For the true American sports fan, there’s no month like October. Something for every taste and budget, as it were.
I’ve consulted the Stroh’s Light all-sports calendar, and have laid out what any right-thinking person would consider the Ultimate Sports Geek’s Fantasy Tour. Let’s get it on.
The month starts, obviously, with the Asian PGA’s Korean Open in beautiful Cheonan, South Korea. A mere stone’s throw from the DMZ, and well within range of all the known missiles in ol’ Kim Jong-il’s considerable arsenal. When they tell you to “keep your head down” at the Korean Open, they’re not worried about topping the ball!
From Seoul, we jet off to Paris, where we face a dilemma. We must choose between the Superbike World Championship motorcycle race at Magny-Cours, or horse racing at the Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe in Paris. Can’t really lose either way, especially with all the bodacious jeunes filles whoring around. Voulez-vous and all that. And if we happen to see one of the races, all the better!
From Oct. 8-11 we have a dizzying array of choices. The skinny little golfers are on their way to New Delhi for the Indian Open. Stateside, you’ve got your NHRA Virginia Nationals in Richmond—always a good time.
If you’re feeling particularly buff, you could zip on over to Kona, Hawaii for the Ironman Triathlon. Or, if you’d prefer to take it easy, consider taking in the IAAF World Half Marathon Championships in Birmingham, England.
So many epic events, so little time.
The choices during the following week get even tougher, if you can imagine. How about getting your ass kicked by some 95 pound female midget at the World Gymnastics Championships in London?
Or, you could wake up in traction at the World Taekwondo Championships in Copenhagen. We could get a testosterone boost watching figure skating at the Trophee Eric Bompard Cachemire somewhere in France. Yes, I know, this is still October!
My choice—bicycle racing at the Tour of Lombardia in Italy. Nothing like bicycle racing without Lance Armstrong to get me all jacked up and feeling the need for a little Pellegrino. Where’s my Spandex?
From Italy, I’m jetting straight to Wales—where else?—for a little paint tradin’ at the FIA World Auto Rally.
If I’ve got the time, and my MasterCard isn’t totally swiped out, my next stop is one more visit with the skinny little golfers—God, I love those guys—at the Iskandar Johor Open in scenic Malaysia. Don’t drink the water, and don’t spit on the sidewalk, or you’re looking at some serious time in one of their not-so-scenic prisons. Don’t whistle the theme to Bridge Over the River Kwai, either—they don’t find that funny.
My plan is to finish up the ultimate sports tour by taking in a little more figure skating—you knew it was coming, didn’t you?—at the Cup of Russia in beautifully gangsterized Moscow.
I figure to get rid of the ensuing hangover by entering the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, D.C. Last stop—tennis, my personal fave, at the Sony Ericsson Championships in lovely downtown Doha, Qatar.
Perhaps some of you are wondering, like, what about team sports? You got anything going on that involves cheerleaders, steroids, illiterate 20-year old men, or corked bats? Not too much in October, actually, other than NCAA and NFL football, MLB playoffs and the World Series, the ramp-up to NCAA and NBA hoops, four PGA events, and four NASCAR events. Unless you like stuff like that.
October—without question, the greatest sports month of the year. BE THERE!