Athletics 8, Red Sox 2 — Jon Lester got a little roughed up in Oakland last night. It’s ok, Jon, it’s happened to the best of us. You’re walking around a bad part of town, the wrong end of San Leandro Boulevard, and all of a sudden BAM! Three guys, out of nowhere, jump you and take everything you have. Or, in your case, the A’s offense manhandles you, as five different Athletics drove in runs on Lester in his six innings of work. Including—and this might hurt, Sawx fans—NO-MAH!

Line of the game: D Braden, SP OAK: W, 6 H, 2 ER, BB, 3 K in 6.0 IP

Rays 15, Yankees 5 — No, Nick Swisher will not qualify at pitcher now.

But he did pitch a nice 8th inning for the Pinstripes: H, BB, K, 1.0 IP. Gabe Kapler, btw, will go down in history as the guy who struck out to Nick Swisher. The Yankees starter (and an actual, y’know, professional pitcher), Chien-Ming Wang, however, had an awful, awful, awful outing: 6 H, 8 ER, 3 BB, K, in just 1.0 IP! Goodness!

Line of the game: C Pena, 1B TB: 3 for 6, 2 R, 6 RBI, 2 2B, HR

Orioles 10, Rangers 9 — Another early exit for a starter, as Texas’ Vicente Padilla posted 11 H, 7 ER, BB, K, in his 3.1 IP. Chris Davis may indeed be waking up and realizing there is baseball to be played (3 for 4, R, 2 RBI, HR) and Aubrey Huff is out to prove he’s legit (4 for 5, 3 RBI, 2B)… but the man to pay attention to here is the Amazing Fatass, Andruw Jones! Welcome back to baseball, Druw!

Line of the game: A Jones, DH TEX: 2 for 3, 2 R, 3 RBI, 2 BB, 2B, HR

Royals 4, Indians 2 — Is it just me, or is the Tribe beginning to resemble the team that fielded Pedro Cerrano and Jake Taylor? Starting the season 1-6 will produce these kinds of optical illusions. Victor Martinez went 3 for 5 and continued the early-season tear that has him at a .367 AVG for the year. No one on the Royals offense stands out, I guess it really was a team effort. I don’t think I can be less excited about a game…

Line of the game: Z Greinke, SP KC: W, 6 H, 2 BB, 9 K, 0 ER in 5.0 IP

Blue Jays 8, Twins 6 — The Blue Jays really spread the offense around, as every starter save Marco Scutaro logged at least 2 hits, and even Scutaro reached base by way of the walk. Adam Lind didn’t have a huge day (2 for 5, R, 2B) so if you have him, see if you can trade him to the idiot in your league before his value drops completely off the table. This was a close one, that wasn’t decided until the Jays tied in the 7th and scored the go-ahead and keep-ahead runs in the 8th. Jason Frasor, who pitches the 7th, gets the win.

Line of the game: T Snider, OF TOR: 2 for 3, 2 R, 3 RBI, BB, 2 HR

Padres 6, Mets 5 — First game in Citi Field. Gerut hits a leadoff homer. Pelfrey falls, makes ass of self. The rest is boring.

Line of the game: D Wright, 3B NYM: 2 for 4, R, 3 RBI, 2B, HR

Reds 7, Brewers 6 — Wow. This was like the opposite of a pitching duel. The two starters lasted just 5.0 IP each and gave up all the runs in the game. Volquez gave up 6 ER on 7 H, whereas Gallardo gave up 7 ER on 3 H… so it certainly looks like Volquez got lucky.

Line of the game: C Hart, OF MIL: 2 for 4, R, 3 RBI, BB, 3B, HR

Cardinals 2, Diamondbacks 1 — Ah, poor Doug Davis… to allow 7 H, 2 ER, BB, 5 K over 8.0 IP, and get saddled with the loss? That sucks. The first run scored on him… a solo shot in the fourth by Prince Albert himself… is hard to beat him up about.

But how the hell does Brian Barden hit a home run off you, Doug?! HOW?! That was his first ding dong in 57 PA spread out over the last three seasons. Yikes.

Line of the game: T Wellemeyer, SP STL: W, 7 H, ER, 0 BB, 4 K in 7.0 IP