WrestleMania 25 User's Guide

(Photo by Jeff Gentner/Getty Images)

This weekend I’ll be in Houston for WrestleMania 25, a fact I view as an accomplishment and I value it much more than my wedding day or birth of my first child (just to be clear, neither of those things have happened, so I’m lying—kind of).

The card for the 25th anniversary is pretty stacked from bottom to top and should prove to be the best Mania in recent memory. (Gorilla Monsoon says it will prove to be the greatest wrestling extravaganza of all time, by the way).

In an attempt to get you and me ready for the event, I’m going to play the role of Vince McMahon and tell you, my employees at this board meeting, what’s going to happen at the show and in what order. I’m Vince McMahon, DAMMIT! The results will be compared to reality next Monday.

I assure you what follows is the work of me and me alone. Pictures courtesy of wwe.com.

Match 1: Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy, Extreme Rules

Ahh yes, a good old fashioned brother versus brother encounter. This edition pits the Josh Hamilton of the WWE, Jeff Hardy, against real-life brother Matt. Jeff is the punk-rock baby face while Matt is the overzealous nuisance that is big brother.

Big brother turned against little brother at the Royal Rumble and cost Jeff the WWE Title. Since then, he’s made things personal, bringing up Jeff’s past...a past which includes real-life drug problems and a home that burned to the ground. HE EVEN MADE FUN OF HIS DEAD DOG!

Like the epic Bret Hart/Owen Hart clash at WrestleMania X, the Hardys will open up the show and leave 70,000 hooligans in awe. And like the Kane/Undertaker battle at WrestleMania 14, there will be casualties—at least according to Jim Ross.

Outcome

Matt Hardy gets the win to the chagrin of those in attendance after a returning Mr. Kennedy attacks Jeff. We later learn that Kennedy was the “guy with the blond hair” who attacked Jeff Hardy at his hotel right before Survivor Series. Matt Hardy is your winner regardless of the Mr. Kennedy prediction

Match 2: Intercontinental Champion JBL vs. Rey Mysterio

JBL is the modern day combination of the Honky Tonk Man and Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase, a most hated heel with limited wrestling skills at this stage of his career.

Rey Mysterio is one of the biggest baby faces in WWE and a loss here would completely piss off the crowd, which is one reason JBL retaining the IC strap is a hilarious possibility. It also allows for Mysterio to chase JBL with the title at the following pay per views.

Outcome

JBL retains his title by hook or crook, but Mysterio keeps the house happy with a post-match 619.

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