Amazingly Awful Wrestling Lyrics: Volume 2

Andy Soucek@Andy_SoucekFeatured ColumnistApril 19, 2013

Amazingly Awful Wrestling Lyrics: Volume 2

0 of 12

    Professional wrestling theme songs were created to help us identify who is about to come to the ring.

    The right theme can help make someone into a star. Sometimes the song just feels right, and can provide an instant burst of excitement into any show.

    These themes are meant to make us rise to our feet, to inspire us or get us angry. They can make our heroes seem even cooler, or the biggest bad guys feel more menacing.

    But quite often wrestling songs, and especially its lyrics, are just downright awful.

    Overall, you’d probably be best off keeping your wrestling theme songs off of your iPod if you’re planning on getting a date anytime soon.

    Here are 12 wrestling themes with amazingly awful lyrics. For more bad music fun check out Volume 1.

Zack Ryder: 'Oh Radio'

1 of 12

    Who listens to the radio anymore, and why does Zack Ryder talk to it?

    From this theme song we know Ryder likes to listen to his radio with the top down in his automobile. I have no idea what this has to do with getting ready to fight another man in brutal hand-to-hand combat.

    This song works okay for a heel, but the lyrics “I stare into the mirror, I like the things I see” are not something to really cheer someone for.

    With Ryder’s character becoming increasingly stale, perhaps a new song wouldn’t be a bad idea. Maybe it can even be about a more new fangled electronic device like a CD player or a MiniDisc.

    Most offending lyrics:

    Gonna drink some beer tonight. Yeah!
    Gonna get some girls I like
    Gonna wear my pants real tight
    All the girls gonna treat me just right

3 Count: 'Dance with 3 Count'

2 of 12

    Let’s just get this out of the way: The wrestling group 3 Count was awesome.

    Shannon Moore, Evan Karagias and “Sugar” Shane Helms had the gimmick of a heel boy band group when boy bands were red hot. It was a great way to get crowd heat.

    Then, like all good things WCW stumbled onto, the group was ruined by making them jobbers and bizarrely adding Tank Abbott to the mix.

    Still, it was fun while it lasted.

    The trio’s theme was a bad pop song they performed themselves. It was actually pretty catchy. The lyrics were lousy, but intentionally so.

    Listen to the song at your own peril, it may be stuck in your head for awhile.

    Most offending lyrics:

    We like the Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync too
    Britney Spears is kind of cute
    We watch TRL on MTV
    Everybody three count 1, 2, 3!

John Cena: 'My Time Is Now'

3 of 12

    Okay, I get it, my time is up and your time is now.

    But it's been your time for eight years now, when does it get to be my time again?

    John Cena is no stranger to bad music, and his lyrical prowess will never be confused with say a Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash. But that didn’t stop the man from releasing his very own album.

    Besides, if Hulk Hogan can do it, then Cena at least couldn't have done any worse.

    Or could he?

    Most offending lyrics:

    I got my soul straight,
    I brush your mouth like Colgate
    In any weather I'm never better
    Your boy's so hot
    You'll never catch me in the next man's sweater

    Why does he want to brush my mouth like Colgate? Stay out of my mouth, Cena!

    And what’s this about the “next man’s sweater"? Stay out of my closet, too!

Rob Van Dam: Theme Song

4 of 12

    Rob Van Dam has had some pretty cool theme songs in his wrestling career, but when he went to TNA it's like he gave up.

    Van Dam also used this song on his radio show, though it's really not much a song. It's just some guy yelling "Rob Van Dam.... The Whole F'n Show" over and over.

    Every once in awhile to spice things up he says "Van Damminator", "Van Terminator" and of course "Five Star Frog Splash."

    Because honestly, what song wouldn't be better without the words "Five Star Frog Splash"? The Beatles probably could have had a few more No. 1 hits with those lyrics.

    Most offending lyrics:

    I will fly high
    Five Star Frog Splash!
    You can't stop me
    Five Star Frog Splash!

Johnny B. Badd: Theme Song

5 of 12

    With a name like Johnny B. Badd, you know he’s gotta have some terrible theme music.

    WCW did not let us down in this regard.

    The early '90s was a confusing time in WCW. It was having a bit of an identity crisis where it couldn’t decide if it was a wrestling company, or a company that made awful music that just happened to have wrestling.

    Most offending lyrics:

    He’s as purty as a picture
    He looks just like Little Richard

    First of all, when has bragging about looking like Little Richard ever been a good thing? Little Richard doesn’t even want to look like Little Richard.

