Respect Yourself: Nine "Pro Athletes" Who Are in Worse Shape Than You

Correspondent Written on March 26, 2009

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If you've ever watched the NBA, NFL, NHL, etc., and dreamt about being a professional athlete, only to gently knead the giant mass of flesh that is your stomach and remember how you get winded answering the phone, well, cheer up. There is hope. For every pro athlete with a chiseled physique stemming from advanced training techniques, hours in the gym and a chef-prepared healthier than healthy diet, there exists the rare athlete that is wildly successful, in spite of their resemblance to the Michelin Man. So the next time you're staring at yourself in front of the mirror in only your tighty whiteys, remember, if these portly pro's can make it, why the hell can't you!?

Rich Garces

Career Stats: 23 Wins 10 Losses 7 Saves 296 K's 4.77 ERA (10 years)

Nickname: El Guapo (The Handsome One)

Unconfirmed Fact: Held responsible for single-handedly ruining four all-you-can-eat restaurants in the greater Boston area.

Oliver Miller

Career Stats: 7.4 PPG 2.2 APG 5.9 RPG 1.5 Blocks (493 games)

Nickname: Big O

Unconfirmed Fact: Suprisingly, Miller is a strict vegetarian. However, everything he eats is deep fried and covered in chocolate

Butterbean

Career Stats: 90 Wins 17 Losses 5 Draws (63 KO's)

Nickname: King of the Four Rounders

Unconfirmed Fact: Of his 17 losses, eight were by decision, six were by TKO, and three were disqualifications after Butterbean ate his opponent...and the ref...and all 3 judges.

John Kruk

Career Stats: .300 BA 100 HR 592 RBI 58 SB (10 Years)

Nickname: That Fat Guy with One Nut on the Phillies
(maybe)

Unconfirmed Fact: Tried to emulate Wade Boggs' chicken diet, only with Twinkies. After four months Kruk actually became Mr. Twinkie (complete with cowboy hat and lasso), thus embarking on a successful career in advertising.

Jared Lorenzen

Career Stats: 4 Comp 8 Att 28 YDS 0 TD 58.3 QB Rating (Two Years)

Nickname: The Pillsbury Throwboy (one of many)

Unconfirmed Fact: While wearing a black jumpsuit, was mistaken for King Kong by New York Port Authority, and shot at by vintage WWII fighter planes from a nearby air show.

Turk Broda

Career Stats: 302 Wins 224 Losses 101 Ties 2.53 GAA (629 Games)

Nickname: Turk

Unconfirmed Fact: Routinely called time-outs during games so he could eat pie...with pork chops.

Tony Stewart

Career Stats: 33 Wins Two Series Championships (2002, 2005)
N
ickname: Smoke

Unconfirmed Fact: Is the only NASCAR driver who sits in the chassis and has the car body lowered onto him, then bolted into place.

William Perry

Career Stats: 29.5 Sacks 5 Fumble Recoveries 506 Tackles (11 Years)

Nickname: The Refrigerator

Unconfirmed Fact: In the span of two weeks found a TV remote control, a can opener, three dead birds and a sewing kit in his arm folds.

John Daly

Career Stats: Five Wins Two major championships (British Open & PGA)

Nickname: Long John

Unconfirmed Fact: Has been known to get sloppy drunk and pass out at Hooter's...actually this is a confirmed fact. Has gone from "Jovial Fat Guy on Tour" to "Pathetic Mess on Tour."

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written on March 26, 2009 Humor

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