Ty Lawson's Big Toe Injury: What Really Happened

(Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

The incident quickly becoming known as "Toe-Gate" is coming into focus.

It turns out that in the week leading up to the March 8, 2009, showdown against arch-rival Duke, University of North Carolina point guard and little-engine-that-could Ty Lawson did not actually jam his toe, as first reported. There was no toe jam. Lawson was the victim of teammate Tyler Hansbrough's latest machination.

"Tyler calls it 'Texas style this little piggy,'" a reticent and grimacing Lawson said.

"Basically, it's a game of 'horse'—except the winner of each basket twists the loser's toe until he cries "THIS LITTLE PIGGY!" said Hansbrough. "First, the little piggy goes to the market, then he stays home, then he has a little roast beef, then none."

Hansbrough smirked. "Eventually, the loser goes home."

"Ty's lucky—friggin' Hansbrough's original version involved nipple twists. Sadist..." said senior guard, Bobby Frasor, rubbing his chest.

And you thought playing ping pong "Texas style" with Tyler Hansbrough was dangerous.

Wayne Ellington added sarcastically, "Yeah, we can't simply have a karaoke contest around here. We've got to hurt each other."

However, the incident begged the obvious question: how on earth is Tyler Hansbrough shooting the rest of the team into submission?

"Dude cheats," Lawson shrugged. "One word: midgets."

Hey, Ty, that's little people to you. And the rest of us.

Hansbrough laughed. "You see, I know this group of little guys that are built like little miniature houses. I have them jump on my back and arms—kind of like what's happened every single game I've played in this year—and I hit shots."

He continued. "I call it every time. Two midgets, swish. Three midgets, bank. Four midgets, bounce ball off free throw line, right shoulder midget does header, two roll 'round the toilet bowl and down."

"So the other night, Tyler had three midgets stacked on his shoulders and he buries a half court shot. So he's already ramped up," Frasor said.

"Then Ty attempts the same shot. In and out. Well, Tyler goes berserk."

Lawson recounted the incident with horror. "He runs out to half court, shoves his little buddies aside, yanks my right shoe off and just starts jerking my big toe all around."

Ellington laughed. "Ty's yelling, 'I'M AT THE MARKET, YOU FREAK!!! I'M AT THE MARKET YOU FREAKING (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (CURSEWORD) (MORE SWEARING) PSYCHOTIC FREAK!!!'"

"I got him good," Hansbrough admitted.

When it was noted that his shenanigans could cost his team a national title, he pondered the implications for a moment and stated, "Wow, that would be a stinker..."

Despite all the pain he's endured, Lawson's take is still optimistic.

"At least he didn't pull my groin. That would have been worse. Much, much worse."

Writer's note: If you haven't guessed by now, this story is a total fabrication. I'd hate for this to make it to major media networks. I'd really really hate that type of exposure. Really.

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