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Google Search Suggestions for College Football's Biggest Personalities

Amy DaughtersFeatured ColumnistMarch 6, 2013

Google Search Suggestions for College Football's Biggest Personalities

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    Did you know that if you were to type “Will Muschamp is” into Google that the little pop-window that provides suggestions for your search would include “a psychopath”?

    This illustrates one of the real wonders of modern-day Google; the suggestions that appear while you are typing in a specific search can oftentimes be more interesting than what you actually planned on looking for.

    And they can often lead you off your pre-planned path for hours on end, ultimately reading some random guy’s blog, doing a series of Google image searches or looking at somebody’s sister’s Facebook page.

    The following slideshow applies this cutting-edge predictive search technology to some of the biggest names in college football and provides, for your pleasure, some fairly entertaining results.

    So friend, sit back and relax because the kickoff of the 2013 season is still 175 days away…

Brian Kelly, Notre Dame

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    What’s somewhat surprising about a Google search that starts with “Brian Kelly should…” is the fact that there are no results such as “coach in the NFL,” “take the job at Texas” or “get out while the getting is good.”

    Instead, you get stuff about how he should be fired, should resign or should lose his job.

    I’m no Brian Kelly fan, and though I respect Notre Dame, I’m not a Leprechaun lover, but regardless isn’t this the same guy who got the Irish to the 12-win mark for the first time since 1989?

    Really, you could argue that “get a new haircut” “recruit some faster guys” or “change the helmets back to flat gold” would have been more realistic results than “be fired.”

    Seriously, like the guy or hate him, why in the world would Notre Dame can him?

Mack Brown, Texas

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    Though almost every major college football coach gets tagged as “an idiot” or another variation of a derogatory label in the suggestion box, Mack Brown is one of the few who gets called “scared.”

    Yes, apparently, according to Google, there is a reason to find out why “Mack Brown is scared…”

    So, what’s he frightened of?

    Here are a few gentle suggestions:

    He’s scared of Bob Stoops because the Sooners smashed the Horns 55-17 and 63-21 in their last two meetings and have won four of the last six.

    He’s scared that people might start talking about the fact that, despite going 150-43 since 1998 at Texas, that he’s only won the Big 12 twice in 15 seasons.

    Or, he’s scared because he knows that eventually, when he finally goes, that Texas will be forced to change its official university sanctioned football website to a name other than “mackbrown-texasfootball.com.”

     

Lane Kiffin, USC

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    Honestly, I personally expected Lane Kiffin to suffer a far harsher beating in his Google search suggestion box than “is a joke,” “is a scumbag,” “is an idiot” and, the classic, “is a liar.”

    Seriously, where are the “is” references to him being a questionable football coach?

    I’m not saying that he isn’t a decent coach (I’m just saying he’s not…), but really you’d expect something more along the lines of “is not a good football coach” or “sucks” or even much harsher words that I won’t try and conjure up here.

    You know, due to decorum and all that crap.

    My favorite part of this specific search is the first actual link that comes up from Yahoo! Sports entitled, “Lane Kiffin defends Barkley by ripping USC’s defense, which was coached by his father.”

    That’s a real delight.

Nick Saban, Alabama

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    Perhaps the hottest name in football coaching, at any level, Nick Saban’s substantial success over the past several seasons means that he has earned the right to not be suggested as “an idiot,” “a moron” or a “scumbag” by the search engine.

    Well, at least not for now.

    Instead, by using “Nick Saban hates” as the catch-phrase, he gets a shout-out for his two-year run at NFL Miami and then gets double-dipped on his supposed hate of the celebratory Gatorade drenching that often occurs in the throes of jubilation.

    But, what’s more intriguing than all of this is the fact that Google suggests we search for “Nick Saban hates…Christmas.”

    Sure, we all know that Saban is super focused and not necessarily a pomp and circumstance guy, but, hating Christmas….really?

    Nick Saban hating yule logs, greeting cards, the tree in the Grand Hotel, the one in the park as well and the sturdy kind that doesn’t mind the snow?

    You’ve got to figure that somebody from Michigan State or LSU was all up in Google’s business for this to have happened.

     

Urban Meyer, Ohio State

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    It’s really no surprise that Ohio State’s Urban Meyer is still taking a beating, on Google, for leaving Florida and coaching only to return a short season later with a new dance partner.

    Yes, type in “Urban Meyer is” and the wonder of predictive technology suggests you investigate claims that he is “a liar,” “a scumbag,” “a cheater” and “a jerk.”

    Is it any wonder that the first two links provided by Google for this search are from the Florida-based Orlando Sentinel and that the third comes via a Michigan fan’s blog?

