Fake 'Help-Wanted' Craigslist Ads for Every MLB Team in Spring Training
It’s a little surprising that Major League Baseball teams don’t use Craigslist to help fill their voids.
Craigslist is one of the best ways to get exactly what you’re looking for no matter what that might be. You may be looking for a car, a home, a job or maybe even a starting pitcher or third baseman. Sure, not all of the ads posted are legitimate, but for the most part, one would assume they’re real.
The “Help Wanted” section is about as good as it gets. Hundreds of companies looking for talented prospects use Craigslist to gauge interest and collect resumes.
With spring training games about to begin, here’s a look at what teams are posting under the “Help Wanted” section of Craigslist.
*Disclaimer: All of the upcoming ads are false and were not retrieved from Craigslist; I came up with all of them personally.*
Baltimore Orioles: Above-Average Designated Hitter
After making the playoffs for the first time in way too long, the Baltimore Orioles are looking for a solid designated hitter to help us get back in 2013. We have a designated hitter at the moment but are certainly looking for a replacement who can hit with consistency and with power. At least five years of experience is required. It’s expected that the player will be able to hit at least .275 with 20 home runs in 130 games.
Boston Red Sox: First Baseman with Working Hips
We have recently signed a player to be the everyday first baseman in 2013, but we have some concerns over his health. His hips don’t seem to be in the best of shape and could become an issue once he takes the field in the next few days. We are seeking someone with the ability to play first base with ease on a daily basis that doesn’t suffer from any type of hip ailments. That’s definitely going to be a deal-breaker. We WILL check your medical records.
New York Yankees: Retirement-Home Nurses
We in New York tend to allow our players to play for us for too long. Now, we’re stuck with them as they approach retirement and their production continues to decline. In order to aid the process of retirement, we’re seeking professional retirement-home nurses to get them acclimated for life post-baseball. There may be some resistance on their part, so we need applicants willing to put their foot down. At least seven years of professional experience is required to be considered.
Tampa Bay Rays: Bodyguard for Rising Prospect
We, the Tampa Bay Rays, just acquired one of the best prospects in baseball and can’t afford to let anything happen to him. He means a ton to the future of our organization and we are willing to pay a lot in order to keep him safe. In order to be considered for this position, experience as a bodyguard overseeing the safety of a professional athlete is essential. Resumes without respectable previous experience will be dumped into the ocean.
Toronto Blue Jays: Knuckleball Catcher
R.A. Dickey, one of the best pitchers in professional baseball, is now a Toronto Blue Jay. And we need you, a top-notch catcher who can handle a pitch that most can’t: the knuckleball. Previous experience catching a knuckleball—successfully—is a must. The ability to speak French is a plus, but isn’t essential. Please include references from former pitching coaches and pitchers you’ve worked with. Applicants should also be able to handle a bat since they’ll be hitting as well, not just catching.
Chicago White Sox: Designated Hitter with Good Eye
We’re starting to question whether our current designated hitter swings with his eyes open or closed, as he strikes out more than anyone we’ve ever employed before. The Chicago White Sox are looking to add a young designated hitter who won’t strike out every other at-bat. All those applying must be able to make solid contact as well, something he’s been inconsistent with in the past. Big-league experience is required for consideration.
Cleveland Indians: Cribbage-Playing Second Baseman
Our new manager, Terry Francona, is a big-time cribbage player. When he was in Boston, he would play constantly with second baseman Dustin Pedroia. We have a very good second baseman at the moment, but we don’t believe he’s a very good cribbage player. We’re looking for someone who can cribbage first and second base second. Even those without much baseball experience will be considered for the position. If you’re a cribbage king, this is the job for you.
Detroit Tigers: Consistent-Hitting Catcher
Our organization has been very good over the last handful of seasons, but that hasn’t stopped us from trying to get better. We, the Detroit Tigers, are looking for a new catcher that will bring more life to our lineup, which is quite powerful and we’d like to add a power-hitting catcher who hits consistently. If you’re going to hit .235, don’t apply. If you’re going to hit .285, that’s more like it. But the hitting has to be consistent year-to-year. No more hitting .285 the first year and then .235 the next.
Kansas City Royals: Top Outfield Prospect
The Kansas City Royals, as an organization, this offseason decided to part with our top prospect in order to acquire starting pitching help. There hasn’t been enough time to see how the trade will pan out, but we’re hesitant to say the least. If we could, we’d like to get another top outfield prospect just in case we truly regret trading our original one. He could have been a superstar. If you’re under 25 and are a rising minor leaguer, please send us your resume for review.
