Cottage Industry: December 15
Happy belated Hanukkah, Bleacher Creatures. How bout a warm baruch habah to the Industry s new Jewish Affairs coordinator, Mahmoud Ahmadinmejad.
Plausible Deniability, I: In Tehran this week, a group of international Holocaust deniers gathered at a conference sponsored by Ahmadinmejad s anti-Zionist regime. The Iranian leader has long been an outspoken skeptic on the subject of the Holocaust, asserting that stories of gas chambers and mass killings were propagated by the Zionist movement as a pretense for the formation of Israel in 1948. Ahmadinmejad is also on record claiming that Sandy Koufax s fastball was mediocre at best.
Plausible Deniability, I.i: And that Koufax was a dirty, dirty kike.
Plausible Deniability, I.ii: Like you didn t see that one coming.
Plausible Deniability, II: The Tehran gathering featured what could only be called an unlikely assortment of ad hoc colleagues. Among the invitees were Hezbollah founder Ali Akbar Mohtashamipour, Ku Klux Klan veteran David Duke, and disgraced Tour de France champion Floyd Landis, who denied denying that he would every deny the deniability of the Holocaust.
Plausible Deniability, II.i: When pressed to clarify his comments, Landis denied having made them in the first place.
Plausible Deniability, II.ii: Floyd Landis jokes, ladies and gentleman the gift that keeps on giving.
Plausible Deniability, II.ii.a: And don t even try to deny it.
Plausible Deniability, II.ii.a.1: It s too easy, isn t it?
Give me just a little more time...: Back in Washington, President Bush announced that he would wait until after Christmas to lay out his reformulated Iraq policy. Some White House insiders speculated that the watershed speech will be deferred until as late as January 8th of next year in order to accommodate the administration s new offensive strategy specialist, Urban Meyer.
Give me just a little more time...No Really: The President had initially intended to offer the post to Steve Spurrier, but the executive branch had already overrun its quota of self-righteous assholes.
Give me just a little more time...I ve Almost Got It: In a related development, Donald Rumsfeld fell short in his bid for the defensive coordinator position at the University of South Carolina.
Give me just a little more time...I m This Close: Because the only thing worse than a self-righteous asshole is an incompetent self-righteous asshole.
Give me just a little more time....Okay Maybe Not: Godspeed, Dandy Don. Godspeed.
Finally this week, on a more serious note: A fond farewell to Jose Uribe, a slick-fielding shortstop who spent most of his ten-year big league career with the San Francisco Giants. Uribe, whose reputation as a turner of 4-6-3 double plays was almost unparalleled, died last Friday in his native Dominican Republic when his sport utility vehicle ran off the road and struck a tree. Friends and family said it was the most solid contact the lifetime number-eight hitter had ever made.
And, for the record: Zing!
And that s about as good an ending as I got for you, Cottage Cheesers. Come around again next Friday, when we ll be baking Christmas brownies with Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals...
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