They're blaring, boisterous and sometimes don't seem to know exactly what it is they're yelling about.
But they do know one thing—the world of sports is a loud arena, and they'll be damned if their voice is drowned out by anyone or anything.
So grab your ear-buds and a rosary, because it's time for the loudest people in sports, and you're going to need all the help you can get.
Quotable Quote: “I’ve been drinking coconut water since I was two, all the way through 48!”
If Ozzie Guillen knows two things in this life, it’s coconut water and ranting. And when the two come together like this, it transcends reality like a Pegasus flying over a rainbow.
A loud, foul-mouthed Pegasus. Over a rainbow of regrettable social commentary.
Quotable Quotes: “UNNNGHHH!”
What hurts more? Taking Serena Williams' serve square in the downtown deluxe or listening to her power-grunt her way through a backhand?
The answer is “Depends on if it’s just a ‘tipper’ or a full-platter pasting.”
Quotable Quote: "Really, Jake? A @%$@ing slider? Right now? In this economy? You’re better than that!"*
*The above quotation was not an actual quote from Jake Peavy.
But it’s common knowledge among White Sox fans and teams around the league that pitcher Jake Peavy saves his choicest words for himself when he’s having a bad game.
Quotable Quote: "I am...the greatest...of all time!"
Ricky Henderson isn't wrong in this statement he made to fans about being the greatest base-stealer of all time.
He's also not quiet or subtle about it.
Quotable Quote: "EEEYEAAATAA!!! TAAA!!"
Now, I don’t exactly know what these athletes are saying in this Olympic “Scream-Off” footage from the London Games, if anything at all. But what I do know is that their primordial wails come from a loud place deep down inside all of them—an area below the heart, past the soul and tucked right up behind the plums, so to speak.
Quotable Quote: “Now lets go eat a g*ddamn snack!”
Love him or hate him, Rex Ryan leads his soldiers into battle with an iron fist and open mouth.
From demanding snack time to chewing out refs and cursing fans, the foot-fetish king makes sure he’s always heard loud and clear.
He doesn’t always rock the decibel levels with his words, but the steady Terminator-like persistence of Chad Johnson’s jawing is like wave after asinine wave crashing down upon our mind's shores, slowly eroding away the bedrock of our own personal sanity into stupid, stupid dust.
Quotable Quote: “Oh-ai-ai!"
It’s always loud, always annoying and heavy-handed on the follow-through.
It’s Maria Sharapova’s famous tennis-stroke scream. And on some primordial, "bull elk in the rut" base level, you’re completely into it, you freaky bastard.
Quotable Quotes: “I got TWO words for ya: Steve Nash! and Chris Paul! Must-see TV!!”
From the “somebody had to be me, might as well be me!” days in NBA to his “ball smoating” bloopers as co-host on Inside the NBA, Charles Barkley has made two things clear:
1. His foot will remain in his mouth.
Quotable Quote: “GIMME THAT SH*T!”
He never. Stops. Talking.
Every game he plays, Carlos Boozer is just waiting for a reason to snap his voice box into action.
With every rebound, shot and graze of opponent’s skin on his body, Boozer utilizes this simple decision-making flowchart to determine how he must loudly remind everyone in the stadium that there are other, less shoe-endorsed players out on the floor.
Quotable Quotes: "If you were 2-7 you'd be in a bad mood, too!"
While miffed interviews like the one in this video illustrate his ability to rein in the rage, Mike Ditka hasn't hesitated to release the Kraken on his ESPN coworkers from time to time.
Clean out your ears Merril Hoge—the Coach is coming for you.
Quotable Quote: “Tonight is about each other! Tonight is about relentless football!”
“Tonight is about psych-up dances bordering on schizophrenia!! Is anybody still listening to me?!”
We hear you loud and clear, Ray. Believe me—you’re “Mic’d Up” about as often as Joe Buck. Actually, can we switch you two?
Quotable Quotes: “All he does is win!”
Listening to Skip Bayless talk sports is like listening to a louder male version of your aunt yell about how she could solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict during Thanksgiving dinner—she’s loud, idealistic and has no idea what in the sweet syrupy hell she’s talking about.
