Can't. Stop. Following.
Jose Canseco: a well-meaning poet or a trolling Twitter buffoon?
If there was ever such a thing as a polarizing Twitter account, Canseco's pulled it off.
Polarizing Twitter account? That's so 2013. #firstworldproblems
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
When the six-time All-Star winds up for a Twitter rant of epic proportions, his musings range from profoundly bizarre to genuinely heartfelt. And every so often, he goes on to proclaim that these not-so-well-known but very-much-alive types, like Al freakin' Gore, are dead.
Love him or hate him (but only in 140 characters...or less!), if you partake in the Twittersphere, you're listening.
Here at Bleacher Report, we're fans. It's only partially because back in 2011 he penned a guest column for us. Then there's the mundane reasons he entertains and befuddles:
You're 48 RT @josecanseco Keep it up roger. Prove people can still play baseball at a high level at age 50. God knows I have proven it— King Kaufman (@king_kaufman) September 9, 2012
So when Canseco fired off this absolute gem of a New Year's resolution(s) pledge, it seemed appropriate to reflect on a year of Canseco blessing Twitter with his words—even if said words are often constructed and punctuated in manners that would want to make a 5th-grade English teacher break a ruler over their knee and swear off the written word until the end of time.
The initial idea was to pluck out his most head-scratching tweet for every month out of 2012, but since his timeline only goes back to April when it went on a brief hiatus, it will only be from April onward. Be sure to check the aforementioned link link for his top links pre-hiatus (let's call them "Canseco B.H.") and the following is an attempt to get inside of Mr. Canseco's fingers and mind as he unleashed his strangest 140-character sonnets post-hiatus ("Canseco P.H.").
Would you swallow your dogs throw up to save your best friend from dieing— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 26, 2012
But why, Jose? This is when post-hiatus Canseco started to cement himself in legitimate wildcard status that would even make Charlie Kelly blush.
I should be the president of the united states imagine how many haters I could slap then— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 3, 2012
Because that's why most presidents pursue the presidency: to fulfill their hater-slapping-related fetishes.
We shouldn't be worried about global warming we should worry more about the mental state of our country.— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) June 3, 2012
Say what you will about Canseco. Nonsensical. Disregard for simple punctuation. Downright weird. But at least he's got a good heart. Or something.
World is full of hatred and liars. I will start taking souls to all thieves crooks and liars.— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) July 29, 2012
It's not (soul) delivery, it's Canseco.
Or maybe I am a vampire right now? Mysterious man— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) August 31, 2012
When he's not giving out souls, he's sucking your blood. Come on, Jose, a semblance of consistency would be appreciated.
Why is it wendys 99c value menu portions are getting smaller. Economy sucks— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) September 25, 2012
Ah, so they must have measured that whole "fiscal cliff" thing by the variance in sizes of a Wendy's crispy chicken sandwich.
love me or hate me I complet you and you complete me. ready to greet my followers today.— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) October 3, 2012
OK, this complete-you claim is a monthly staple in Canseco's wheelhouse. A tweet pledging his completing of his following is as constant as gravity. One would just figure by now he'd at least complete the word itself.
But stay true to the world first. Far more important. One random act of kindness keeps the aliens away— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 10, 2012
Will Smith > random acts of kindness. Clearly, somebody was too busy during the summer of 1996. Psh, baseball, whatever.
feel bad for the penguins. They are going to melt with this heat. doesnt feel like christmas— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 6, 2012
Not-so-bold prediction for a 2013 Canseco tweet: Sorry (again), Al Gore. But I just realized Billy Madison was really on top of this global warming epidemic long before you were making documentaries about it.