The Federer Wedding No-Shows

Shrouded in secrecy, Roger Federer and Mirka Vavrinec got married this past weekend in Basil, Switzerland. While the media reported that the wedding was small, it was not quite intentional as many celebrity guests were unable to attend.

Here are some of the celebrities that wrote in and the reasons they gave for not attending one of Tennis' most important events of 2009.

Letter from Rafael Nadal

Hola Rodge

Sorry I no go to jour weddeeng! I hef importante underwater tournament to play wit de dolphin in Orlando, Florida. I hef de 13 rank so I hef to play my bes. I hope to improve but I keep run out of de airrr. De dolphin shoot me out of de water when I no move. Dey play good!

Rodge, you no send da invitacion! Too bad about dis tournament because I would go as weddeeng-cracher just like da movie!!
Hwon more ting. Very hard to scrat bum in watare....de dolphin keep pusing dere nose in same spot!

From Fran Drescher

HEHEHEHEEHEAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......RAJAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEE HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE.....You never cawled me after our brief date 15 yeaars ago....HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....and naow you aw married....hAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hey, why awr these invitation notes so shoart? Well, anyway, I caant go...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAA!

From John Cleese

Dear Mr. Federer,

Now I've warned you about sending me unsolicited material. Sending unsolicited mail to me is completely unsolicited. Even if you send me a note asking if you could send me a letter is completely and utterly......unsolicited.

This is the 14th letter I have sent you that has come back to me ...unsolicited. I won't stand anymore for these letters coming back to me....unsolicited.
You'll be happy to know...that you will have my ....unsolicited absence at your wedding...which was... unsolicited by me.

Unsolicitly Yours,
John Cleese

From Dr. Gregory House

Wilson claims to me that you are using his rackets. I find that very hard to believe. I also find it hard to believe that when I asked for tickets for the US Open in my neck of the woods, you turned a deaf ear, blind eye and whatever other improv diagnosis I can spew your way.

I am supposed to now, get on a plane and go to your nuptials when you already put a muffin in the oven? Get your priorities right first. Your losses to Nadal are due to your mother trying to push Spanish down your throat as a baby. Throw in some haggis and you've got mental problems.

By the way, I don't really care for tennis ....I would have scalped anything you sent me. Thank your dad for me for putting on one too many "er" at the end of your last name. "Feder" would have sufficed. Suprised he didn't name you Rogerer Federer.

Gregory House

From Robert Deniro

Sounds to me like you want to invite me to ya weddin....Not going to do it! Not going to do it! It's not in New York!! Listen Palie, next time you come to New York without lookin me up...I'm going to do YOU a favor.....I'm going to take a dump in dat trophy you keep winning...put the lid back on and hand it back to you...you got dat? Huh? Huh? Yeah...that's what I thought...

From Casey Kasem

Dear Roger and Mirka,
I am writing to send you my reply on the question you sent me here at American Top 40. Roger and Mirka write:

Dear Mr. Kasem,
Would you be so kind as to attend our wedding in Basel, Switzerland. We have been going together and travelling the world for over ten years and now that we are pregnant, marriage seems to be the right time.

Sincerely Yours
Roger and Mirka

Well Roger and Mirka, my answer can be found in a song that came out in 1982. It has since been one of the most sampled songs in America. Performed by Daryl Hall and John Oates, here's "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do).

From Boxcar Willie

If there is booze...hic....I'll be...hic....I'll...hic...I'll be th...hic I'll be there....just tell me which train I can...hic... take from Texas that'll ..hic..that'll,, hic...git me there to ...hic...where is it..hic...swissland..hic.

From Heather Mills

Hello Roger

I was going to attend your wedding but something has come up. I have been quite house-bound lately. My little Pomeranian "Frou-Frou" has been acting up lately. He keeps taking my wooden leg and burying it somewhere in the large backyard. If I was not such a strong supporter of PETA, I would have shot the little runt by now and had him for dinner.

From Tiger Woods

You're that tennis guy that I do razor commercials with, right? Thanks for the invitation but umm....no.

From President Obama

Uh Mr. Federer,

It gives me uh...great honor to receive your uh..invitation for your wedding. Please accept my..uh...apologies...as I am busy with many other things for America.

Let me say ..that ..uh...this time I must act as the uh.. Anti-Obama and instead of saying "Yes, I can", I am replacing that with "No, I won't".

Sincerely
Barak Obama
The President of the United States