Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my weekly Main Event and SmackDown recap list. I always appreciate my loyal readers, but for those of you who are new, each week I recap Main Event and SmackDown with a long list.
The entries are made up of equal parts observations, humor, recap, play-by-play, revelations, speculations, questions, answers and anything else I notice during the show. I sometimes comment on commercials, too, just because I get bored during them.
These are the final shows before WrestleMania, so WWE decided to go very light on the action and heavy on the video packages. Expect some frustrated-sounding items this week.
I try to interject some fun into these lists, so I hope you have fun reading this week's list of the things we learned, loved and hated from the show.
1. Let's hope WrestleMania week gives us a good set of shows. (I obviously wrote this before watching the actual shows.)
2. Miz is out first for a handicap match?
3. Did I hear that right? Why is he facing two people?
4. The Prime Time Players are his opponents. Time to bury a promising tag team by having them lose to Miz single-handedly.
5. Wade Barrett comes out to sit in on commentary. He must shine his title belt. It looks really shiny tonight.
6. Darren Young kicks things off against Miz, and Miz takes him down immediately.
7. Miz tries for the Figure Four leglock early and Young escapes to the outside as we head to a break.
8. Did Michael Cole just say the FF is hard to counter? I happen to know from experience that it is not.
9. What? I have an older brother. Everyone with an older brother ended up in a submission hold sooner or later. And if you had a younger brother, then you probably put him in a submission hold. It's called the circle of life.
10. And if you've seen my brother, you know that wouldn't be easy.
11. Granted, he wasn't as big back then as he is in this video.
12. We return to see Miz mocking Titus before getting pounded by the larger Superstar.
13. JBL puts over Miz for being tough since he accepted a handicap match four days before he has a title match with Barrett.
14. Miz tries for a sunset flip, but Titus picks him up off the mat and smacks him back down.
15. Young tags in and keeps up the offense until Miz reverses a suplex and starts building momentum.
16. Titus is back in off the tag and he chokes Miz against the ropes before tagging Young back in.
17. Young bails to the outside after Miz kicks him right in the face.
18. Miz hits a low dropkick followed by his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo for a near fall.
19. After another commercial, we return to see Miz in an abdominal stretch, but he manages to fight Titus off.
20. Titus catches Miz in mid-air and just tosses Miz over his head to the mat.
21. Young absolutely flattens Miz with a clothesline for a near-fall. Miz landed very awkwardly.
22. I always like how JBL acknowledges the referees and who they really are.
23. He talks about how Scott Armstrong is related to the other famous Armstrongs in wrestling.
24. Ha! He calls him Bullet Bob's brother. If you know who Bullet Bob is, then you might find that funny.
25. Miz starts to come back and he plants Darren Young with a short DDT for a two-count.
26. After fighting off Titus, we see Miz lock in the Figure Four on Young for the submission win.
27. I know having him beat two guys was supposed to make Miz look strong, but it just makes PTP look weak.
28. Cole hypes the big reveal Mr. McMahon promised us on Twitter.
Vince McMahon @VinceMcMahon
And now, the #BigReveal! http://t.co/Qgb7qNbeFk @WrestleMania @MLStadium4/6/2013, 1:43:40 AM
29. I wonder if Vince actually typed in that tweet or if he had someone else do it.
30. Could you imagine an unfiltered Vince McMahon on Twitter? I am willing to bet that guy is unintentionally hilarious on a regular basis.
31. Wow! Are you kidding me? The rest of the show is literally just WrestleMania videos and a short Big Show interview.
32. We have YouTube if we want to watch this stuff over and over again. I watch Main Event for matches.
33. I would even take a Divas battle royal over this.
34. Maybe I spoke too hastily, but you get my point.
35. One final note on Main Event—Miz vs. PTP is not a Main Event-level match. WWE used to hype this show as featuring a main event-caliber match every week, which hasn't actually been the case since about the fifth show.
36. I just hope SmackDown gives me something to be happy about before 'Mania. The final two hours (not counting Saturday Morning Slam) before the biggest PPV of the year should end with a bang, even if it is pre-taped.
37. Did they change the SmackDown opening again? It seems different.
38. Or maybe I'm three Glengoolie blues and a bag of gummy bears into my day and it just looks different.
39. Normally, I have Eggs Woodhouse for breakfast and a sensible dinner, but it's been a weird day.
40. The scotch was a joke (that I really hope landed but assume it probably didn't). The gummy bears are real. And because tonight's show is likely to feature very few highlights, I will add a few funny videos to lighten things up a bit.
