Eldrick hadn’t even retrieved the ball out of the clown's mouth, after winning Bay Hill (for the sixth freakin' time!!), when the haters were already starting up with the argument: So what? Golf isn’t a sport. 
 
It seems like we hear this argument every couple to three months. What qualifies as a sport, and what doesn’t? Since Eddie Shore’s NCAA bracket is a clusterfuck (thanks for nothing Memphis and Wake), ES decided he’d settle that argument, once and for all.
 
First off, there are no universal one-off criteria for sporthood. Hence the fundamental flaw in previous debates on the topic. The test needs to be more robust.
 
Hence, Eddie Shore created the following comprehensive* list of parameters. Every event ever will qualify in one or two, and fail in at least one of them. ES has utilized a scientific method** to determine that if you answer yes to at least 7 of the following, congratulations, you’re a sport.  


* As many as I could come up with before the deadline.
**I ballparked it, plus that’s like a C-, which is barely passing.

 
Is It on TV?

In today’s world, just because you’re on TV doesn’t mean anything.  ESPN televises darts, the WNBA, and poker. Just because there is a studio show for your "sport," doesn’t mean your "sport" deserves a studio show.

That being said, if you’re not on TV, your chance at sporthood takes a serious ding. Ping Pong is great when you’re drunk, or when you’re 11, or when you want to laugh at the ping pong guy from this site’s video http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/, but it’s never televised for a reason. Even hockey got on VS.

Are You in Shape, and Do You Sweat?

Playing sports means you actually have to move.  If you are in good shape and don’t routinely sweat, you’re not a sport. Yes there’s an intellectual side to chess. But you can play that in a coma. Yes, people sweat playing blackjack (but that’s probably due to obesity and the Luxor buffet). If you’re in shape, and your body still gets winded, you’re in good shape here.

Can You AND Will You, Bet on It?

From Vegas, to a bookie, to foreign websites and their dead pools, Eddie Shore knows you can bet on anything. The question isn’t can you bet, the question is, will you bet. I’m sure the WNBA has a line on it…somewhere. But 99 percent of guys know they’ll lose their man card permanently if they even jokingly utter the sentence "Give me the Liberty teased down to a pick’em."

 

You can’t do what they do

You might mock the worst pro golfer, Or laugh at the pro bowler and his little glove. But if you were out and had to put money on it, could you beat him? If no, put one in the sporthood column.

 

Is There Fan Interest?

NASCAR may be a 4.5 hour left turn to some. But when’s the last time 200,000 people camped out to watch you commute to work and fill up with gas? Eddie Shore’s niece plays soccer. Eddie Shore doesn’t even watch.

 

Do the Best in the World Make a Ton of Money?

Recently this site, http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/, mocked former NBA scrub Todd McCulloch for turning from hoops to a "Pro Pinball Player." Once you’re done laughing at him, think about this: prize money is like $30 bucks. OK, continue laughing now. Can’t have a sport, if you can’t get rich doing it. And no, porn, don’t even think about it.
 

Is There a Uniform and/or Dress Code?

I know you’re thinking horse racing has uniforms, so is it a sport? No, because the horses don’t dress up. Tennis players? Dress code. The major sports? Uniforms. Archery? Unless there’s a home and road quiver I don’t know about, this could hurt your chances.

Are the best players famous, and do they pull famous ass?

Do you think Tom Brady would have ever tagged a supermodel if he was on the professional backgammon circuit?
 

Illegal Drug Use Is Discouraged

Sorry wrestling and World's Strongest Man competitions. No one loves you oiled-up freaks bashing each other, the hot girls, or anyone named Magnus pulling a 767 (that’s normal) more than Eddie Shore. Freak? Yes. Sport: no way.

Is Their Draft Watchable?

NBA, barely, but I watch. I also check out the first pick of the NHL. And baseball barely eeks in. Memo to Lacrosse: the NFL draft ratings last year, outdrew your entire league’s history. That cannot feel good.
 
In short, soccer (barely), the WNBA (nope), golf (yes), poker (not a chance). Ping me if I forgot anything.

 
For more Eddie Shore, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (real guys holding sports accountable), or if you hate the WNBA, trywww.dbbsports.com <http://www.dbbsports.com> .