"After being caught in his web of lies, the WWE Universe thought Paul Heyman would be wished the best in his future endeavors." No we didn't, Mr. Voice-Over Man. We're not stupid. Or at least, myself and anyone who reads my articles aren't.
CM Punk opened the show by coming out and insulting everyone in a way that makes me love him more, then Booker T came out to fluff his lines a bit and make people download a WWE app.
You know what would be funny? If Antonio Cesaro came out to "Real American." Less funny was his losing to Ryback, but it was surprisingly close in places, and I can't remember the last time we saw Ryback in straight singles action.
Jack Swagger exorcised the memory of his terrible early 2012 mistreatment by making short work of Santino Marella. You may recall Swagger lost the U.S. Championship to Santino, who then proceeded to hold it for a despicably long time until Antonio Cesaro finally gave the belt back some dignity.
Daniel Bryan, who has looked consistently weak of late, was afforded a great victory over Rey Mysterio. Following that, I completely marked out as Mark Henry, the greatest World Heavyweight champion of all time (now that Chris Benoit has ceased to exist), finally returned.
Sheamus vs. Kane was shaping up to be a bit of a thriller, but you'd have to be a fool to expect a result like that to be given away on TV. One of the reasons I rated Kane's chances of winning the Rumble as quite high (depending on the result of the earlier Tag Team Championship match) was that Kane hasn't cleanly lost a singles match since as far back as I can remember.
If we exclude no-disqualification-type stipulations such as his Extreme Rules match with Orton or the Ambulance match with Cena, I'm fairly sure we'd have to go back to him being bald and maskless. If you remember a time, let me know in the comments.
The WWE App Universe made the right choice and voted to have CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho. The match was brilliant and had a sense of uncertainty to it due to CM Punk being portrayed so weak recently and the fact that neither man could really afford the loss. As much as I don't like seeing Y2J lose, at least it gives some credibility back to CM Punk.
Raw ended with John Cena, Ryback and Sheamus attacking The Shield. How exciting this angle continues not to be.
Raw was a surprisingly decent show considering how monumentally awful it was last week. It wasn't up to the quality of the episodes that started the year, but it was good enough, at least.