosby's exact opposite. Metta. World. Peace.
The legendary Lakers Looneytoon Metta World Peace just wouldn't cut it as The Bachelor. Call me crazy, but call him crazier. The producers like a little bit, or a lotta bit, of crazy in the female contestants. That's the stuff that keeps viewers coming back for more, because we know darn well it's not for the happily ever after.
But the dude cast as the bachelor is basically the glue that keeps all that shoddily constructed insanity from coming apart at the seams. Frankly, MWP wouldn't be up to the task. From what we've seen, his communication with the ladies lacks a certain coherence, which is required to keep inane small talk going week after week.
He'd be a terrible bachelor, but inspired casting choice as one of the men on The Bachelorette. Just interesting to keep around for a couple of episodes, but ultimately revealed as someone better suited to BS sessions with Gary Busey than marriage material.
11. Terrell Owens, NFL Free Agent
What's funny about The Bachelor vs.The Bachelorette is the hilarious discrepancy between the occupations of most of the female contestants vying for the bachelor vs. the occupations of the male contestants vying for the bachelorette.
The male contestants, with few exceptions, are impressive and successful resume-wise, if not lacking desperately in the personality department—think investment bankers, vineyard owners, and entrepreneurs with a lot of family money.
The female contestants, on the other hand, are usually more focused on the crazy than on the career. There's the occasional doctor or lawyer who gets booted the first night, and the rest of them are nannies, nail technicians, dental hygienists, bartenders, models, waitresses, students, or—the always impressive—unemployed.
Former NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens talked his way out of the league a few years ago and has been basically unemployed and dealing with some serious financial issues ever since. T.O. would be handing out those roses based on earning potential, which would mean he "was there for the wrong reasons."
And there's no bigger sin on The Bachelor than being there for the wrong reasons.
10. Alex Rodriguez, N.Y. Yankees
The thing about being The Bachelor is that the chosen one has to have some sense of something or someone outside himself. He doesn't have to be nice, interesting, articulate, intelligent, insightful, or even particularly attractive.
But he does have to possess the ability to have constant mind-numbingly dull conversations about the hopes and dreams of dozens of vapid, emotionally damaged women, who all are convinced they're in love with him—when in reality they're just confused because everyone is always drunk.
This is something that Alex Rodriguez, the Yankees most overpaid narcissistic piece of dead weight, simply could not do. Sure he'd give it the old college try, just to score with a couple of chicks. But A-Rod's season would ultimately sink because he only loves one thing: A-Rod.
9. Rob Gronkowski, New England Patriots
In the real world, Patriots superstar tight end Rob Gronkowski would be the most amazing bachelor of all time. He'd get drunk. He'd get down with the ladies. And he'd just have fun. If only the producers of The Bachelor would consider making a show that was actually real, instead of pretending to be real.
Gronk would be their worst nightmare because he wouldn't take things too seriously. And if you've ever seen The Bachelor, you know that every moment of every day is the most serious experience of your entire life. After all, the journey is all about love and commitment and 'till death do us part.
Even though most couples are broken up by the time the finale airs, but are contractually obligated to pretend they aren't for at least a few weeks. The Bachelor is all a bunch of fake fairytale nonsense and Rob "Sorry for partying" Gronkowski just doesn't get down like that.
But if you ask me, and I realize you didn't, he should be the one with his own reality show. Not Ryan "Honestly, I have no idea" Lochte.
8. Floyd Mayweather Jr., Boxing
His violent tendencies, foul mouth, and what seems to be a massive gambling problem, are probably all automatic disqualifiers for Floyd "Money" Mayweather ever being named The Bachelor.
The fact that he has a fiancee—not so much. The producers have been milking the hell out of the "OMG [Insert name here] has a [boy or girl]friend back home!" storyline for a few years now.
The real issue with Floyd Money is that he has to be the cattiest and prettiest girl in any room. He's nasty to everyone. He's always decked out in diamonds and fur coats. And none of those girls could even hold a candle to his diva attitude.
Also, Mayweather beats women. Not ideal.
7. Sean Avery, Retired NHL
I promised myself a few months ago that I'd never again write about retired Rangers megalomaniac Sean Avery. I've talked enough trash about him to fill a very terrible book at this point and it was just getting repetitive.
Plus, he's been officially retired since he announced it on Bravo's Watch What Happens Live (the obvious forum) in March 2012. And Avery's head was out of the game long before his skates were off the ice anyway.
That being said, I've temporarily ended that moratorium because an assignment about The Bachelor just cries out for, absolutely demands, Avery's inclusion. The former Vogue intern would be a hilariously wretched choice to serve as the bachelor.
You just know the fashionista would get drunk and gather with the popular girls in the hot tub every night to bag on all the busted old cougars and fashion challenged wannabes. Avery is more of a mean girl than a romantic—that doesn't fit the fairytale facade.
What's funny is that he wouldn't even be interested in any of them to begin with because if actress Elisha Cuthbert is considered Avery's "sloppy seconds," imagine the kind of women he's pulling in real life.
Sometimes life truly isn't fair—am I right, boys?
6. Ndamukong Suh, Detroit Lions
You're probably thinking that my reason for believing that Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh would be a terrible choice for The Bachelor has something to do with his infamous stomping incident or the totality of his questionable on the field behavior.
But it really doesn't. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, maybe he does, but I'm giving Suh the benefit of the doubt that his conduct during an NFL game isn't representative of him as a human being off the field. It's not like he stomps on little kids at the grocery store or anything.
The reason I know Suh would be one of the worst choices in the history of The Bachelor is based entirely on a profile of him I read in the September 2012 issue of GQ. The piece wasn't entirely flattering, but it was far from a hatchet job. Honestly, it raised more questions than it answered.