41. Ryback is in the ring for the first match.
42. Wow! Epico and Primo actually get an entrance tonight.
43. They're still going to lose, but at least we go to see Rosa.
44. Cole and JBL check in from WrestleMania Axxess, which will be a thing they do throughout the night from the looks of it.
45. Ryback owns Epico all over the ring until he takes a dropkick to the knee.
46. Primo tags in with a springboard dropkick.
47. Epico tags in and they both stomp him into the corner.
48. Ryback gets back the advantage and hits a double spear to take both men down. I am sure if he starts using a spear all the time, then people will definitely stop chanting Goldberg.
49. Still waiting on a special font for sarcasm.
50. He puts both Epico and Primo on his shoulders for Shell Shocked and the pin and win. Ryback wasn't able to stomp around the ring like he normally does, but it is still impressive. That was about 400 pounds of Colon on his back.
51. If you didn't know how Primo and Epico pronounce their last name, then that last sentence probably sounded pretty gross.
52. I miss Carlito. Remember when he and Primo used to be kind of funny together? Good times.
53. We get some more footage from WrestleMania Axxess.
54. Hmmm. WWE Payback in June is taking place in Chicago. I might have to look into some tickets.
55. I will not go into detail about the 40 minutes of videos that follow the first match solely on principle.
56. I get it. It's the last show before WrestleMania and they want to cover all the feuds and have plenty of WrestleMania Axxess footage, but I found myself zoning out because the videos just kept going and going.
57. Someone should tell the people at WWE that apps usually update automatically and they do not need to tell us to do it in a commercial.
58. Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes come out dressed as Brodus Clay and Sweet T with The Bellas as the Funkadactyls. This might just turn things around.
59. Rhodes even has a bald cap, complete with Japanese symbols.
60. Sandow says they're doing this to show why Tons of Funk are awful.
61. Ha! I just noticed that the Bellas put some padding in their butt area.
62. I think Rhodes actually grew his mustache into a goatee for this bit. That's commitment.
63. The real Tons of Funk come out looking pissed.
64. Cameron and Naomi attack The Bellas first and then Clay and Tensai come in to clear the ring of Rhodes and Sandow.
65. Has Tensai lost some weight, or does it just look that way because he is next to a much larger man?
66. After another half-hour of recaps, video packages and Axxess footage, we get a graphic highlighting all of this year's Hall of Fame inductions.
67. I think WWE should stream the entire show. That way, we still get to see the speeches that get cut from the televised version.
68. Worst. SmackDown. Ever.
69. The show was literally a match at the start of the show, 40 minutes of videos, an in-ring segment, another 50 minutes of videos and then a match to end the show.
70. In the immortal words of so many signs in the WCW crowds during 2001, "WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP!"
71. Jack Swagger and Kofi Kingston are out for the final match.
72. I wonder who is going to win: The guy with a World title match in two days, or the guy who isn't even on the card?
73. Kofi and Swagger do a little back-and-forth to kick things off.
74. Swagger counters Kofi's original counter and puts on a hammerlock.
75. Colter gets the crowd going a little while Swagger keeps Kofi down.
76. Kofi barely clears Swagger during his leap-frog routine before hitting a dropkick.
77. After the break, we see Swagger keeping Kofi grounded while yelling, "We the people."
78. Lawler makes me smile for the first time during this show when he says to Josh Mathews, "You could be brain-washed with an eye dropper."
79. Kofi gets up his feet during the Swaggerbomb to counter and he follows up with a springboard splash for a two-count.
80. Swagger tries for a suplerplex, but he gets pushed off the top by Kofi.
81. Kofi leaps off the top rope, but Swagger catches him with ease. Kofi counters out and hits the SOS for a two-count.
82. That was a very impressive exchange. Swagger catching Kofi looked like it was nothing for him.
83. Colter distracts the ref for a moment before Swagger locks in the Patriot Lock for a submission win.
84. Well, that was two hours with about 20 minutes of an actual show.
85. I think this is the shortest recap list ever, and that is counting when I used to only cover one show at a time.
86. I am really looking forward to WrestleMania on Sunday, but Main Event and SmackDown were too much hype and not enough action.
87. I get that they want to keep everyone healthy until 'Mania. It makes sense. But how about using this time to have a few matches with guys we don't see that often.
88. It's not my company, so my opinion means very little, but that was my least favorite episode of SmackDown ever.
89. I'm sorry. There was nothing that interesting and it made it harder to make the list interesting.
90. I will leave you with two funny videos to make up for it. The first is some funny moments featuring The Rock. The second is two hours of bloopers from The Office. It's a better two hours than SmackDown.
Follow me on Twitter @BR_Doctor and make sure to join me here on Bleacher Report Sunday for all the live WrestleMania coverage.