Folks, I'm not going to lie to you—I hate halftime shows.
I regularly use the bathroom, grab another beer and stuff my plate full of buffalo wings and potato chips while "Hot Young Pop Star X" is combined with "Old-School Rock Band Y" to play some terrible conglomeration of songs amidst an epilepsy-inducing laser show during the Super Bowl's halftime proceedings.
Or I go on Twitter to read some actual football analysis or join in the "Let's make fun of what's happening on our televisions right now" party.
So why should I expect the BCS championship's halftime show to be any different?
Well, it will have an actual marching band, for one. And not just any marching band, mind you—this is an all-star marching band comprised of some of the best musicians in the high school ranks.
The All Star Invitational Marching Band combines the skill of the country's best marching band students with the excitement of performing in front of nearly 80,000 fans. Each year, we bring together the most talented high school marching band performers to work with the biggest names in the marching profession and showcase their skills by performing at a prestigious national event. In 2013, through special arrangement we are proud to offer selected students the opportunity to perform on the biggest stage in college football—the BCS National Championship Game in South Florida!
According to the All Star Invitational site, the band will be led by Dr. Ken Dye (Director of Bands, Notre Dame), Barry Barnhardt (Director of Marching Bands, Florida International), Jim Hudson (Director of Athletic Bands, Arizona State), Norm Ruebling (Percussion Director) and Wes Cartwright (Colorguard Director, Broken Arrow High School).
All of this sounds pretty good. I can appreciate a solid marching-band performance. It's old school, it's simple and, generally, the directors and choreographers make these shows a lot of fun.
But, as you might have expected, there's a catch. As Carol Gifford of the Charlotte Observer writes, "The halftime show will have a Latin theme, and the band will perform with the Miami Sound Machine, Gloria Estefan's band."
The Miami Sound Machine? Really, guys? There is only one acceptable use of Gloria Estefan references during major events, and it involves Leslie Knope.
Let's not have this construed as me somehow dissing the show's Latin theme. I'm all for it. I'm only against incorporating Estefan's band into that theme.
There are limits, you guys.
I'm sure there will be other surprises in store, elaborate set pieces, interesting costumes and some fun dancing to boot. Or maybe I'm now envisioning a mini Olympics opening ceremony. Ack—too much pomp and circumstance! It's all blending in my mind!
I need wings and beer, stat!
Enjoy tonight's game and halftime show, folks. And for heaven's sake, please don't turn the beat around. I'm begging you.
Hit me up on Twitter—my tweets will not be turning the beat around. At least they better not be.