The Bluths Explain Football: The Jacksonville Jaguars' Season in Review
USA TODAY Sports
Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, a completely unnecessary series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.
The Bluths have been on hiatus during the regular season because there were actual games to discuss, but now they have returned with a vengeance.
Today's episodes are "Whistler's Mother" and "Not Without My Daughter." Let's see what it can teach us about the Jacksonville Jaguars' 2012 season.
When company money is unfrozen, Michael is inundated with requests from the family for cash. Among those wanting a handout is George Sr.'s twin brother Oscar, who sells Michael a worthless plot of land, meaning Lucille has to fix the situation.
In the second episode, Michael takes Maeby to work for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Lindsay gets a job, while Tobias, Gob and George Michael go to the mall.
The police begin to ask questions about Kitty's disappearance, while Buster gets jealous of Annyong's participation in soccer.
We're not going to burn through it like we did when Dad was in charge, with his bad investments and corrupt dealings.
It would be difficult to find a worse NFL general manager over the last four years than Gene Smith. From trading up to draft Blaine Gabbert to offering ridiculous free-agent contracts to a raft of mediocre players, Smith sank the Jaguars' franchise in every way possible.
By the time his reign of terror was over, the team had less talent than any roster in the league and only a handful of players who could start for other franchises.
I guess that's a response.
After a 1-3 start and two blowout losses at home, the Jaguars needed a win before the bye week. They were playing the Chicago Bears, and a victory would have saved the season and given fans a reason to believe the team could compete in the second half of the year.
They lost 41-3.
Maybe the worst bluff I've ever seen.
Maurice Jones-Drew engaged in one of the most ill-conceived holdouts in recent memory. Despite not having any leverage, he skipped the entire preseason, only to be forced to come crawling back to the team without having accomplished anything.
Smith made a lot of mistakes during his tenure but holding the line against Jones-Drew was one of his few successes.
Face it Lindsay, they've won.
One of the defining moments of the season came when Mike Mularkey named Chad Henne the starter just before the Jaguars found out they had lost Gabbert for the season.
Mularkey had wiggle room to claim it was because of injury, but instead went out of his way to make it clear that Gabbert had lost the starting job because he was playing poorly.
At that moment, the internal opinion of the coaching staff of Gabbert was made plain, and the few remaining Gabbert defenders had to accept that the quarterback may actually be part of the problem.
Oh, bless her. It's like she knew what I was going to do next.
Teams were so sure the Jags couldn't throw deep that they routinely moved the entire defense within 10 yards of the line of scrimmage. Safeties weren't always crowding the box, but they did move up to help flood the zone.
The big reason why is because the offensive line was a sieve. The Jaguars couldn't block and couldn't give any kind of time to whoever was under center . Gabbert made the issue worse by checking down to outlet receivers too quickly.
The Jaguars were so limited that teams had no trouble taking away the few routes they could successfully connect on.
Justin Blackmon's preseason DUI was a major buzz kill for Jags fans.
After he was drafted, fans stood up and cheered wildly, but it only took a couple of months for Blackmon to get in to trouble with the law, hold out and generally underperform for the first half of the season.
Blackmon had a strong second half of the season corresponding with Chad Henne's stint at quarterback, but many fans had already begun to question his route-running and effort.
Your ban on organized sports has been violated.
Mularkey preached endlessly about players not hurting the team and even rewarded those who didn't celebrate after touchdowns.
In a prime time game against the Colts, however, Mularkey himself picked up an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for a tirade against the officials after a correct call.
While some lauded his show of emotion, it was a moment of hypocrisy that reveal just how frustrated he was with the way things were breaking.
No, you were just a turd out there. You couldn't kick and you couldn't run. You know, you were just...a turd.
This one goes out to Gabbert for having the worst YPA in the NFL among qualified quarterbacks.
Honestly, you knew that was coming the moment you read the quote. It should be embroidered on a doily and hung above his locker.
Say what you want about America, 13 bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice.
If there was one bright spot for the Jaguars it was the emergence of Cecil Shorts. The former fourth-round choice really paid off, nearly becoming the first 1,000-yard receiver for the franchise in years.
Unfortunately, head injuries cut short his season, but for a team short on bargain contracts, Shorts was a beacon of hope.
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