Worst-Case Scenarios for Each Team in Super Bowl XLVII
What's the worst that could happen?
We ask that question almost flippantly most of the time. Other times, it can be asked pessimistically. Yet, rarely is it ever asked realistically.
Usually, we either ignore the bad things that could happen or imagine what we think is the worst possible outcome and do our best to come to grips with it. But is it ever really the worst-case scenario?
Here's the worst-case scenario. It's a meteor headed for Earth, Celine Dion stuck on loop everywhere you go and "National Dress Like a Clown Day." Period.
With that in mind, on the eve of the Super Bowl, here are some worst-case scenarios for the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers. They probably won't all come true, but a boy can hope...
Ray Lewis Decides Not to Retire
Ray Lewis is introduced before the game and does his customary 24 minutes of dancing, prancing and general convulsing before a microphone inexplicably drops from the ceiling.
I didn't know I had this in me. I never could have dreamed that this season would have come to this. Now, now I can't imaging hanging it all up—not yet. Plus, I had my first bit of red meat in like 12 years last night and I feel great. I'm totally playing next year.
The Ravens lose by 40.
Colin Kaepernick Discovers Liquor
First off, how many pictures of Colin Kaepernick can't be captioned almost perfectly by: "Hey girl?" Less than 15 percent, if that.
Now, Kaepernick has some roots in Wisconsin, so he knows what beer is (if only a perfect braising liquid for bratwurst). Yet, the kid had Ivy League-type grades in high school and is legitimately one of the most clean-cut guys in the NFL.
So...maybe New Orleans isn't the ideal setting for the biggest game of Kaepernick's young career.
Even the prediction of what could happen here is a blur, but let's hope no Alabama fans are anywhere near him when he passes out following jello shots and multiple face tattoos.
Joe Flacco Goes Full Uncle Rico
How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?—Joe Flacco (not really).
First, how many pictures of Flacco can be captioned almost perfectly by "Hey, girl?" Is it like .01 percent? Is it even that much? Cause, it kinda works for this picture and I don't believe I'll be sleeping tonight.
Flacco gets tired of constantly being overlooked by Kaepernick in the lead-up to this game (also, always) and spends most of the first half trying to convince his teammates to stop asking the Niners quarterback to autograph their chests (note: that's mostly Bryant McKinnie).
The rest of the game is just Joe Cool trying to sling the ball as hard as he can to impress anyone who is still paying attention to him.
Wait...that's pretty much the Ravens' game plan most weeks.
Chris Culliver Placed on IR Before the Game with an Acute Case of the Cooties
Because, apparently those are a thing in Culliver's world.
On a side note, how much could that guy use Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? They never would've let him leave the house in that hat. On the flipside, maybe the large stocking cap helps hide the massive hole from the lobotomy he must've had causing him to say the idiotic things he said.
Terrell Suggs Has No Idea Where Colin Kaepernick Is
First 12 plays of the game, it happens like clockwork—Terrell Suggs rips off the line of scrimmage and then stands, bewildered, right where the pocket should be. Kaepernick, by that time, is scampering in full emu-like stride out on the perimeter.
Suggs just doesn't know what to do. "I didn't sign up for this ****," he would repeatedly be quoted as saying postgame. The Ravens still inexplicably give him three sacks, claiming, "He would've gotten them if that quarterback stayed where he was supposed to."
Jim Harbaugh's Parents Put John in Charge for the Day
Jim and John Harbaugh walk out to the middle of the field for what wouldn't be such an awkward moment if a certain family hugged out a few more of their problems back in the day, and John hands his younger brother a note written in their mother's handwriting.
Jim can't tell if it's weathered from time or just from being crumpled in his mother's purse next to the old lozenges, but it clearly says: "Jim, listen to your brother, we're putting him in charge for the evening."
It isn't ideal, but Jim dutifully listens as his brother instructs him not to blitz, pass or generally call plays that don't include the words "fake" and "punt."
Ray Rice Gets Left Behind
Settle down, Kirk Cameron, not talking to you...
Rice gets ready to board the team bus to the stadium when the team realizes it left his Baltimore Ravens-licensed booster seat up in the hotel room. By then, housekeeping has already cleaned the room and hilarity has ensued. That nasty old bus driver just won't let Rice onto the bus without a booster seat and a chaperone.
The team is forced to leave without him and Rice walks toward the stadium, being stopped every two minutes by police officers asking if he is all right and if his parents know he's out alone.
Alex Boone Joins a Biker Gang
A large biker gang pulls out of the hotel parking lot and Alex Boone's rhino-hawk ruffles ever so slightly in the breeze. He looks wistfully after them, a single tear falling from his cheek.
Boone tries to quell the urges deeper and deeper inside of him, but when the team bus pulls up to a stop light and the hogs are revving beside him, Boone picks up LaMichael James and throws him through the bus window before leaping down onto the hog of a 300-pound woman named "Earl."
Ray Lewis Has Some...Issues
At first, fans think it's just part of some sort of "halftime tribute to nature" crap, but as more and more deer crowd around the stadium and try to barge their way into the Ravens' dressing room, NFL security starts looking for answers.
"I have never taken any deer antler anything!" Ray Lewis shouts while licking a cube of salt.
The 49ers use the hubbub to quickly utilize their new Nike Pro Combat Camouflage jerseys, and Lewis spends the entire game wondering where the other team went, all while being chased by a 12-point buck.
Randy Moss Finally Talks to Some of His Teammates
With so much commotion about Moss' comments that he is the greatest receiver of all time, Michael Crabtree and Vernon Davis remember that he's on their team this year. They sit down next to him at the pregame team meal and introduce themselves.
Less than 20 minutes later, Crabtree is dressed head to toe in fur, Davis has had six kids out of wedlock, and they both refuse to play in any game until they get a new contract.
Moss, meanwhile, takes advantage of the situation to get a few extra targets to inflate his numbers. He finishes the game with one catch for four yards and names himself game MVP, even though the Ravens won by three touchdowns.
In the shadows, Terrell Owens nods approvingly.
Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and a member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff at The Go Route.