The Bluths Explain Football: The Houston Texans' Season in Review

Nate Dunlevy@NateDunlevyGuest ColumnistJanuary 24, 2013

A salute to Arrested Development and Watt.
A salute to Arrested Development and Watt.Bob Levey/Getty Images

Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, a completely unnecessary series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.

The Bluths have been on hiatus during the regular season because there were actual games to discuss, but now they have returned with a vengeance.

Today's episode is "Justice is Blind." Let's see what it can teach us about the Houston Texans' 2012 season.


Plot Summary

Michael confesses to Maggie that he is not, in fact, Chareth Cutestory, but a member of the Bluth family. Later he discovers that she can see, but her seeing-eye-dog is blind.

George Michael tries to find a way to expose Maeby's scam, while Gob enlists Tobias to steal evidence from Maggie's house. Buster tries to turn state's evidence against the family in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches.


I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation. That way everyone gets really sad before prom.


Perhaps no single quote better summarizes the 2012 Texans than this line. Maeby built a false identity to elicit sympathy and money from her classmates, but planned on killing it off just to torture them.

It's hard not to see the obvious comparisons to the Texans. They played like a super team for 12 weeks before crashing just before the playoffs.

By the time the big dance rolled around, they were already on life support. All it took was Tom Brady to pull the plug.


Not a lot of kids have B.S. these days.

What's that stand for?

I'd know. It's B.S.

-Maeby and George Michael

The 2011 Texans had a rash of high-profile injuries that took down their legitimate title hopes. The 2012 Texans had only one obvious injury. Losing Brian Cushing was a blow, but it was the quiet hurts that sunk the season.

Johnathan Joseph battled a pair of leg injuries all season, but played through them. The problem is that he didn't always play very well.

It's easy to forget about how much injuries diminish players who don't miss games. Joseph was out on the field more often than not, but he simply was not as effective as he was early in the year and in 2011.

It's not B.S. to say that when he started limping, the Texans started their decline.


I'm the idiot in charge.


Before the season, I wrote that it was a mistake to re-up Gary Kubiak.

Angry fans accused me of being "bias" against the Texans.

Now many of the same are lining up with pitchforks and torches to try to drive Kubiak out of Houston.

It's not going to happen. The Texans made their bed with Kubiak. He's the coach for the foreseeable future.


I guess we're going to have to go our separate ways and agree never to speak about this again.


Connor Barwin did not have the finest contract year in league history. A big part of the Texans' struggles to generate pass rush came because Barwin was ineffective.

His sacks and pressures dropped off dramatically. Now he's a free agent, and the Texans likely don't have the cash to bring him back.


Let's just assume that this will happen again sometime.


J.J. Watt was better than people realize. Yes, he got more attention than any other Texan and will win Defensive Player of the Year.

And still, I say he was better than people realize.

If they remade Tecmo Bowl in 2013, Watt's avatar would be a combination of Lawrence Taylor an Bo Jackson. He was unblockable, unstoppable for most of the year.

While there's almost no chance Watt has another season quite as dominating as 2012 in him, he's going to be force for a long time.


The Cat is in!


The season started to hit the skids with a surprisingly close win over the Jaguars followed by a overtime win over the Lions.

Both games revealed cracks in the vaunted Houston defense that turned into gaping maws by the time the postseason rolled around.


Mr. Bluth, Justice is blind!


If this doesn't describe the Thanksgiving touchdown that wasn't, nothing does.

The Texans benefited from a bogus call thanks to the foolish challenge of Detroit Lions coach Jim Schwartz.


It's merely a cloaking agent from a sadly blunderous afternoon.


The Texans got a playoff win this year. For as much yammering as people do about the importance of playoff wins, it's easy to forget this happened.

Of course, the uninspiring victory over a mediocre Bengals team didn't solve any problems. It was Matt Schaub's first playoff win, but in the end said nothing meaningful about him as a player.

The Texans played poorly, barely won and got run by New England the next week.


That was my plan. What do you got?


The idea before the season was that by re-signing Schaub, the Texans were committing to staying the course for the long run. That looked like a great plan for three-quarters of the year.

No one knows what's wrong with Schaub, but it's clear something is. Now Houston is committed to having him on the roster for at least two more seasons.


We were starting to establish some trust. Except for all the lies.

-Maggie Lizer

On second thought, maybe this is the quote that best defines 2012.

Either way.


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