The Real World: Draft Lobby

The spoiler. The guy who leads the league in ties; who has not a discernibly good player on his team yet manages to inexplicably take down powerhouses. It’s like how in the end of “Rookie of the Year” the Cubs squeeze out three outs by trick plays and rulebook loopholes (instead of just putting in a different closer, which I’ll never understand, but that’s a different issue altogether).

I hate Dan Uggla. Yes, I may base this entirely on his 2008 All-Star Game complete ineptness, but I don’t care. And yet I still picked him up. Because for some reason, he manages to serve up some weird helpings of competitive play.

9. Sleeping Beauty, Waking Ugly

First Round Pick: Matt Wieters

Will Matt Wieters, David Price, and Trevor Cahill still be available in the 18th rounds? Of course. But the SBWU wants something more than the players—he wants everyone to know he isn’t just picking them up as a casual later-round move.

He wants to stake his claim in their potential successes, so if and when Wieters lands on the cover of ESPN in late July (“the best catcher in baseball you’ve never heard of”), touting him as the “sleeper” pick of the year, the SBWU can use the coveted phrase, “I was the first one to know this kid would be awesome.”

(This guy’s the best—the first few weeks of the season, every player on his roster has a red “N/A” next to their names.)

10. The A** hole Who Refuses to Trade

First Round Pick: Mark Teixiera

He hates the Yankees. He also somehow has Albert Pujols. You somehow have Utley and Pedroia. In theory, it would make sense to give him one of your 2B, take one of his 1B.

But he patently refuses every trade you offer—even after you’ve slaved over creating the absolute most appealing trade package. There’s a certain sense of satisfaction from crafting a proposal that you feel meets all parties’ needs. And there’s also a certain sense of contempt when you receive, within minutes of submitting the offer, “TRADE DECLINED.” No counteroffer. No nothing.

For some reason, the rest of the league refuses to trade with me or my sister. They’re perfectly comfortable with offering us transactions like “Damaso Marte and Rod Barajas for Ian Kinsler.” Last year, I got harassed on a daily basis with offers for Brandon Phillips, in exchange for players who were categorically destined to be dropped to waivers the next day.

Finally, my sister said, “Fine, if they won’t trade with us, we’ll just trade with each other. Give me Brandon Phillips. And I’ll give you Jeter and Santana, and then bench Phillips just to annoy the guy who keeps offering you the BS deals for Phillips.”

Yeah, this is probably why girls aren’t allowed in leagues.

11. The Bleeding Heart Loyalist

First Round Pick: Oliver Perez

I guess it’s not a bad strategy. It eliminates the conflict-of-interest dilemmas intrinsic to the fantasy system. If you draft everyone on the Mets, (and you’re a Mets fan), you get to root for your team all the time. Plus, you don’t have to worry about getting the MLB Extra Innings package to stay on top of all the other games, since you’re just watching your local team station, anyway.

The only problem is this doesn’t yield the most desirable dividends if you’re a Mets fan (especially since you lost out on getting K-Rod when you picked OP first).

* * *

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”—Dr. Seuss

And with the key players of every league in place, the season thus begins. The staggered smack-talks. The harmless and not-so-harmless diatribes outlined in Power Rankings.

Dramatic trades that are conducted with the same gravity as if they were government-sanctioned foreign resource exchanges. Alliances and collusion. And most importantly, the collective suspension of disbelief.

The common thread among all stock players in all leagues is the unwavering understanding that none of us is insane for mistaking this all for reality.

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