If Your Premier League Team Was a TV Show...
The Premier League is as exciting as ever, and television has never been better.
Every weekend we watch Manchester United, Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal, Tottenham Hotspur and even Liverpool and then bury our tears, fears and frustrations for another seven days before we do it all again.
But what do we do in between? Most of us watch TV.
Yup, TV is going through its golden age where top programs like The Wire, The Sopranos, Generation Kill, Justified, The Big Bang Theory and even Two and a Half-Men and Glee, are coming with such speed and ferocity that its downright impossible to keep up with them all—almost.
So what better idea than to put TV and football together to describe your favourite Premier League team?
Here we go...and remember it's just a bit of fun.
If you have any ideas yourself, throw them in the comments below.
Arsenal: Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Arsenal are exactly like Keeping up with the Kardashians.
They always look great, play in an attractive manner and are ultimately as flawed, false and as empty as one could hope for a top team.
Still, I reckon Kim would easily score more than Gervinho if Mr Wenger gave her a pair of boots.
Aston Villa: Entourage
Entourage is a nice little comedy-drama about four young men who move to the big-time and Hollywood to chase their dreams.
Like Aston Villa they get into a few scrapes, have a few adventures and a couple of brief moments of brilliance, but you know it's all going to end in tears.
For Villa that will be relegation, sooner rather than later if the current trend keeps up. Entourage had its cancellation in 2011.
Chelsea: Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones is easily one of the best programs on TV at the moment. And as any fan of the show or books will tell you; as far as lead characters are concerned, it really is no-holds barred.
Central characters are killed off every season to such an extent that fans of the show are always left wondering who will be next.
Bit like the Chelsea manager's job really.
Everton: Arrested Development
Coming up with a TV show for Everton was a tough one. But then I remembered the Bluth family and all of a sudden it was a perfect match.
When Arrested Development first appeared on Fox in 2003, few would have predicted that it would become a classic. The comedy follows the Bluth family, who are formerly wealthy and as dysfunctional as they come.
Everton, like the Bluth's, are no longer the big players they once were, and their future as a Premier League giant goes very much with the name of the show; Arrested Development.
Fulham: The Sopranos
Fulham are so like The Sopranos it's uncanny.
For a start, Martin Jol's nickname is Tony, because he looks so like Tony Soprano.
Also, every season football fans fall in and out of love with the Cottagers as quickly as they did with Tony Soprano. And at the end of every year we're left wondering what happened and why they didn't end their term better; just like the final season of The Sopranos.
Liverpool: The Office
Liverpool are trying to get to a better place, just like The Office's Dunder Mifflin and Wernham Hogg Paper Company.
After following the mockumentary style program from Ricky Gervais' David Brent in 2001 to Steve Carrell's Michael Scott in 2012, I have come to the conclusion that Brendan Rodgers' Brendan Rodgers in late 2012 was as funny as Carrell and Gervais.
Here are three video clips, try to spot the comedy.
Manchester City: Dynasty
Dynasty was a cheap multi-million knock-off of Dallas.
Focusing on the wealthy Blake Carrington and his family, Dynasty had a vast array of dysfunctional, distrustful and disinterested characters. Although maybe that had something to do with Denver? And it does sound like City, Balotelli for Alexis Carrington anyone?
Anyway, the show was hugely successful over its nine-year run, but is still remembered as being the little brother to Dallas.
Will City shake that tag when compared to United? Or will their dynasty end up on the scrap heap like Dynasty?
Manchester United: The Walking Dead
Manchester United are the very embodiment of a zombie in The Walking Dead.
They are populated by characters who should have retired years ago, who never give up and no matter how many times you shoot them down they just keep coming—or at least until Fergie time ends.
Newcastle United: Auf Wiedersehen Pet
Auf Wiedersehen Pet was a 1980's comedy-drama set around a group of Geordie builders who go to Germany to find work.
Even now, 30 years after it was first shown, it is still hailed as one of British television's finest accomplishments. The show followed the "Magnificent Seven" lads in Germany as they got into scrapes, romances and trouble with the authorities.
Eventually, they return home empty-handed but having gained many valuable life lessons—just like Newcastle in the Premier League.
Norwich City: Battlestar Galactica
For those of you who like science fiction but have yet to watch Battlestar Galactica, hold your head in shame.
