Image via headblitz.com
After former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman returned from his trip to North Korea, the American people were taught a valuable lesson: Just because it sounds funny doesn’t mean it should happen.
Rodman returned from his peacekeeping mission to Pyongyang counting Kim Jong-un as friend, telling America that North Korea’s supreme leader wants to reconcile differences and sue for peace with the US. Now, several weeks after the visit, the nation has threatened South Korea and America with nuclear war.
Hmm, I guess something fell through.
Blaming this sudden turn of geopolitical events on Rodman would be incorrect, and give “the Worm” far too much credit for his role in international affairs—The US government didn't "send" him, these guys did.
What we do know is that Rodman’s visit didn’t help the situation. Here are 15 more sports figures who would only serve to make things between America and North Korea worse.
“For some reason, a lot of football fans in America don’t like me anymore. They think I’ve tarnished my image. So, you know what? I will show you those pictures of our nuclear missile silos. It’s on this device somewhere...Oh God, wrong rocket...that's my fault."
Real. Uncomfortable. Diplomacy.
That’s the only way a visit from former Green Bay legend Brett Favre can go in North Korea.
In his current state of bankruptcy, former NBA great Allen Iverson would roll up in his Maybach—one of his few earthly possessions he appears to have fully paid off—and confirm every negative stereotype that exists about materialist American consumerism.
Not to mention, the North Korean government loves practice.
“Me and the Supreme Leader are dear friends. I love him like a brother...BUT! Is the North Korean government the best single-party totalitarian state in modern history? Are you crazy?! Now, be careful how you answer, Skip. We’re talking pseudo-Marxist autocracies here, not Tim Tebow!”
It sounds like a perfect match. Stephen A. Smith and the Glorious Leader share a love of hoops.
“We want America to surrender Chicago, and forfeit the United Center in honor of His Excellency and his most glorious desire to defeat Kyrie Irving in this game of 'horses' you speak of...”
*Dufner sighs, slumps against wall*
I’m confident in Jason Dufner’s intellectual ability to handle something like disarming a conflict between America and a perpetually embattled, self-aggrandizing regime like the one in North Korea.
On the other hand, recent photographs haven’t instilled much confidence in me that he can maintain the kind of attention necessary to pull it off.
“You’ve got a cupcake arsenal, bro,” Doug Gottlieb tells Kim Jong-un right before the royal headsman swings down the Game of Thrones replica sword of justice.
College basketball analyst Doug Gottlieb loves telling people they haven’t tangled with enough tough opponents to be respected, and if he carries this trend with him over the demilitarized zone, the implications will be a Marshall Henderson-like tantrum—but with weapons-grade uranium.
Mo Metta. Mo Problems.
Metta World Peace changed his name in an attempt to reinvent himself as a promoter and ambassador of peace in this world, but it hasn’t exactly changed his spotted track record of goodwill toward men.
The best-case scenario for World Peace in North Korea involves the two bonding over their love for America’s greatest traditions—basketball and, of course, Snow-food Tuesdays.
Former MLB slugger and steroid connoisseur Jose Canseco would have a grand time with Kim Jong-un sharing the secrets of their distinctive personal “manfumes.”
As he has stated on Twitter, Canseco’s manfume involves “dragons blood” and “odors of our youth.” The ingredients of Jong-un’s perfume, I’d imagine, would involve “eau de serf” and cake (his favorite thing in the whole world).
All would be well and weird until Canseco lets something like this randomly slip into their conversation.
Nothing says “let's be friends” to a political adversary like sending it an emissary willing to cannibalize its offspring.
Jeremy Lin is an American, but his basketball ability combined with his Chinese ancestry (a “frenemy” state of North Korea) would likely threaten the heck out Kim Jong-un and definitely wouldn’t earn him a standing ovation and a basket of Peeps from the supreme leader of North Korea.
Plus, no one needs to be handing Jong-un any more rockets at this point.
Paul Bissonnette hates mass-produced haircuts and the quarter-pound of hair gel used to craft them into existence, as evidenced by the Twitter battle the Phoenix Coyotes winger waged with Vancouver indie-rock band SweetHeart in February.
That doesn’t bode well for a Paul Bissonnette visit to Pyongyang—the capital city of North Korea—where citizens must sport one of the handful of state-sanctioned hairstyles allowed by the North Korean government.
Sending Mark Sanchez to North Korea seems like a good call—it would open up cap room for the New York Jets and be the most popular thing Rex Ryan has done in several years in the eyes of his franchise’s fans.
It would be great, right up until Sanchez blows a handshake with the general of the Korean People’s Army, panics and slides into the rear bumper of an armored personnel carrier.
Why send a nuclear warhead when you can send in something twice as destructive and just as hairless?
We’ve seen what The Rock does when the world is ending and the only way to keep him from going punch-crazy in the face of threatening violence is to take his milk away.
There’s only room for one highly competitive personality in Kim Jong-un’s country.
Tennis star Serena Williams is about as intimidating as athletes come in terms of willingness to do anything to win a contest, even if it involves allegedly threatening to “kill” a line judge during a match.
That’s not the kind of levelheadedness we’re looking for at a peace talk.
“Oh, I’ll show North Korea how to dance.”
Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte is a great athlete and the kind of guy you pray is around to save you should you ever find yourself drowning.
On the other hand, his ability to let things “go through one ear and out the other” isn’t exactly the type of thing you want from a man who’s going into negotiations with a hostile dictatorship.
Peace talks between NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and Kim Jong-un would last longer than the Hundred Years’ War and the first half would be spent nailing down how many sponsors each army's reduced arsenal could display on their missiles.
While we’re here, let's get some other commissioners involved:
Bud Selig: The only thing MLB commissioner Bud Selig would do in a sit-down with Kim Jong-un is attempt to talk His Excellency into fielding a North Korean national team at the next World Baseball Classic, an annoying enough request to send any man into nuke-launching frenzy.
David Stern: In his infinite megalomania, NBA commissioner David Stern would end up blocking any and all forthcoming good-faith transactions between the United States and North Korea, citing “peace reasons” as a motivating factor.