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The Premier League Is Dead, Apparently

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The Premier League Is Dead, Apparently
Alex Livesey/Getty Images
Bemused looks from the veteran and prized asset

The Champions League has spoken and has declared the Premier League is no longer the force of European football. Throw away your season tickets, cancel your subscriptions to domestic broadcasters and choose a team from one of the super powers you have no emotional connection to and hang your hat on it. 

No teams in the quarterfinals of the CL for the first time since 1996 surely sounds the death knell for English football. We may as well rip up the seats, return to terraces and start engaging in some good old-fashioned hooliganism again. If we cant challenge in Europe, we may as well be banned from it.  

We can’t compete with the technical suave of the Spanish, the socially minded ownership models of the Germans or the match fixingly rigid defence of the Italians. Even the French are beating us at our own game, with Paris S-G going the oil money route to the quarters and buying up every egotistical big name machinery they can lay their hands on. 

So what are we going to do? The national team has been floundering for years, sacrificed to the gods of Premier League football, and now the PL has reneged on its side of the bargain. With a crisis this endemic the Germans and Spanish would revolutionise their coaching and development strategies, while the Italians would, well Christ knows, actually they would probably ask Christ. 

So, what is the English reaction? We’ve signed a new domestic television deal worth £3bn. Yes, that’s right. THREE BILLION POUNDS. If plan A doesn’t work, do it again, but BIGGER. If you can’t beat them, crank up the investment and pouch their best players. 

So there we go, the Premier League is in crisis and desperately trying to buy its way out of trouble (not too dissimilar to QPR. Is 'Arry about to replace Scundamore as CEO?)

It's a terrible state of affairs. We are all in mourning over the death of our national game. Accordingly, I ask you to observe a minute's silence this weekend when you join the other 100 million people who will sit down and watch the Premier League this weekend. 

Or, boycott it all together and just watch the Euopa League instead. We’re doing quite well in that.

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