The basic idea behind Battlestar is about the last survivors of an attempted genocide trying to escape from their would-be assassins. Cur intrigue, political tension, double and triple agents, fantastic action and some of the best acting seen on TV in many a long time.
Anyway, Battlestar is old school and so are Norwich City.
Battlestar uses old tech as Norwich uses old-style tactics and each rely on characters and a wily old tactician to get them out of trouble. And if a few toasters are frakked on the way, then so be it.
QPR: Only Fools & Horses
Even before Harry Redknapp went to QPR they would have been the footballing version of Trotters Independent Traders. Now that 'Arry is there, the link with Only Fools and Horses is even more perfect.
Redknapp may not like being compared to Del-boy and being called a wheeler-dealer, but if there is one man who can right the mess of too many purchases, 24 in the last two years alone, it is 'Arry.
He'll also find a few hidden gems that could prove invaluable and this time next season QPR could be reaping the benefits of one the best minds in football.
Reading: The Inbetweeners
Reading are The Inbetweeners as far as their footballing development is concerned.
They are not quite up there with the big boys just yet and are too cool to hang around with the small kids in the Championship anymore.
Expect entertainment, mad comebacks, infuriating losses and the odd bit of vomit in the stands as they strive to survive in the Premier League.
Southampton: Peep Show
Peep Show is yet another award-winning sitcom from Channel 4 in England.
Following two dysfunctional flatmates, Mark and Jez, and filmed in a really unusual first-person style, the show is built around the neurotic duo as they reveal all their dark, idiotic and downright stupid, anal-retentive inner thoughts.
I hear you asking where Southampton come in.
Well, like many of the situations Mark and Jez get in, you end up cringing and watching it through your fingers, which is exactly how Southampton have played for much of the season.
Stoke City: Justified
Justified and Stoke City may just be one of the best matches in this slideshow.
Apart from Justified being television's best kept secret and probably the best show on TV at the moment, the link is in the name because everything Stoke do to get a result is...
Once upon a time the most dysfunctional group of people on TV was the Gallagher family and their friends on Channel 4's Shameless—not the useless American knock-off.
Anyways, times have changed and now the most dysfunctional group of footballers I can think of is Sunderland.
Not that they're anything on the Gallaghers mind you.
Swansea City: The Valleys
If Arsenal are The Kardashians, then Swansea can only be MTV's The Valleys.
I'd prefer Arsenal to be the Cardassians than The Kardashians to be honest, but they would be sneaky and sign players...
Following Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives and countless other reality TV shows, The Valleys is the latest British attempt to follow good-looking, fame-hungry people, with a complete lack of self-awareness around.
Now, no one could say that Swansea are not self-aware. They play good football, But they are a cheaper version of Arsenal and The Valleys is without doubt a cheaper version of The Kardashians.
Tottenham Hotspur: Mad Men
Tottenham Hotspur have always been one of the most stylish teams around. Good football is ingrained in the club character as much as lack of character on the football pitch is.
Enter Mad Men, where the theme of the show is what you see is most definitely what is most important. Style over substance as they say.
West Bromwich Albion: The Big Bang Theory
Ok, I'll be honest here.
Coming up with a show for West Bromwich Albion wasn't the easiest.
So I shoe-horned The Big Bang Theory in because it's one of the best comedies on TV.
As far as WBA are concerned, the top-four is Penny and is just out of reach. But, if they keep trying and doing the right things it might just happen, but then again I'm sure there's a scientific formula that would say it's just about impossible.
West Ham United: EastEnders
West Ham, dour football under Sam Allardyce.
EastEnders, dour TV show on BBC.
West Ham is in the East End, despite the name, so it's a match made in heaven, or hell, or boredom—you choose.
Wigan Athletic: Red Dwarf
Red Dwarf is one of the longest-running comedies on British TV.
Focusing on the hapless Lister, Kryten, Cat and Rimmer. The show sees the mining-ship Red Dwarf travail around the Galaxy some three million years after the human race has been wiped out.
Each week the lads get in over their heads and somehow escape in weird, wonderful and often hilarious fashions.
Anyways, Wigan are a bit like the Red Dwarf crew in that they are so obviously out of their depth in the Premier League both financially and playing wise, but somehow they survive every season.
Bonus Slide; Barcelona: The Wire
The Wire is probably the best TV show ever made.
Barcelona are probably the best football team of all time.
A perfect match.
Messi is a little more of a team player than McNulty or Stringer Bell though.