    And of course, check out the chorus:

    If you don’t want to end up sad
    Don’t mess with Johnny B. Badd

    Maybe if you don’t want to end up sad (or perhaps suicidal) you shouldn’t listen to this song.

Steven Regal: 'Real Man's Man'

6 of 12

    Steven Regal’s theme song wanted you to know one thing and one thing only: He is a man.

    Alongside the super manly song, the incredible Titantron entrance video that accompanied him to the ring showed him squeezing oranges with his bare-hands.

    Now that's manly!

    Sadly, this gimmick didn't last long, as we rightfully should have been treated to many more times of this song blaring through the arenas nationwide.

    Most offending lyrics:

    He’s a maaaaan
    He’s a real man’s man.
    Such a man

Buff Bagwell: 'Buff Daddy'

7 of 12

    Marcus Alexander Bagwell is no stranger to terrible theme songs.

    While "Buff Daddy" was certainly better than the American Males theme, that's like saying week-old garbage tastes better than month-old garbage.

    Sure, Shawn Michael's "Sexy Boy" theme is all about how sexually attractive he is, but Bagwell is no Michaels in the ring, so it makes his narcissism much harder to overlook.

    Worse yet, Bagwell used this song whether he was a heel or babyface.

    Most offending lyrics:

    I'm simply delicious!

Billy and Chuck: Theme Song

8 of 12

    The first lyric of this song really says it all when talking about how strange the lyrics are: You look so good to me.

    Now I could be wrong, but isn't the job of a professional wrestler to be a good fighter? Why are they singing about how good they look to each other?

    Well, that's because WWE pushed Billy and Chuck as a tag team of two gay men. Since WWE has no concept of what being subtle is, they had the two come out to this song to get instant crowd heat.

    It wasn't very politically correct.

    Well, anyway, this song is at least less confusing than Billy Gunn's "Ass Man" theme.

    Most offending lyrics:

    I can not turn my eyes away (I can not turn my eyes away)
    I hang on every word you say (I hang on every word you say)
    You make me want to hold you, you make me lose control
    And you make my heart and soul complete

Koko B. Ware: 'Bird'

9 of 12

    Someone a long time ago once said that "bird" is the "word."

    But in this song, "bird" is about the only word spoken.

    Sure, this tune is catchy and fun to clap to, but singing about a bird doesn't do much to intimidate an opponent.

    Most offending lyrics:

    Bird, bird, bird,
    Bird, bird, bird,
    Bird, Bird, Bird,
    Do the bird, bird, bird

The Rougeau Brothers: 'All American Boys'

10 of 12

    Put this song in the category, "So Bad It's Awesome."

    The Rougeau brothers were from Montreal, but were billed as "soon to relocate to the United States (Memphis, Tennessee)."

    Besides making fun of American culture, the Rougeaus really made fans angry when they decided to sing their own theme song. What emerged was "All American Boys," a gloriously cheesy '80s song that hits all the right notes.

    Most offending lyrics:

    We don't like heavy metal
    We don't like rock n' roll
    All we like to listen to is Barry Manilow

Strike Force: 'Girls in Cars'

11 of 12

    There's nothing more manly than singing about girls in cars.

    Two-hit wonder Robbie Dupree lent his song "Girls in Cars" to Strike Force for their entrance theme. It was a nice gesture, but maybe they should have declined.

    Strike Force was composed of the athletic, good looking babyfaces Tito Santana and Rick Martel. What they needed was a cool, high energy theme to get the crowd going. "Girls in Cars" did not accomplish this.

    Can you imagine The Hardy Boyz coming out to this theme song?

    Most offending lyrics:

    60 miles an hour any girl can be the star of my dreams
    Couldn't get a life when you stop waiting for me
    Girls, girls in cars, girls in cars, I love girls in cars

A.J. Styles: 'I Am'

12 of 12

    You are, you are
    I am, I am!
    You are, you are
    I am, I am!

    I am what? What are you trying to say A.J. Styles?

    WWE and WCW can't have all the fun as TNA has had quite a few stink bomb songs since its inception. Perhaps its most nonsensical theme so far was given to its top babyface, A.J. Styles.

    The song sounds okay until you listen closely to the lyrics, then you realize they were probably wrote on the back of a cereal box earlier the morning before it was recorded.

    Most offending lyrics:

    Win I fight, it's not evil
    Just like me, Evel Knievel
    I jump to the left
    And I roll to the right
    Just try to win the belt every night!