And you don't know why everyone continues to humor her instead of taking her Merlot away and telling her to get some rest.
Quotable Quote: “I just wanna know if you got your popcorn ready?!”
It doesn’t matter if we like Terrell Owens and his big mouth or not, because like the man says—“I looove me some me!"
Guess he’s going to need a big box of tissues when he somehow delivers his eulogy entitled “I Was a Beautiful Talented Man” at his own funeral.
Quotable Quote: “BALL DON’T LIE!”
Loud. Constant. Obnoxious. ‘Sheed.
Forget Guns ‘N Roses—if the US army wants to destroy the morale of enemy insurgents, all they need is a pair of concert-quality speakers and a loop of Rasheed Wallace screaming “WOOOOOOOHHH!!!” in an echoing indoor practice facility.
Thirty minutes of that, and you’re guaranteed to see your enemy raise a white flag soaked in the tears of insanity.
Quotable Quote: “When my time on Earth is gone, and my activities here are passed...I want they bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass.”
Bob Knight’s “quotes” (read: ravings) are as memorable as they are bleep-able, and a collection of his tamer sermons were more than loud enough to fill up this ESPN Top 10 soundbite reel.
His less tame rants...well, they’re NSFW, and let’s just say they invoke the same kind of open-ended fear you experienced as a child when Dad pulled into the driveway after a long day of work and was about to find out you put his watch in the garbage disposal.
Quotable Quote: “You play to win the game!”
He’s passionate, insightful and loud as hell when he gets on a tear.
When Herm Edwards speaks, men listen—partially because he’s slamming his hands on the table, and partially because they don’t really have a damn choice, now do they?
Quotable Quote: “No one here has ever worked on TV before?!”
While this classic rant never ages, watching Chris Berman chortle his way through an ESPN broadcast most certainly does.
Listening to Chris Berman rehash all the old classics has become a lot like going to a Rolling Stones concert these days—a lot of noise is made that sounds vaguely like the stuff you used to love, and many of us leave the situation thinking this dog has seen its day.
Quotable Quote: “I will do a home-invasion on you! I will cut the power to your house, and the next thing you hear will be me climbing up your stairs in a pair of night-vision goggles that I bought in the back of a Soldier of Fortune Magazine!”
No one in sports dishes out the trash-talk with the laser-guided precision and Gatling gun speed of UFC fighter Chael Sonnen.
A book could be written with the transcripts of verbal rants Sonnen has gone on during his fighting career, and the title would be Anderson Silva or a Stain in My Jocks.
Or, if you’re an Anderson Silva fan—Sonnen’s Mouth: The Blankest Check.
Quotable Quotes: “THAT IS BLASPHEMOUS!”
Half of the men responsible for the aural carpet-bombing laid on the nation each morning on ESPN's First Take, sports analyst Stephen A. Smith is less of an analyst and more of a man-sized doll stuffed with pre-recorded tangents that blast out when you pull on its “LeBron” cord.
Quotable Quote: “YOU DO IT AGAIN AND I’LL KNOCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR NOSE!”
He wasn’t a big guy, but Baltimore Orioles manager Earl Weaver made up for what he lacked in stature in volume and unbridled insanity when arguing with umpires.
Quotable Quote: “My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious...I want your heart. I want to eat his children.”
Between barking his Arabic-sprinkled rants about cannibalizing America’s youth and his threatening messages to journalists during interviews, Mike Tyson is almost as loud as he is crazy.
Quotable Quote: “I’m young. I’m handsome. I’m fast. I’m pretty, and can’t possibly be beat!”
Muhammad floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee. He also mouthed off like a high school prom king who had a few too many Miller Chills before the big dance. And we loved him for it.
Quotable Quotes: “You’re pathetic! You’re the worst umpire I’ve ever seen!”
His screaming stopped games and seemed to echo off walls into eternity.
Forget sending music into space, the sound-waves from John McEnore's tennis tantrums during the 80s are going to be the first man-made sounds that aliens hear from our race.
And its going to scare the hot gooey ectoplasm out of them.