Drama follows MMA around like a herd of starving zombies. Lord knows there was plenty of red meat to go around in March, even by MMA's bountiful standards.
Maybe it was a media community scraping for news in a month that saw "only" two UFC and three Bellator events. Maybe the crazy people start to come out when the weather gets warmer. Maybe it was because Nick Diaz was involved.
There were plenty of good stories, too, of course. But this is not the place for those, especially with such an embarrassing bumper crop of bad to be celebrated. Here are MMA's 10 biggest losers—both inside and outside the cage—of March.
For the previous month's Wall of Shame, click here.
Now this was some real Machiavelli crap.
Amateur heavyweight Charles Rowan allegedly died in a car accident on his way to a fight. Turns out he faked his own death (per ESPN). He then went on to rob a gun store and get arrested. People kinda pieced it together when they saw his mugshot on TV.
Somewhere, Lennay Kekua giggles maniacally.
Miesha Tate sure is coasting into this new role with the UFC.
Cornering boyfriend Bryan Caraway in his fight with Takeya Mizugaki at UFC on Fuel 8, Tate advised him before the third—and, from what I understand, maybe the most important—round that he could "coast" to the W. Caraway followed the advice, then lost a close decision to a determined Mizugaki, who was fighting in front of his Japanese countrymen.
Silver lining: Apparently, the performance was good enough to potentially land Tate in a coaching role opposite rival Ronda Rousey on the next season of The Ultimate Fighter. Can she instill that "never say fight" attitude in her charges? Only time will tell.
As covered by Bloody Elbow's Brent Brookhouse, the World Series of Fighting promotion had a little snafu before its second-ever event, held Saturday in Atlantic City.
Some issues with the cage led to a substantial delay in its approval by the New Jersey State Athletic Control Board, which presumably precipitated some pretty panicky phone calls to arrange a plane ticket for a replacement canvas. The rejiggered cage passed inspection with two whole hours to spare.
But there's more. Andrei Arlovski, just the event's main-eventer, got in the cage with gloves that read "UFC" on them. That's not the right promotion.
I'm no Dana de la Hoya, but you know what I think? I think that's possibly not what you're looking for if you're a fight promoter.
Earlier in the month, fighter Fallon Fox announced she is transgendered. Fox is not included here because of that announcement. She's included for unwittingly becoming a political baton in a relay race to the bottom of the MMA discourse.
It was kind of a sad thing, if entirely predictable. I might be a crazy person, but I don't believe it's unreasonable to expect discourse to happen in a way that is respectful and fair-minded, regardless of the subject matter.
Many people adhere to that same philosophy. Many don't. The latter population ensured Fox was on the losing end of the first salvo in what will surely be a protracted battle for the public's understanding.
"Look at what I have here. I want you to get in close. Take a good look. This is the largest imaginary hamburger the world has ever seen. I have eleven strips of bacon on here."
I could have looked the other way if Dave Begel had just decried MMA. Perhaps, it wouldn't have stood out so much if he had simply degraded women and left it at that. But to do both in one column? Now you've got my attention.
Because hey, if you're going to put your byline over a giant block of moron, at least have a clear mission statement. Pick a lane, buddy!
But he didn't. He had too much to say. Too much inside. Because women's MMA, people! Do I have to draw you degenerates a map? Or can I go back to my real passion in life, which is imaginary hamburgers?
I realize the column came out in February, but he still makes it into March thanks to the television whoopin' he received on Inside MMA, courtesy of hosts Bas Rutten and Kenny Rice.
First, Douglas Lima's injury forced a delay of the season's welterweight tournament final between Lima and Ben Saunders, originally scheduled for Bellator 93.
Then, Eric Prindle pulled a classic Eric Prindle, backing out of his fight with Brett Rogers with an undisclosed injury. And barely one whole day before fight night at that.
Then, during the event, British phenom Michael Page landed a punch on the immortal Ryan Sanders that resulted in a very fast, but controversial, knockout.
Watch the knockout GIF for yourself here and make your own decision. I make no judgement, but merely state that it was controversial. Even MMA alpha reporter Ariel Helwani raised an eyebrow. And that doesn't happen very often.
Then, a promising bout between Marcus Davis and Waachiim Spiritwolf became a "no contest" after Spiritwolf was unable to recover from a low blow.
Then, in the main event, Dave Jansen and Marcin Held fought in the long-delayed final of last season's lightweight tournament. Jansen took an impressive, though completely not electrifying, decision victory.
Then, after the card, a doctor apparently told Davis that, no, Spiritwolf had not been kneed in the groin, but rather suffered some kind of anxiety attack.
You know what I'm looking forward to? Bellator 94. Or just any kind of chaser, really. I'll wait for the Bellator folks to recommend something.
Dave Begel compared women's MMA to pornography. That was going to be one of the month's truly big winners in the loser category. But then South Dakota state legislator and clergyman Steve Hickey strode into the room, spurs a-jingling, and upped the ante.
He called MMA the child porn of sports. Why? What's the logic here? Well, desensitization to violence, you see, is just like desensitization to pornography. Any psychologist will tell you this. Ergo, MMA is the child porn of sports.
Please don't take out your anger on Hickey, just because he has the courage to connect the dots between all those indisputable facts. After all, isn't venting your pent-up aggression what being an MMA fan is all about? Instead of displacing your problems, perhaps consider making your peace with what you are, which is a monster.
In a completely and totally unrelated news item, last week Hickey's home state of South Dakota became the 46th state to legalize MMA.
It's the same old story. Boy gets fight. Boy loses fight (badly). Boy cries foul. Boy hints at retirement. Boy makes excuses. Boy admits tax evasion at a press conference. Boy demands rematch. Boy demands Anderson Silva. Boy gets detained by police.
What are you looking at? Just another weekend in the life of the inimitable Nick Diaz.
A second nod to Bloody Elbow's Brent Brookhouse this month for his work exposing a huge student exodus away from jiu-jitsu trainer Lloyd Irvin, who has long been followed by strange sexual assault cases involving his students and others.
In the wake of the article, Irvin's affiliate program fell apart, as did seemingly everything else around him. We'll see how it all plays out, but in the meantime, there's little doubt he's MMA's biggest loser from the month of March.
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