    What I personally enjoy about this specific screen shot is the fourth link to a USAToday.com article from 2011 which says, “To Urban Meyer: Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

    You’ll have to read on to see if Mike Lopresti sharpens his tongue by continuing with, “Hanging on a telephone wire.”

     

Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M

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    Though typing in “Johnny Manziel is” will get you some pretty sweet search suggestions such as “is ugly,” “is overrated” and “is a punk” what’s even more entertaining comes by going with the less obvious “Johnny Manziel wanted…”

    Indeed, what did the Heisman winner, big man on campus and super stud want before his meteoric rise to fame?

    Well, according to the handy suggestive search window, Manziel “wanted to go to Texas,” “wanted to play for the University of Texas” and if those first two didn’t make it crystal clear, OMG, he “wanted to be a Longhorn!”

    It’s like “True Confessions of a Texas QB.”

    Yikes!

    For those unable to deal with that alternate reality there is option No. 2 which leads you to another foreign shore entitled “Johnny Manziel wanted to go to LSU.”

    Holy Reveille!

     

Aaron Murray, Georgia

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    Really, when you get right down to it Georgia’s QB Aaron Murray might have the best set of recommended search paths of anyone on this illustrious listing.

    Indeed, while other guys get called names, get accused of wanting to play for the enemy or being scared, Murray gets one only slam and three full-fledged almost compliments.

    Well, sort of.

    The only snub Murray gets via keying “Aaron Murray is” into the search box is “a jerk” which is fairly mild name-calling compared to what others have been slapped with.

    On the plus side, the Bulldog gunslinger is tagged “not ashamed” and perhaps the major reason for this overwhelming pride is that he is, apparently, “Kellen Moore’s equal.”

    What’s up for grabs regarding this twist is the looming question of whether the reference to parity with Boise State’s former QB Moore is a good thing or a bad thing.

    But, regardless of how you slice it and much like a Ginsu knife commercial, “Wait! There is more!”

    Yes, in what might be the highest honor bestowed in our Google search suggestion sweepstakes, Aaron Murray “is hot!”

    Ah yes, the dishy Murphy, the one who is not embarrassed by his equivalence to Blue Turfer alumnus Kellen Moore, and, the one who is, well, a jerk.

Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina

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    Wait!  Hold the presses!  This just in from the Google suggestive search box bureau…Jadeveon Clowney “is not human!”

    Yes, please hit enter to search for the full story, but, as per the little box of query ideas, South Carolina’s standout DE is an alien…

    Well, we all know that the real reason why, when typing in “Jadeveon Clowney is” into Google, that results like “a beast” and “not human” appear has more to do with his stunning on-field play than his previous habitation on another planet.

    But, as complimentary and well-deserved as those options are you’ve still got stuff like “is under investigation” and “is a thug” out there, which I suppose indicates some sort of balance, but also makes you wonder who comes up with this stuff.

    My best bet is that Georgia, Florida and Clemson fans have typed in the latter two phrases enough times to have them top the charts on Google.

     

Brent Musburger, ABC

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    A huge college football personality in his own right, ABCs Brent Musburger may have an eye for the ladies but have you ever wondered what Google predicts that he hates?

    Yes, if you were to ask the soothsayer that is Google to fill in the blank for “Brent Musburger hates…” what would the results be?

    Well, how about, “Nebraska,” “Texas,” “Notre Dame” and “Ohio State?”

    Indeed, Musburger apparently hates all over the Midwest and Southwest but has no bad feelings towards the East Coast, West Coast or SEC.

    What’s interesting on the screen shot for Musburger is the fact that three of the four links provided are directly related to Nebraska’s off-again relationship with the aging broadcaster.

    My personal favorite bit on this page is the third link down from the top, a piece on DeadSpin.com which boldly advertises, “Brent Musburger, Public Nuisance.”

    Now, isn’t that an interesting way of putting it?

    Even better, when you Google “Brent Musburger, Public Nuisance” you get another DeadSpin.com link, this one titled “Brent Musburger Will Kick Your Ass.”

    Well, Herbie, I didn’t see that one coming.

Steve Sarkisian, Washington

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    Saving the best for last, if you crank up Google to try and find Steve Sarkisian’s record at Washington look forward to a treat to savor.

    Yes friend, just type in “Steve Sarkisian rec” as if you were attempting  to look up his win/loss mark or “record” as a coach and sit back and enjoy Google’s third suggested search option.

    Indeed, how about “Steve Sarkisian related to Cher” as the cherry to plop on top of our landmark predictive search project?

    So, is Sarkisian related to Cher, the artist formerly part of the super-duo Sonny and Cher?

    Sadly, the answer is no but the two are purportedly working on a Vegas act for the offseason aptly called, “Sarki and Cher.”

    I’m not going to lie to you, that’s good stuff.



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