25 Incredibly Vain Things Athletes Do

Nick Dimengo@@itsnickdimengoFeatured ColumnistMarch 7, 2013

25 Incredibly Vain Things Athletes Do

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    For some athletes, achieving fame, fortune and success at such a young age can be overwhelming at times.

    Sure, we wouldn't mind switching places with them, but that doesn't mean we'd have it any easier.

    Since some of our favorite players need to make it known how good they are, or how much money they presumably have in their bank account, we can't help but roll our eyes at some of the vain things they do.

Snap Pics of Their Bills

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    Although this specific example wasn't done by Manning himself, we still see plenty of athletes who just love tossing their spending sprees all over the Internet.

    It sure would be nice to spend close to a grand on a dinner and not feel like we had to sit in the rest of the month, wouldn't it?


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    Some of the greatest athletes ever are known for their gambling habits.

    Most attribute it to the fact that they just need the adrenaline rush of some sort of competition, but we call bluff.

    A ton of people yearn to win, so would these guys really be dropping fat stacks if they had little money? Doubtful.

    But when it's like Monopoly money, it really doesn't matter.

Own a Business

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    This might not be high on your list, but like the title of that ESPN show says, Numbers Don't Lie.

    Athletes are competitive by nature; that's what makes them so great. But for whatever reason, these guys are cocky enough to think that their time running around a field or shooting a basketball makes them business people.

    Here's a tip: Just because you can afford a Ferrari doesn't mean you know how to drive it, so quit dumping money into things you have no idea how to run.

Celebrate Like They've Never Scored Before

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    Ronaldo's one of the worst culprits in all of sports, but the same can be said for any football player who crosses the plane and celebrates obnoxiously.

    It takes the attention away from the team and puts it all on them.

    Sports are full of emotion; we get that, but as most coaches will tell any player, "Act like you've been there before."

Paying for a Jersey Number

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    It's safe to say that an annual salary of about $40,000 isn't too shabby for a normal person.

    But for a pro athlete who makes millions, that's literally pocket change and can be spent on a teammate to buy back a lucky number he might occupy.

    When you're dropping that much on a couple digits, it's definitely a sign of wealth.

Retire, Unretire, Retire, Unretire, Retire

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    We still wish Michael Jordan was playing, so he gets a pass from us. But thank God a guy like Brett Favre finally made up his damn mind and called it quits a couple years ago!

    It's bad enough these guys waffle back and forth, but it's almost even more pathetic that teams let them do it by entertaining it with open arms.

Call out Ownership

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    While we all have beef with our employers, there are few of us that would actually march into our boss's office and call him mindless or cheap—unless we wanted to lose our job.

    In sports, though, this is called "playing your hand" or "negotiating," hoping that the owner gets so fed up that he ships you off somewhere else.

Build a Statue of Themselves

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    Why isn't this surprising to see from the Balotelli?

    There have been rumors about other athletes getting paintings done of themselves before, but an entire statue? Now that's some serious love for oneself.

Trademark Their Own Celebrations

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    It's one thing for the media to dub a nickname for your celebration, but it's completely different when you not only develop a routine when scoring, but then actually go to extremes to make sure it's all yours.

    Props for the creativity on the dance or pose, but not so much licensing it.

    Who do you think you are, Jay-Z or something?

Talk Trash Through Twitter

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    We've seen a million cases of guys who use Twitter as a place to rip teammates, franchises and, of course, opposition.

    But all they're doing is putting even more pressure on both themselves and their team to go out and back it up.

    For guys like Titus Young, though, it's just swept under the rug because it's so nonsensical at this point.

Shave Trash Talk in Their Hair

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    Crazy hair in sports is commonplace—though it'd look really weird if just seen walking around on the street.

    But when guys go out of their way to actually shave something in their head to try to intimidate an opposing player, it's just stupid.

    Like most things on this list, it makes it all about themselves and not so much about the team's goals.

Assume Every Girl Wants Them

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    While we know most athletes land some serious skin, what's with the majority of them thinking every single girls wants a piece of them?

    Reality check to athletes: They're called jersey chasers, and you'll probably want to avoid them as much as possible so you don't get yourself in trouble.

Give Themselves a Nickname

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    Much like developing a trademark celebration, giving yourself a nickname might be the biggest tool move for an athlete.

