The NBA is a fine league.
If you've ever visited Singapore, you know they fine you for just about any infraction. A popular t-shirt derisively calls it a "fine city" and lists the penalties for things like spitting and failing to flush a toilet.
Singapore is a pretty nice place, so maybe all those fines aren't such a bad idea.
And it appears the NBA has taken a cue from the island city-state, because the league office issues fines for all sorts of things: criticizing referees in postgame, serial flopping, punching opponents in the groin, cursing at fans and threatening to "go" in another player's mouth.
I personally think some of these fines are misplaced. In my NBA, players would be allowed to yell "Ball Don't Lie!" No one would be made to switch a woolly sweater for a striped shirt, collar be damned! And J.R. Smith could do whatever he wanted on Twitter.
But what else should warrant players getting fined? Well, I'm glad you asked.
Pretending You Meant to Bank It
But other times, a player's intentions are more unclear. If you're lucky enough to hit a long jumper off the window, you must yell "Glass!" to avoid a fine.
Either that or admit your shot was so off target that you banked it in by accident. Fines would be graduated for serial offenders.
Are you telling me that Sacramento Kings guard Isaiah Thomas (no relation) meant to bank this game-tying three-pointer from the wing?
Not a chance. But Thomas certainly styled like it was on purpose. The Kings went on to lose in overtime, probably because ball don't lie.
Glasses Without Lenses
I don't think I really need to go into this too much. Horn-rimmed glasses have swept the NBA, which is mainly due to players' stylists feeding into fashion trends.
I'm not demanding that these glasses be prescription. If you want to look like a hipster, that's your business.
But they at least must have lenses, which are really the chief constituent of "glasses."
Otherwise it's like wearing a shirt that doesn't cover your torso. Lensless spectacles in postgame interviews would incur a $10,000 fine.
The consequences for technical fouls have grown so significant, most refs are reluctant to issue them at times. But techs are their only recourse in some instances.
Strangely, Kobe Bryant leads the NBA in technicals with 14. Just two more and he'll be suspended for a game, which would be a dire circumstance for the L.A. Lakers. Kobe's magnificence was all that lifted them past the Toronto Raptors on Friday night.
But is Kobe a player with an "attitude problem," a la the all-time leader in technical fouls, Rasheed Wallace? No. Mamba just likes constantly complaining to the refs.
So there needs to be an intermediary punishment.
There's a long list of players who genuinely believe they've never actually committed a personal foul. Josh Smith, Dwyane Wade and Manu Ginobili come to mind. LeBron James seems to have cut down on it this year.
Players who persistently complain about fouls or non-calls must receive two warnings from the referee, and only then can a technical be issued merely for carping without cussing. The first warning is a $2,500 fine, the second is $5,000.
Superstars can afford to complain, but rookies and role players had better fall in line.
The Fadeaway Jumper
Patrick Ewing was excellent at these on the baseline, although shouldn't he just have been getting to the basket?
Two modern swamis of the fall-away jump shot are Kobe and Dirk Nowitzki. They execute it better than any other. It's a very short list, which would also include Kevin Garnett, Kevin Durant and D-Wade.
The fadeaway is one of the lowest percentage shots a player can take. While it's very difficult to defend, it's equally difficult to make and almost impossible to master. You're off-balance and moving away from your target.
So why would you attempt such a poor shot when the game is on the line?
Therefore, when a team trails by one or two points in the final 20 seconds, if a player (other than those mentioned above) misses a fadeaway jumper, they shall be fined $10,000 for conduct detrimental to the team.
Jarrett Jack's Face
The Golden State Warriors have gotten tremendous production off the bench from Jarrett Jack. I know because he's on my fantasy team, The Frozen Envelopes.
But he's got this face that he makes...
Isn't that taunting? Or at least ill-advised? I'm surprised he can see out of his tiny eyes normally without scrunching up his face.
I greatly prefer his other celebration, even if it is for a buzzer beater in the third quarter.
So, Jarrett, make that face, get a $1,000 fine. You're scaring the kids at home.
I will submit all of this to the Commissioner's office and await David Stern's reply. Please leave your own fineable NBA offenses in the comments below or tweet them to me. I'll be sure to pass them along to the commish.