Seeding the NBA Playoffs by What Really Counts: Cheerleaders

The NBA Playoff seeds are all set in stone for 2009. However, I don’t think we should judge a team solely on number of wins and losses, but rather by how hot their cheerleaders are.

After sitting down and sipping on some Courvoisier, I came up with the real way teams should be ranked in the Playoffs. A simple formula: the hotter the cheerleaders, the higher the seed.

Now, before we get too excited about all this talk regarding seeding and cheerleaders, let's acknowledge the fact that these ladies have worked hard all year and deserve most of the credit for home victories.

So here is the only true way to evaluate the postseason merits of a team: by their cheerleaders.

First up, the Eastern Conference.

Eighth Seed: Chicago Bulls

Now the Luvabulls helped their squad to a 28-13 home record this year and helped the Bulls gain a seventh seed in the East according to “traditional seeding.” Ladies, I am familiar with your work, but I am sorry to say you are at the back of the line.

Seventh Seed: Detroit Pistons

There may be some correlation between hot cheerleaders and a winning record, considering on this list the Pistons only moved up one spot from their alleged “actual” seed in the East.

Sixth Seed: Cleveland Cavaliers

Well, there goes that theory.

Although the Cavs boasted a stellar home record of 39-2, they failed to convert on the stellar hot cheerleader front.

If the Cavaliers want to keep LeBron after 2010, I highly suggest they improve their ranking here. It's for the good of the team!

Fifth Seed: Boston Celtics

I like the green and the enthusiasm. As long as they don’t river dance, I think they will hold strong at the five spot.

Fourth Seed: Orlando Magic

It is hot in Orlando, and they have some serious cuties down south. A great way to get in with this lovely fourth seed squad would be to say, “Trust me, I’m a Magician.” That is maybe the only place in the world that line would work, maybe (no offense to any actual magicians out there).

Third Seed: Atlanta Hawks

Now I know what Ludacris was rapping about all this time! The ladies cheering for the ATL are free to throw some TLC on the NBA this postseason.

Second Seed: Miami Heat

D-Wade’s scoring isn’t the only thing that is up this season in Miami. I think you all know what I am referring to: The Heat’s seeding in the Playoffs is way up as well.

What? Where did you think I was going with that?

First Seed: Philadelphia 76ers

Maybe a surprise No. 1 seed for some, to others a no-brainer. The 76er girls are leading the charge into the Playoffs with the No. 1 seed out East.

Now let's take a look at how things stack up out West.

Eighth Seed: Denver Nuggets

Everyone likes an outdoorsy girl, and Nuggets cheerleaders are very likable. You'd be able to have a beer with them at a bar with your buddies. Awesome? Yes. Hot? Debatable. They fall to No. 8 for lack of a clear-cut babe factor.

Seventh Seed: Dallas Mavericks

If this were the Dallas football team, this squad would be hands down No. 1.

I imagine being a cheerleader for a pro sports franchise in Dallas other than the Cowboys is like playing for the B squad. They drop to No. 7 because of the high expectations we as a culture have about Dallas cheerleaders.

Sixth Seed: San Antonio Spurs

Who says the Spurs are boring to watch? Well, I do.

But if the camera crew just kept the lens focused on the sidelines, I might be inclined to pay attention to what’s going on down by the river walk.

Fifth Seed: New Orleans Hornets

I would not mind being stung by one of these Hot Hornets. I am also a fan of the multiple uniforms being worn on the floor at the same time. As we all know, variety is the spice of life.

Fourth Seed: Portland Trail Blazers

Perhaps a surprise at No. 4, but the Blazers proved themselves this year by making the playoffs, and I am guessing the hot cheerleaders had A LOT to do with it.

Third Seed: Los Angeles Lakers

The Lakers had the best record in the West, and they had the famous Laker girls cheering them on. I feel that with the Laker girl title comes a lot of responsibility. They are great but I am not going to lie—I was expecting more. A respectable three seed is the result.

Second Seed: Houston Rockets

Wow! These Houston hotties really showed me a lot this year—so much so they even made me forget that Ming guy’s first name.

First Seed: Utah Jazz

Mormons! They have a fantastic squad in Utah that really was the surprise of the NBA this season. Yes, the boys may have been injured and fallen in the standings, but no one in Utah noticed because of these beautiful sideline babes.