Minnesota Twins: Starting Catcher with Healthy Legs
We love what Joe Mauer brings to the table each season, but the truth is that he’s not fit to be a catcher anymore. Sure, he still has one of the best behind-the-plate minds we’ll ever find, but in order to keep him healthy, we have to move him elsewhere. Legs are essential for catchers and Mauer has had his issues with his own pair. We’re looking to find a starting catcher who can stay healthy for a couple of seasons while producing above-average numbers each year.
Houston Astros: Baseball Players with a Pulse
If you have a heartbeat, then the Houston Astros want you! Open tryouts will be held on Feb. 18 for those who feel they have what it takes to be a Major League Baseball player. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have any experience playing baseball, as there is no screening process. If you’re willing to come out and give it a shot, we’re willing to give you the look you deserve. If you have any questions about playing baseball, we can try to answer them, but no guarantees because we aren’t so sure ourselves.
Los Angeles Angels: Fourth Outfielder Willing to Play for Free
We just landed the top free agent on the open market, Josh Hamilton. The problem was that we already had a lot of catchers, so we ended up trading one away. But our current fourth outfielder is largely overpaid and we need to address the situation now. If you can put up similar numbers to that of Vernon Wells and are willing to play for close to no money at all, give us a call. However, don’t expect a big extension if you succeed, because we’re not falling for that one again.
Oakland Athletics: Clean Starting Pitcher
We respect Bartolo Colon, but he has to lay off the steroids. The Oakland Athletics are all about having fun and being the underdogs, but we do it in a clean way. We don’t cheat our opponents and we hope that they don’t cheat us. We’re looking to add a starting pitcher who scoffs at the thought of taking performance-enhancing drugs. We sign players because we want them to play for us, not because we want them to sit on the bench, waiting out their suspensions.
Seattle Mariners: Offensive-Minded Shortstop
Our current shortstop, Brendan Ryan, is one of the best shortstops in baseball. But it’s not for his offensive game. It’s because he’s a defensive mastermind. In fact, he’s actually pretty bad on offense. So the Seattle Mariners are hoping to find a shortstop with the opposite mindset. We don’t care if you’re going to commit a lot of errors as long as your offensive game makes up for it. If you think you have what it takes to be the everyday shortstop in Seattle, send us your resume and a few references.
Texas Rangers: Star Outfielder to Replace MVP
So here’s our story. We used to employ one of the top players in baseball before he bolted this past offseason for our division rival. We didn’t care for that one bit. We lost a ton of offense that we’re having a hard time figuring out how to make up. We’re asking you if you are skilled enough to take the place of one of baseball’s best. All applicants must have earned MVP votes at least once in their career to get consideration for the full-time position.
Atlanta Braves: Hall-of-Fame-Worthy Third Baseman
Our Hall of Fame third baseman has come and gone, and now we need someone worthy of replacing him. It’s never easy to replace a player like Chipper Jones, but someone has to do it. Is that someone you? We have a few players we’re looking at to fill in at the hot corner, but we aren’t very satisfied. If you can play stellar defense and make an impact in the batting order, we want to hear from you. At least six years of experience is required, and references will be checked.
Miami Marlins: Owner Who Likes to Win
We, the fans of the Miami Marlins, are sick and tired of our owner. He just doesn’t want to win and is doing everything in his power to make sure we finish at the bottom of Major League Baseball. This offseason, he traded away basically everyone we had and made our star slugger basically hate us. We’re willing to do whatever it takes to get him out of his chair. If you have a bunch of money lying around and want to buy a baseball team, let us know and we’ll help get the ball rolling.
New York Mets: Cheap, Veteran Starting Outfielder
If you’re a free agent who has a draft pick attached to you, sorry, but we’re all set. Thanks to a dumb rule, we’ll have to forfeit a first-round pick if we sign someone who turned down a qualifying offer. We also don’t want to pay a lot to fill our holes, so if you’re an outfielder who has good experience and doesn’t want a ton of money, you’re our guy. We haven’t had the best of luck with outfielders and are now stuck with a bunch of under-seasoned youngsters.
Philadelphia Phillies: Catcher with Star Potential
The Philadelphia Phillies aren’t going to settle for third place in the NL East or worse. We’re a team determined to come out on top of the division, but in order to do so, we need a better catcher. We haven’t had a “star” catcher in quite some time, but we desperately need one if we’re going to contend this season. If you’ve ever been to the All-Star Game or received MVP votes, you’re probably what we’re looking for. We have the money to spend, but we want to spend it wisely. You will not get a monster deal from us if you’re over the age of 34.
Washington Nationals: On-Call Starting Pitcher
One of our top starting pitchers has been recently linked to performance-enhancing drugs and we don’t want to take any chances. Just in case Major League Baseball takes action against him, the Washington Nationals want to be ready with a solid backup. If you can help the Nationals get back to the postseason in 2013 and don’t mind sitting on the bench or pitching out of the bullpen if his name is cleared, give us a call. Previous experience in a contender’s starting rotation is preferred, but not required.
