Will Work for Food

I just caught the new Snickers commercial.

You know, the one that features Patrick Ewing authoring an in-your-face slam dunk on some schlep who was too busy munching on a Snickers bar to realize that Ewing was on his way up.

Oh, did I mention that Ewing, who was dressed up in full basketball attire (tank, shorts, etc.) looked like he had just inhaled a dozen candy bars a day since he retired?

Why is it that most professional athletes put on the pounds after they retire?

I know that I've probably put on a good 15-20 since I graduated college, but that was 12 years ago, and I was never a professional athlete.

So, as a tribute to those who trained so hard to never look like us and yet ended up looking like us anyway, I present to you five ex-athletes who, for better or for worse, have retired from professional sports and have taken up eating as a hobby.

The Round Mound of Rebound

"Sir" Charles Barkley looks like he swallowed former teammate Manute Bol.

Easily the "Round Mound of Rebound" is really just a round mound now (say that 10 times fast).

So, Barkley has traded in his tanks and high-tops for a golf cart and a putter. And while he is a better-than-average golfer, his penchant for high-stakes gambling may prove to be his calling in retirement.

Oh, and did I mention that he also likes fast cars—and even faster women.

What a disaster.

Magic

Magic Johnson shocked the world in 1991 when he announced that he was HIV-positive.

Thankfully, in the 17-plus years that have since passed, Johnson has all but received a clean bill of health, thanks to being able to afford cutting-edge medical treatment.

Despite years of being a guinea pig for HIV meds, Johnson has managed to keep himself busy by apparently eating everything in sight.

Magic has easily packed on 60-70 pounds since his playing days.

Iron Mike

From Iron to mush.

Former Undispited Champion of the World, Iron Mike Tyson, looks like he hasn't turned down a meal since retiring from the ring a few years ago.

Complete with a "hang(s)over" - you know, his belly hang(s)over his belt, Tyson's many tattoos must be stretched to the max.

While I still wouldn't dare step into the ring with him, I'm sure that I can outrun him...and outwalk him.

Bo Knows

Bo Jackson was the most recognizable professional athlete for the better part of the 1980s. His chiseled physique adorned a timeless black-and-white Nike poster which depicted him wearing his shoulder pads and balancing a baseball bat behind his shoulders.

Sadly, those times have passed Jackson by.

I don't think that Jackson would do that poster spread today.

Then again, nor would I.

The Fridge

Ok. So, William Perry was a big dude when he played.

He's even bigger now.

I mean, this guy is the size of Barkley and Magic—combined.

"The Fridge" is known as much for his appetite as he is for scoring a touchdown in the Super Bowl back in 1985.

Did I mention he reportedly tips the scales at over 400 pounds?