We’re less than three weeks away from the quest for the best, and most interactive, trophy in sport.

Three weeks from the most competitive pro playoffs top to bottom. 

Three weeks from playoff beards, edge-of-your-seat penalty kills, some euro goalie catching fire, and sudden-death overtime not decided by a coinflip.

(Keep trying to justify that as ‘fair’ football, NFL.)
 
In short, hockey playoffs are about to start—and the travesty is not so much that no one knows, but why no one knows (or cares).
 
The reason/fault/blame all can be summed up in four words:  The Count, Gary Bettman.
 

 
This assclown has single-handedly done more to ruin the great sport of hockey than Yoko did to the Beatles.
 
Where do we begin? From blindly pouring money into bad business model / non-hockey fanbases (see Phoenix, Florida), to mismanaging hockey’s TV deal, to his asinine schedule that only this year seemingly remembered that the Original Six existed.  (Yeah, those franchises aren’t important.)  

Gary von Gary continues to misstep and make what was the fourth major into a fringe sport.  
 
For those of us that remember his hire, keep in mind this jackass was supposedly some marketing guru from the gold-standard NBA?  Is that a joke?

Cue laughter.  The count isn’t even as good as Charlie Weis to D-Stern’s Hoodie.  What’s worse, not only is he a bad business man AND salesman, this dude doesn’t even like/know hockey?

Uh, five minutes for cluelessnes Gary.  We hockey fans got shafted. 
 
Let’s just quickly recap some of the Count’s ‘brilliant’ marketing gems:

 
1.  He’s on VS. 

Spare me the argument that VS’ brand recognition is up from 16 to 60.  Great.   So now instead of three people watching channel 298, 13 people watch.

If you’re not on ESPN (or related in some way), you don’t exist in mainstream sports media. How often does the four-letter lead with hockey?  Shit, Ovi could beat all five guys, stop a purse snatching in row three, cure cancer, catch Bin Laden, make a ridiculous move to score a game winner and maybe, maybe he’s No. 9 on top plays of the day.  

Poker reruns beat VS. reruns!  The Count should have crawled to the Worldwide Leader and begged for a new deal.   Hell, pay them.  At least you’d have relevance within the sports community.

 
2.  Winter Classic

How do you ruin a great idea like this?  Hmmm, let me ask Gary.  

How about this?  Play it in Wrigley, and then don’t capitalize on any of it.  Have Costas there with his indifferent about hockey attitude.  Let NBC make it a baseball story with hockey, rather than a hockey story in a baseball park.  Don’t spend the 30 bucks to erect towers in the outfield (you know the towers they have at every B-level golf tourney), to show the crowd at the game.

No, all that would be stupid. Let’s shoot it like a baseball game, with bad angles, and show the empty field behind it, so instead of a marquee game, it looks like a first-round qualifier for the Olympics.  Swing and a miss, moron.

 
3. Sydney Crosby

I like the kid, the kid is a great talent.  But I don’t like how much of a wuss crybaby he’s teetering on becoming.  This just in to Gary von Gary:  just because you’ve deemed Syd the league’s "savior" doesn’t mean he’s the only star you promote.  

Hell, he’s not even the best player on his team this year.  Where are Chara, Pasha, Lindstrom, Ovi, or Malkin? Somehow the NBA, MLB, and NFL manage to promote more than one star.  But not hockey. 

"How? That would take making more than one media kit," claimed a source close to Gary.

 
4. Sean Avery

Bettman completely mishandled this story.  Avery is a moron, and a marginal player who has his moments.  But Gary kept this story alive.

 An immediate indefinite suspension for blasting an ex-girlfriend?  Uh, what?  Guy get tomahawk chopped across the bucket, and the league reviews the tape and meets in private, but Avery was the story Gary made national?  What’s wrong with this guy?

5. Clusterfucking the Yankees of the NHL

Love them or hate them, the Detroit Red Wings are the Yankees of hockey.  They transcend their sport, they travel well, and they are a cornerstone franchise of sports (not just the league).

Hmmm...Gary, you might want to market them a little. Did you know Detroit hasn’t played in the #1 media market in three years?  Three?!  If only New York had the Rangers, Islanders, or Devils.  

Also, coming off the Cup win last year, the defending champs had the Conn Smythe winner, Norris winner, Lady Bing, and a team full of Swedes superstars. Guess who Gary didn’t pick to kick off the season in Sweden.  Are you shitting me?  

6. Scheduling

Hey remember when Chicago used to play Boston in an Original Six matchup?  How about St Louis in Philly?  Detroit at Montreal? 

Well, Gary didn’t think tradition was good for hockey, so he kluged the sked, and now we have Nashville-Columbus 35 times a year.  Even baseball understands interleague play is great for fan variety.

 
7. Coverage

Eddie Shore was playing PS hockey this weekend with his nephew. (No comment on who won—I have a job and all he ‘does’ is play that freakin' game!)

But I noticed how they shoot OTS in the video game.  You know, so you can see the whole play develop and keep an eye on the puck.   Hmmm...I wonder if hockey on TV could benefit from that?  If only the technology existed to put a camera over the field of play.  

I’ll have to ask Gary to check with the NBA and NFL to see when that technology will be available.
 
 
How can this guy walk around with a straight face and say he’s knows marketing, when the NHL can ‘never’ get in the news for it’s stars, games, or level of skill?? 
 
Check this out: Do a google search on the four (ahem, all apologies NASCAR and college football) commissioners of the traditional four sports.  Here’s what Eddie Shore got:
 
March 25:  David Stern talks up Jazz/Bulls in London.
March 25:  Roger Goodell talks about extended season.
March 30:  Bud Selig discusses new Oakland A’s stadium.
Firebettman.com: A website devoted to shitcanning the worst commish ever.
 
As a fan, I both love and hate that.  Love: It’s accurate. Hate: How easy the Count makes it to make his ineptitude the story instead of a great game.
 
Gary, do every hockey fan a favor.  Take a long skate, off a short pier.  A blind monkey could run this sport better.

For more Eddie Shore, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (real guys holding sports accountable), or if you hate the WNBA, trywww.dbbsports.com.