Chicago Cubs: World Series-Caliber 25-Man Roster
Over the last couple of years, the Chicago Cubs have had a tough time putting together a roster that is World Series-worthy, or better yet, playoff-worthy. The roster has lacked skill, depth and experience. Now, we’re looking to make up for all of the years we haven’t won a World Series, which is an incredibly long time. We own the longest drought in the sport and hope to change that in 2013 with a roster full of stars. If you’re a star, or know of one, please contact us immediately. We need your help.
Cincinnati Reds: Weight-Loss Trainer Willing to Help Closer
The Cincinnati Reds have a bit of an issue with the closer role. Our closer, Jonathan Broxton, is very overweight. And by very, we mean very. Our former closer, Aroldis Chapman, was skinny as can be, but he’s moving on to our starting rotation now. We need someone who can help Jonathan lose a few pounds to help preserve his career in Cincinnati and potentially extend his life. Previous experience as a personal trainer is expected and references will be checked.
Milwaukee Brewers: Star Who Hasn’t Been Linked to PEDs
The Milwaukee Brewers employ one of the top players in the game in Ryan Braun. The problem with Braun is that he’s constantly in the news as he’s been linked to performance-enhancing drugs a couple of times. He beat the allegations last time, but this time around, we’ve had enough. Even if the more recent allegations are false, we can no longer employ someone who is always getting questioned. It doesn’t look good for our organization. If you’re a star who is absolutely clean, send us your resume.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Starting Pitcher Who Hates Christmas
With the hopes of improving our starting rotation this offseason, we, the Pittsburgh Pirates, signed a left-handed veteran. Unfortunately, it was brought to our attention that he had a broken arm due to an incident on Christmas where he was trying to prank his children. It now seems unlikely that he pitches for us in 2013, so we’re looking for another starting pitcher who doesn’t like Santa Claus. If you are in the holiday spirit time after time, please save yourself the trouble of applying.
St. Louis Cardinals: Starting Pitcher with Feeling in Arm
Chris Carpenter is one of the best players the St. Louis Cardinals have ever had, but he’s having some health issues. Carpenter probably won’t pitch in 2013 after experiencing numbness in his throwing arm, making it virtually impossible to throw the ball. We’re looking for someone who can replace him and who has a normal amount of feeling his pitching arm. Applicants must have at least three years in a starting rotation and have won 15 games in a season before.
Arizona Diamondbacks: General Manager with a Brain
Our current general manager isn’t the smart kid on the block. We had a star in the making and a potential MVP candidate, but our GM didn’t think he was ever going to be that good. Basically, he tried to trade him, failed, and then was forced to deal him. We would like to find a new GM who will listen to the opinions of those in baseball operations instead of just what’s running through his crazy head. A graduate degree from an Ivy League school is preferred. Experience in a front office is required.
Colorado Rockies: Starting Pitcher with Talent
Are you a starting pitcher? Do you have talent? Then the Colorado Rockies suggest you send in your resume for consideration. For the past couple of seasons, our starting rotation has lacked talent. We’ve had pitchers who just stink year after year and are finally tired of losing. We need pitchers capable of posting sub-4.00 ERAs who can win an average of 14 games per season. If you’ve never posted those types of numbers, please refrain from applying, as we don’t want you.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Left Fielder with Throwing Arm
Late last season, the Los Angeles Dodgers took on a lot of payroll in order to try to improve for the future, acquiring a handful of stars in the process. One of those stars was Carl Crawford, who could end up being the starting left fielder if he’s finally healthy. Crawford has had issues with his throwing arm for a while now and we’re looking for a backup plan just in case things don’t go so well in spring training. A healthy throwing arm is required and you must be able to play left field and hit atop our lineup as well.
San Diego Padres: Chase Headley Replica
The San Diego Padres are proud to call Chase Headley the best player in the organization and are looking to add a player with a near-identical skill set. We are accepting applications for any position, except third base, for those who feel they can replicate the production Headley has each season. Extensive experience is not required, but is preferred. Applicants must be able to post MVP-caliber numbers year in and year out in order to be considered.
San Francisco Giants: Closer with Gross Beard
We in San Francisco love our facial hair. Our organization used to employ a closer with a phenomenal beard that drew a ton of attention. Our current closer also has an impressive beard, but we know that we can find a reliever with an even better one. If you can throw a fastball above 90 mph and love to show off your one-of-a-kind beard, contact us immediately. We’ll basically give the closer job to anyone who can pull off a hairy chin.