The Hater's Guide to the NFL Playoffs, Wild Card Round
Who's ready for a playoff-sized dose of NFL hatred?
I know I am.
With the regular season over and the playoffs just beginning, it seems like an appropriate time to remind all of you that your favorite team is absolutely terrible. I tried to get out, I truly did. I even said my goodbyes.
They pulled me back in—something about a contract, paycheck, blah blah blah.
So, here's the deal.
All season long, I told you about how much your teams stunk and why they would lose that particular weekend. If my math is correct, I'm batting about .500 per week for the entire season. (Funny how that works). However, I get a major boost from the fact that 62 percent of your teams didn't make the playoffs, thus confirming their "stinkitude." (Note to my editors: "Stinkitude" is totally a word).
If we add in the extra credit from the rest of your teams having you as fans (that is "stinkitude by association"), we can pretty much safely say that I've never been wrong. Ever.
So, without further ado and by popular demand (and contractual obligation, apparently), here's the hate for the Wild Card Round!
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Houston Texans
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Shocked to find out he's not on the hot seat, nor is he taking a spin around the coaching carousel, Marvin Lewis decides to take the weekend off. His players, not really feeling this whole playoff thing anyway, join him for what most reasonably assume was a fantastic weekend of BBQ eating, mechanical bull riding and square dancing.
Marvin Lewis freaking LOVES square dancing.
At first, Mike Brown is upset that his team didn't even show up for the game, but he is then reminded of the countless other playoff games where that was the case.
"Do we still get paid?" Brown asks when pressed for comment. "We do? Oh, then I'm proud of our efforts, really fought hard out there."
A crazed and confused T.J. Yates tackles Matt Schaub and leads his team out of the tunnel. "I got this!" Yates yells as Coach Kubiak repeatedly tries to convince Yates that he's not the "Designated Playoff QB" for the Texans and that last year was just a one-time thing.
"I GOT THIS!" Yates reiterates when J.J. Watt and Duane Brown carry him, kicking and screaming, off to the sideline and over to a trainer waiting with a hypodermic needle full of sleepy-time juice.
At halftime, down by three touchdowns corresponding with three Schaub interceptions, Kubiak forgoes his halftime speech in an attempt to rouse Yates from his peaceful slumber.
"He said he had it; why didn't I listen?" Kubiak would be quoted after the game. At least, reporters think that's what he said. It was really just a lot of snot and tears.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers
Andy King/Getty Images
Christian Ponder takes one step out onto the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and immediately retires from football.
Although the move was sudden and unexpected, it actually works out for the Vikings, as Adrian Peterson rushes for 300 yards in the first half while wearing a new pair of sports goggles. However, down by three late in the game, the Vikings are forced to pass, just once. It is intercepted and returned by Casey Hayward for a Packers touchdown.
Six interception returns for touchdowns later, the Vikings lose in a rout. It will later be called the weirdest two minutes of football ever.
Green Bay Packers
As Aaron Rodgers surveys the defense on the first play of the game, he is shocked to see only one down lineman—Jared Allen, just foaming at the mouth and daring the Packers to actually run the football.
Mike McCarthy cannot be dissuaded, however, and 42 straight passes into double coverage later, the Packers lose the game. Somehow, the offensive line still gave up nine sacks.
Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens
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"But wait, Reggie, I thought the NFL season was only 16 games long...what are we doing?"
"It's the playoffs, Andrew. You know, like we're trying to get the Super Bowl."
"Oh, a bowl game, yeah...I know what those are. So we're done this week? Where's my gift bag?
"No man, seriously. Didn't you go to Stanford?"
"Yeah, but I played football."
Ray Lewis comes out to do his normal pregame dance, and the crowd just bursts into tears. Things get weird, though, when the dance lasts longer than normal.
Is he doing Gangnam Style? Is that Bieber with him? Seriously, why isn't he stopping? The game was supposed to start minutes ago! The pyrotechnics budget must have been through the roof!
No game is actually played, which is a fitting tribute to Lewis' level of play this season. (*Ducks*)
Seattle Seahawks vs. Washington Redskins
Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images
Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson meet at midfield to shake hands before the game, but suddenly, a white light envelops them. "This is why we're here," Wilson says, and the light bursts out, covering the stadium, Washington, D.C., and eventually the entire planet.
No football is played that day, but congressional leaders meet with the White House in an unprecedented show of good will. Leaders from around the world agree to give up their nuclear arms and warring nations are seen playing soccer on now-quiet battle fields.
Griffin and the Redskins are given the victory because no one on the Eastern seaboard has any idea who Russell Wilson is.
As court-ordered punishment for this prediction, I'm no longer able to give any reasons why the Redskins might lose a single game, ever. Best team in history. RGIII is like the genetic equivalent of every Hall of Fame QB mashed together in one gigantic piece of awesomeness. Alfred Morris is the second coming of Jim Brown, only less cuddly and likable. Mike Shanahan is a genius who should never be questioned.
I'm already getting my Super Bowl tickets, for next year! #HTTR.
Or, Wilson and company drop 50 on them...either way.
Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and a member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff at The Go Route.