*Mission Impossible soundtrack in the background*
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate behind enemy lines into the hostile Allianz Arena in Bavaria. Your sole aim would be to bang a boatload of goals past them because they stand in your way in your bid to reach the Promised Land not too far from your backyard—a place called Wembley.
A fortnight ago, the Germans invaded you in your turf and you were on the wrong end of some bashing so we had to extract you quickly from enemy territory.
Even the best agents have a bad day at the office, but you were surprisingly shocking in checking your rearguard as well as being toothless in attack.
Secret German Agent Kroos, Toni Kroos, lit you up with one hell of a finish. Shortly afterwards, it was Young Mueller that scored the all-important second goal. Even if you managed to fictitiously get one back from Prinz Poldi, Luigi's long lost brother, Super Mario Mandzukic killed off the contest.
This time in Bavaria, you’ll be aided by a list of the finest 11 secret agents available redeployed from our world-class agencies.
Szszsz the big Pole will guard your sticks while the Big Friendly Giant and Bosscielny will be at the heart of your defense. Don’t be bothered about the enemy striking from your flanks; we have stationed the Belgian Verminator and Lil' Jenko' there.
Your rearguard will be protected with holding midfielders like the Lego-haired Spaniard and Wales' own version of Rambo, without the big guns and excess bullets of course. With our combative general, Jackie Boy, out of the equation, we have decided to opt for some music in midfield, orchestrated by Little Mozart.
Your attack will be very potent with the raw pace of Usain Theo Bolt and the trickery of Saint Santi. The attack will be spearheaded by our purple-patch goalscoring Weapon of Mass Destruction from France, Legionnaire Giroud.
Agent Arsenal, the CIA record books tell us that no one, I repeat, no one has ever turned around a two-goal deficit at home but I'm pretty sure their historians were K.I.A when you were hammered with three unreplied goals at home to Inter. We deployed you for one hell of a mission impossible at the San Siro, tagged the Italian Job, but you came back victorious courtesy of an inspired performance from Mr. Va Va Voom himself, King Thierry Henry.
Oh wait, they are right...you decimated Inter in the 2003/04 Group Stages.
Should you fail to get past Bayern, it will be the third time in a row you'll be ousted from the first knockout round. For a team that reached the final in 2006 and a semifinal berth in 2009, this is unacceptable.
I know that you're not up to the Madrids, Barcas and Juventus' of football, but on your day, you're a force to be reckoned with. Need I remind you that you beat Madrid in the Bernabeu, Barca at the Emirates and you made a star-studded Juventus side look so mediocre in 2006.
I hate to say this but Bayern has conceded only three goals in the Champions League this season, and that's what you need to score to qualify. Anything less and you will be swimming with the fishes.
If this would give you any solace, they would be without Ribery the Elf, German Colonel Schweiny and that Ghanaian mercenary that preferred to serve Germany instead of staying with the Gold Coast.
Agent Arsenal, send Bayern Munich back to Bedlam.
This message will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…