The Real World: Draft Lobby

But this character also usually hands us one of the most entertaining nuance of the season--the discernible shift in dynamic in the draft day chat room. You’re comfortably entrenched in some kind of inappropriate/off-color discussion with the rest of your league--the transcripts of which probably would amount to mandatory jail time in some states--when you remember there’s a new guy in the chatroom that no one knows anything about, least of all how much latitude his sense of humor (or lack thereof) would afford us...

“Hey, Dan’s friend from soccer, sorry about that. We seriously don’t really think all those things about 2-headed Siamese twins. Just kidding around. Hey, great pick with Billingsley, by the way!”

4. Stat freak

First Round Pick: Josh Hamilton

He’s spent the off-season preparing for this moment. His bedroom looks like a scene from “Beautiful Mind,” and he will disseminate a continual stream of player trivia, its actual consequence inversely proportional to the degree of authority he shares it, (ie, “Lester’s not a bad pick, just added a change-up which should make him pretty solid” vs “OUCH. Uh, dude? Horrible move. I’m sorry, but Zambrano lost 3 mph off his fastball this spring. Good luck, man.”)

He spits out stats throughout the draft so flatly and one-dimensionally that it’s almost reminiscent of a woman sideline reporter.

5. The Autodrafter

First Round Pick: Lance Berkman

If you can’t clear two hours to draft a team, then you have no business in the league. How can you expect to manage a team every day if that’s the kind of lack of commitment you evidence at the most fun part of the whole game?

My sister (see “The Chick”) didn’t take it lightly when we realized that a few rounds into the draft, her boyfriend (see “The Aggressive Commish”) was autodrafting. He was out with his buddies drinking, despite scheduling the draft for 10:00 on a Friday night.

So she did what any appalled manager would do if someone didn’t show up to the draft—she exploited her insider girlfriend knowledge, logged onto his Yahoo account, and drafted Heilman, Guittierez, and Roger Clemons.

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