    Kobe Bryant recently dubbed himself "Vino" because, like fine wine, he's only getting better with age.

    Not bad, but the "Mamba" was so money.

    Dwyane Wade recently created his own AKA, referring to himself as "WOW" — meaning 'Way of Wade', which is seriously just insanely dumb. Should have just stuck with "Flash", bro.

Celebrate Before Winning Anything

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    The old saying, "Games aren't won on paper" just doesn't get through to some athletes who still insist that declaring themselves (or teams) the best of the best before actually playing any games is a good move.

    Vince Young might be the best example when he said the Philadelphia Eagles would be a "Dream Team" after all their offseason moves a couple years ago.

    How'd that work out for you, VY?

Anything Ochocinco Does

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    We've seen the former wideout change his last name, bust out this "Future H.O.F." jacket and start his own, semi-serious news network.

    That would be somewhat fine if it weren't from one of the biggest self-promoters in sports history, who constantly still talks on Twitter like people care.

    And though we love Shaq's antics—most of the time—he too has some of the same "it's all about me" tendencies No. 85 does.

Talk Trash About Someone's Family

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    As mentioned numerous times, trash talk is all part of the game, but everyone has to know where the line is.

    Giving a guy a profane-laden version of saying he's short or can't hit a shot is fair game, but when talking about a Mama or wife, be prepared for the offended to be waiting at the team bus for you.

Send NSFW Pictures

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    Don't these athletes know these pics are going to find their way onto the Internet somehow?

    From Favre's wicked pursuit of Jenn Sterger to Greg Oden and Grady Sizemore sending images to their women, fans will get a hold of these things without much sweat.

    Athletes can't be so naive to think their private parts are untouchable.

Purposely Try to Injure Another Player

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    It's probably the most classless move in all of sports, but we still see it time and time again.

    When a guy admits to either retaliating or making things personal between he and another player, it not only inducts him into the "Jackass Hall of Fame," but he's embarrassing his coach, teammates and organization.

Do Anything for Attention

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    Regardless of stature, 90 percent of athletes love to be the center of attention. That said, we've obviously seen some guys go to extremes in order to get it.

    From blasting on Twitter to setting up a workout on their driveway, guys will do whatever they can for people to know everything that's going on with them.

Hold a Press Conference to Announce Their Free-Agent Destination

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    There's only one guy who has done this—unless you count that awkward farewell press conference the Colts staged for Peyton when releasing him.

    We don't; that's why LeBron's "Decision" should have never happened and probably won't happen again in the history of sports thanks to the negative feedback.

Talk in Third Person

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    Shaq and Ali are the most notable cases, but when an athlete can't speak in first person, it can become irritating.

    They might be taught that there's no "I" in team, but we promise it's OK to use it when referring to oneself during an interview.

Get Arrested

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    It's not so much an athlete actually getting caught that makes them seem vain—hell, we've probably all gotten a public intoxication ticket from our college days—but it's some of the excuses and blase attitude that makes them look like complete asses.

    Sure, in most cases, the media spins it to look like the worst thing possible, but athletes know because of their status that they won't get more than just a slap on the wrist from both the law and their head coach.

Toss a Teammate Under the Bus

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    Players talk about "getting ready for war" for big games, yet we're not sure we'd openly march into enemy territory with a guy who's willing to turn his back on us so easily.

    As much as we love Kobe's intensity and competitiveness, he's become notorious for saying whatever he wants about his guys.

    We get that it's an effort to motivate and challenge them, but damn man, there's no way sensitive guys like Dwight Howard or Pau Gasol can handle that stuff.

Cheat on Their WAGs

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    As mentioned earlier, athletes land more hot girls than the regular guy, yet for some reason, that's just not good enough.

    While us normal dudes could only imagine even five minutes with Eva Longoria or Cheryl Cole, some athletes think they can get even better, rolling around with the hottest lady around them at the moment.

Blatantly Lie to Fans and Media

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    It's one thing to cheat—either in sport or on a spouse—but it's a whole new ballgame when a guy denies and lies to everyone about any of it.

    Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and Ben Johnson have all pulled this trick to try to save face, but once the truth comes out, that's when the real abuse starts coming.

    Our question: Was it really worth it?