Kyle Orton-Randy Orton: Tale of the Tape

Adam ReifmanCorrespondent IApril 7, 2017

Behold, the Age of Orton is upon us.  Well, in Denver and Houston, at least.  

The sports world is ablaze with debate and discussion over the Broncos' recent acquisition of QB Kyle Orton, who brought three draft picks(first, third, first in 2010) with him in return for disgruntled gunslinger Jay Cutler, who unfortunately didn't show up with the fifth round pick he was supposed to bring from Denver. 

Reports say the airplane stewardess threw it out while Jay was sleeping, probably mistaking it for garbage.

Meanwhile, in the world of pre-determined outcomes, WWE superstar Randy Orton is preparing to challenge Triple H for the prestigious WWE Championship at Wrestlemania 25.

If Randy emerges victorious this Sunday night, I've decided that his first title defense should come against none other than his namesake, Kyle. 

What would happen if these two actually met in the ring, or on the gridiron? Let's look at the stats.

                                          Kyle                                                        Randy

  Birthdate:                   Nov. 14, 1982                                            April 1, 1980

  Hometown:                 Altoona, Iowa                                           Knoxville, Tenn

  Height:                           6'4"                                                          6'4"

  Weight:                         214 lbs                                                     245 lbs

  Championships:                0                                                           Three

  Also known as:             Neckbeard                                             The Legend Killer

  Salary:                         $2,800,000                                             $711,000

  Works closely with:       Men in tights                                           Men in tights

  Specialty:                    WCO(West Coast Offense)                         RKO

  Throws:                       Hook routes                                             Right hooks

  Current opponent:        Chris Simms                                            Triple H

  Always studying:          The Playbook                                           The Script

  Often covered with:      D-Linemen                                               Baby Oil

  Fired famously?      Traded after solid year                        Dishonorably discharged

                               as starter for better QB                            from Marine Corps

  The Punt?                How he finishes drives                       How he finishes matches

So who has the edge in this epic battle?  Sure, Randy gets to beat people up for a living, and Kyle is usually the one taking the beating, but the baby oil and the pre-written storylines steal some legitimacy from Randy.  

On the other hand, have you ever seen Chris Simms deliver the Pedigree?  Exactly,  because the secret to a successful Pedigree is a fully-functioning spleen.  Who knew?

In truth, it takes a lot of guts to be hated, but it's much easier when you're trying to be hated.  So even though Cowboy Bob's boy holds the advantage in world championships, I'm giving this one to...

Kyle Orton!  However, if Randy picks up the belt this Sunday at Wrestlemania, it may take a Super Bowl run by Kyle to keep the top spot.  Either that or a few more inches on that manly beard.


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