I walked away thinking he was a little misunderstood, but also brought a lot of the bad in his life on himself. Suh is basically a mute around strangers, is under absolute control of his family, and just one odd duck. And an elusive one at that.
And the sudden abject silence? It almost seems like he's trying to punish the world for not "getting" him. The Bachelor is all about personality disorders, but only the ones that make you louder…not quieter.
5. Jose Canseco, Retired MLB
Today it's hard to even imagine that 'roided up retired slugger Jose Canseco was once (probably?) the object of lust and desire of countless wannabe Baseball Wives. Then again, he's got more than 20 years on me and nothing in the 80s really made sense.
So there was a point in time that landing Canseco to star as The Bachelor would have been quite a coup for the producers and quite a draw for potential contestants. Unfortunately, that point in time was about 25 years ago. Today Canseco is more of a sideshow than a star.
He enjoys airing his dirty laundry, and every other deranged thought and strange scientific theory that pops into his brain on Twitter. That's pretty much his claim to fame with the age-range of women who are typically selected to appear on the show. Not a great starting point.
Oh, and then there's the fact that Canseco likes to send his twin brother Ozzie to pinch hit for him when he's not feeling the task at hand. So he'd probably send Ozzie in to do all that tedious get-to-know-you crap and swoop in just when she's primed and drunk enough to make a really bad decision.
The producers of The Bachelor have sunk to shocking depths in the past, but the Canseco switcheroo would be a new low that they aren't likely eager to reach. However, this whole Canseco switcheroo thing seems perfect for something like Celebrity Big Brother UK.
4. Rolando McClain, Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens may have finally stepped up to give former Raiders linebacker Rolando McClain a rose, but not even the producers of The Bachelor are that stupid. It's only a matter of time before this kid is serving 20 years to life, and that's not how they roll over at ABC.
You may recall that McClain was arrested in Alabama hometown in December 2011—the photo in this slide was essentially his mugshot. He was picked up by police after an altercation with an acquaintance ended with McClain holding a gun to the man's head as he demanded him to beg for his life.
McClain has basically been a public menace all of his adult life, with his latest arrest coming just days ago in April 2013. This time it was disorderly conduct, who knows what it'll be next time. Maybe mayhem. Maybe murder. Not exactly the type of behavior one would expect from The Bachelor.
3. Tiger Woods, PGA
Anyone who knows anything about golf legend Tiger Woods knows that if there's anything he values more than a whole lot of ladies vying for his attention, it's his privacy. Privacy is not just the name of his yacht, it's his motto and mantra.
If he weren't dating Lindsey Vonn, Woods would probably enjoy the opportunity to get to know a few dozen women desperate to meet him. If memory serves, Woods doesn't really have a "type."
That's essentially what most of us took away from that messy sex scandal that ultimately ended his marriage to ex-wife Elin Nordegren. During their time together, Woods slept with nearly every socialite, bartender, porn star, bag lady, and Perkin's waitress he encountered.
Just kidding. I think he only slept with one porn star.
So Woods would actually make an excellent bachelor, as long as ABC agreed that no cameras would be present, nothing would be televised, and everyone involved agreed to sign a confidentiality agreement about his participation.
2. CM Punk, WWE
As a WWE fan, and an even bigger CM Punk fan, there's not a doubt in my mind that he would be one of the worst possible choices in the world to do The Bachelor. Not that I wouldn't watch—I'd watch CM Punk watch paint dry. I just know that it's a scenario that wouldn't end well for anyone involved.
For one, he's straight edge. Meaning that he fundamentally rejects the fuel on which the entire franchise is run: Alcohol. That show would literally self-destruct without the stuff—everyone involved needs to be drunk in order to stomach all those trite cliches.
The major issue here is that all the women would still drink, but Punk would not. And you know there are few things on this planet worse than being stone cold sober and dealing with a drunken basket case—let alone 20 drunken basket cases who are trying to out-stupid each other.
Punk would be miserable, condescending and shockingly immune to the bevy of self-nullifying beauties boldly battling each other for his attention. Each episode of the season would would end with host Chris Harrison saying, "Stay tuned for the most pathetic rose ceremony yet!" before the last commercial break.
At the end, he'd just leave a couple of goodbye notes to the finalists, which would include numbers to their local chapters of AA. Hey, at least it'd be honest.
1. Dennis Rodman, Retired NBA
Retired NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman, who you may recall is America's newest unappointed ambassador to North Korea, would be a horrible choice as The Bachelor for so many reasons. There's the fact that he's already been married and divorced three times.
Which suggests that he's not particularly good at being married and probably terrible at relationships in general. And one would surmise that he's not exactly eager to take the plunge again anytime soon, kind of defeating the point of the whole stupid show.
Moving on. There's the fact that he's up to his eyeballs in back child support debt. There's the fact that he has a massive gambling problem and substance abuse issues. There's the fact that if he made the producers film the big finale in North Korea, none of them may ever return.
Liabilities out the wazoo. If you've got Dennis Rodman involved in anything, there are going to be excessive liability issues, which are the plague of television production companies. Rodman is probably uninsurable. Like Lindsay Lohan uninsurable.
But the real issue? The meat and potatoes of the problem here? Say lightning struck for the fourth time and Rodman really fell in love and got engaged to some freakshow weirdo. Which one of them would get to wear the wedding dress at the wedding?!?
So Which Athlete SHOULD Be the Bachelor?
Well how about 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick? He's young. He's edgy. He's attractive.
Oh, and he's not too bad at football either. He totally pulled the robbery on Alex Smith's job midway through his sophomore season in 2012 and led the Niners to the Super Bowl.
**Speaking of ruining America—if you want to follow someone who isn't doing that, or at least isn't intentionally trying to, you should follow me on Twitter. Follow @blamberr