Envy is a smelly cologne, and sometimes we see things that really pour it on thick.
We see people playing with the toys we want—the kind that go vroom vroom—and we can't help but fall into a jealous fit, salivating openly over their amazing rides.
Why should some people get to float across the golf course on a bubble of air? Why don't I get to ride around the hockey rink in a candy-painted Zamboni blasting smoke and Wrex-N-Effect songs? Because the world isn't fair, that's why.
We can do one thing, however; and that's ogle the heck out these awesomely unique vehicles floating around the edges and/or being used in the world of sports.
So say it with me: I scream. You scream. We all will scream for these things.
Head to 3:28 for the action.
Is “jet-powered truck racing” technically a sport? I don’t know, but it’s good enough for me.
Behold Shockwave, a Peterbilt semi-truck powered by triple Pratt & Whitney jet engines that make over 36,000 horsepower. This baby can hit a top speed of 376 mph (a world record for full-sized trucks), and runs the quarter mile in 6.36 seconds.
It goes through fuel like a BP Oil Spill, eating up 120 gallons of diesel fuel per run. That doesn’t account the Hyundais Sonatas and Toyota Camrys it eats between shows.*
“This isn’t a caaaart...”
This is the Bat Cart, a golf cart modeled off the Batmobile from the Dark Knight movie series created by Marc’s Creature Company.
It has six wheels. It’s finished in matte black. And one look at the thing is 100 percent cool enough to shatter your prostate.
Boasting a six horsepower engine, the Bat Cart has been clocked at a healthy 36 mph (although its top speed is classified). It also has an awesome mock turbo booster on the back.
It’s the cart that golf deserves, and you’re only allowed to speak in Bat-growl when riding in it, presumably.
“All I wanna do is zoom-a zoom zoom zoom in a zamboni.”
Whether you think about them or not, the Dallas Stars hockey team has one of the coolest zambonis ever to grace a hockey rink.
The Lay’s “Fan Zam” was introduced at the American Airlines Center in 2007, and it’s basically a mobile VIP booth on ice. The vehicle has a 52-inch flatscreen built into the front (so haters and skaters can picture you rollin’), 24-inch chrome rims, hydraulics and a smoke machine.
Oh yes, the Fan Zam also has three XBOX 360s installed in the plush seating area, each hooked up to its own 19-inch television monitor.
While you can’t do too much zooming in the Fan Zam (it has a maximum speed of 9 mph) you could do some mean rump shakin’ with the help of the zamboni’s seven 1200 watt amplifiers.
The future is now-ish!
Meet the airboard—a gasoline-powered personal hovercraft designed for cruising down the sidewalks and around the park. There are no brakes on the airboard, and you steer the vehicle by shifting your body weight, like a set of skis.
Any device that allows you to zip around on a pocket of air is cool, but with its cumbersome looking design and 15 mph max speed, it’s hard to picture airboarding taking the X-Games half-pipe by storm.
The best thing I you can do with this device is telling your friend to follow you to the skate park, and float off yelling “Where we’re going, we don’t need skateboards!”
Want to die on the cutting edge of watersports? Just kidding, kind of.
The end product will look more like the above image, and feature a 120 horsepower engine running through two rear-mounted water jet pumps. Think of it as the Formula One version of a jetski, or a water-bound A-Wing without a windshield or any other protective feature.
Video of Bubba Watson driving a custom-made golf cart hovercraft took America, nay, the world by storm when it was released earlier this April (how awesome is this sentence?).
“Bubba’s Hover” can go almost anywhere—across fairways and over water hazards on a bubble of air with a footprint pressure “33 times less than human foot.” So it’s actually more polite to cross your golf partner’s putting path in a hovercraft than it is to walk.
Contrary to the initial video released, Watson’s remarkable idea for a go-anywhere golf cart was actually a marketing ploy by viral marketing agency Thinkmodo. The cart was never intended for mass-production. Nonetheless, the overwhelming response to “Bubba’s Hover” has led Neoteric Hovercraft, the vehicle’s designer, to begin the production of 160 hovercraft golf carts.
To that I say: Bro, it’s a hovercraft. For golf. I wouldn’t be surprised to see grown men dueling with swords just to own one.
Warning: Video features some language at the end.
This machine is called “the Shredder,” and yes, it’s absolutely amazing.
A product of extreme concept vehicle designer BPG Werks (they don’t even spell “Works” right they’re so cool), the DTV shredder looks like what would happen if a Razor scooter crawled into bed with an Abrams tank Razor, and at some point in the following confusion and darkness a skateboard joined in.
The DTV (Dual-Tracked Vehicle) is an all-terrain personal vehicle with four-stroke, 13 horsepower engine capable of traveling up to 30 mph. The rubber tracking on the vehicle allows for traction in any weather on nearly any surface.
With a listed price tag of $3,999, the Shredder isn’t exactly a skateboard. Then again, you can’t hunt Sasquatch to Dubstep music on a skateboard.
God bless the actor, comedian and all around amazing person who was Bob Hope.
The late American funny man was a larger than life character during his time here on earth, and it only makes sense that when he golfed, he left no mistake which cart belonged to him.
Modeled after his own image, Hope’s golf cart was molded to feature his long distinguished nose and dimples. His smile also shines on through the lights embedded in the vehicle’s “mouth.”
In addition to its unique aesthetics, the “Hope mobile” features a television and a backward-facing video camera installed in the rear of the cart—a component Hope added so he could record his swing and make adjustments.
Alright, it’s not a “sport” vehicle, but it does have the best name in the world.
The Toledo Jambulance is just what it sounds like: an ambulance that once saved lives, but has now been retro-fitted to save the dance.
Owned by a group of University of Toledo alumni, the 1993 Ford E-350 has been decorated with Rockets decals and sports a full-size grill, multiple LCD flat screens with TracVision (mobile DirecTV) and a Kenwood sound system featuring dual 2000 watt amplifiers.
When this baby pulls up blasting the school fight song from its Horntones car horn, there’s only one thing you need to know—it’s time to JAM.
Tired of hauling ice baths around like a common peasant? Want to drive a cooler full of beer around like an American hero?
Then step right up and hop on the Cruzin’ Cooler, the world’s first drive-able drink container. Complete with a motor and disc brakes, this mobile bar is capable of speeds up to 13 mph and even comes with an attachable back rest, for when you get super tired sitting on a cooler.
Electric engine models of the cooler are also available for environmentally conscious binge drinkers.