Chinese Slam Dunk Contest Is a Wonderful and Exciting Kind of Depressing

Gabe Zaldivar@gabezalPop Culture Lead WriterFebruary 26, 2013

All of you whining about the 2013 NBA Slam Dunk Contest should take a gander at the Chinese Dunk Contest, because it was more like a glorified layup line. 

Actually, you can call this particular dunk contest a great many things, none of them being a "dunk contest." I am partial to the Great Attempt Fest of 2013, but will take your suggestions below. 

From the start, things get off to a sketchy start. Our basketball star goes up with two basketballs and comes down with one. 

Unlike the NBA version, this is precisely the moment I thought to myself, OK, I am interested. Hey, I've seen plenty of mediocre dunks take place while Kenny Smith swoons over them like Brent Musburger spotting Katherine Webb in the crowd. 

What we don't get to see is guys who are completely horrible at the fine art of dunking. As you will see by the end of the video, it's rather enjoyable. 

Next, our dazzling dunker in green tries a slam that wouldn't get noticed in pregame warmups, but it gets the lights-off treatment as the crowd goes insane. 

By insane, I mean the level of polite talking seems to spike to an audible level after this dunk. 

My favorite moment isn't the guy jumping over what looks to be a beanbag chair; it's the glorious attempt at the :30 second mark. 

That's when we see the Chinese Vince Carter take on what looks to be some odd mini-Zamboni shaped like a basketball sneaker. 

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Blake Griffin. 

It would be easy for me to dismiss this contest and say give it up, fellas. Any of you who have been following along know that is not the case. 

We need more of this Dunk Attempt Contest, because it's that perfect form of failure that engages the heart and captivates the eye. 

I could look away, but I don't want to. 

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