If the NFL Had a Bowl Season...

Vincent Frank@VincentFrankNFLCorrespondent IDecember 13, 2012

If the NFL Had a Bowl Season...

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    As we enter college football bowl week on the ESPN family of networks, we thought it made sense here at Bleacher Report to take a somewhat tongue-in-cheek look at what the bowl system would look like if the NFL implemented it. 

    The best thing about comedy is the ability to laugh at yourself, so please don't take yourself too seriously here. 

    After all, we already know Rex Ryan doesn't. 

Johnson's Baby Oil Bowl

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    New York Jets vs. Carolina Panthers

    On Thanksgiving night, we are all treated to something special courtesy of New York Jets, aluminum foil on head special.

    During that disastrous performance, New York allowed the New England Patriots to score 21 points in the total of 33 seconds. Coincidentally, the Jets have failed to score that many points in a game eight times this season. 

    One of the "special treats" was when Mark Sanchez ran into the backside of teammate Brandon Moore, fumbled the ball and had it returned for a touchdown. 

    A few weeks later, Sanchez was benched in lieu of Greg McElroy, who led the Jets to their only score in a 7-6 win over the lowly Arizona Cardinals. If you look close enough you can see No. 6 on the sideline shedding dry tears. This "hum is me" feeling has seemed to plague Sanchez and the Jets all season long. 

    Meanwhile, Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers might as well get themselves some baby wipes and call it a season. The young quarterback, despite strong recent play, just seems to lack the maturity to take the good with the bad. 

    Carolina wide receiver Steve Smith had the following to say about his quarterback earlier in the year. 

    I lit into him (Newton) because I thought it was an opportunity for him to see and understand what was going on. This is more than about playing football. It's about becoming a man and understanding what this is.

    At times, Newton has looked like he needs to baby oil to even sit down after a couple games this season. This look on his face probably says a million words without even saying one. Hey Cam, next time you lose a game, try actually looking at us in the face with your eyes open. 

Gerber Baby Food Bowl

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    San Francisco 49ers vs. Houston Texans

    Someone give this guy a Binky, he cries more than a teething baby. Of course, none of you have any idea who I am talking about because it could refer to multiple individuals associated with this "game." 

    Well it's none other than Mr. Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers. something that has been a common theme for the second-year coach since he took over the job in the Bay Area is his consistent lambasting of officials on the sideline. 

    Sometimes he looks like Cujo out there. Other times, Harbaugh looks like he should be preparing for a calcium deposit directly from his mother's milk supply. 

    Either way, it does tend to work. As some astute writer's out there have pointed out, the coach who complains the most usually gets the call down the road. With a .759 winning percentage in San Francisco, Harbaugh is obviously getting the job done. 

    Then you have Houston Texans defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, who believes the NFL is "biased against defensive players." These comments were made immediately prior to Houston giving up 504 passing yards and four touchdowns to Chad Henne. 

    Last time I checked, teams like the Seattle Seahawks, Pittsburgh Steelers and the aforementioned 49ers are doing damn well under this set of rules. 

    Maybe try holding your opponent to under 21 points in the first 17 minutes of a game. 

    Cry me a river or float down it without a paddle; either way, stop complaining. 

The Lysol Toilet Bowl

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    Arizona Cardinals vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

    These two teams have won one more game since September than you or I. In fact, the worst team in baseball (Houston Astros) has won one more game than these two teams since the final day of that September. 

    Needless to say, they're going nowhere fast. 

    Arizona could run the wildcat with LaRod Stephens-Howling playing quarterback and get more production from that position than we have seen over the course of the last two months. John Skelton and Ryan Lindley. Really? It's kinda like entering the ladies' restroom on accident and walking into the following scene. 

    Meanwhile, Jacksonville has been without the only player that makes it somewhat watchable in the form of Maurice Jones-Drew and has Chad Henne playing quarterback. I guess the silver lining here is that Blaine Gabbert isn't left flinching in the offensive backfield every time he attempts a pass. 

    I use Lysol here because Mr. Clean deserves so much more than to have to clean this mess from the inside of a toilet bowl. 

The Ready Labor Unemployment Bowl

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    San Diego Chargers vs. Philadelphia Eagles

    How would this game play out in Week 17 of the NFL season? Andy Reid and Norv Turner taking on one another for the right to...well, I have absolutely no idea. 

    Maybe they could have a friendly bet. If one gets the head coaching job before the other, he brings him a long for the ride as a coordinator and promises not to trade for either Philip Rivers or Michael Vick

    They could even bet a quarter of their unemployment check. A reasonable solution could even be one working for day labor and giving the other half of his $60. Though, I am not sure Mr. Reid is in any condition to weed-whack behind the local jail in Philadelphia. That could lead to a disastrous situation for both Reid and the jail.

    San Diego and Philadelphia are a combined 3-15 since the end of September. I am pretty sure that's not going to be enough to save either of their jobs. 

    At the very least, each will have starring roles in NFL Films moving forward. You know the kind.

The All-American Bail Bonds Bowl

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    Detroit Lions vs. Oakland Raiders

    The 2012 version of the Detroit Lions make the 2006 Cincinnati Bengals look like members of the Notre Dame marching band. Even prior to the start of the season, seven different arrests had occurred within the organization. 

    This comes on the heels of a near five-year span of no such incidents taking place within the organization. I guess winning gives certain players an aura of invincibility when it comes to the law. Maybe one of those magic invisibility cloaks. 

    Now that Detroit is back to its old losing ways, it seems that the players are going back to the schoolgirl side of the ledger; both on and off the field. 

    As it relates to the Oakland Raiders, it really doesn't matter if they're winning or losing. Rolando McClain was arrested on a myriad of different charges back in December of last season. 

    The arresting police officer  had the following to say about the incident. 

    The victim told officers that following the fight, he crawled to his car," the police statement said. "He said that when he reached his car, Rolando McClain produced a pistol and aimed it at him. He said that while he was still on the ground, McClain walked over to him and put the gun to his head."

    Why the Sesame Street pose then? I guess we will never find out. 

    A total of five different arrests have occurred in the Raiders organization since the start of the 2011 calendar year. 

    Only if they could make as much noise on the football field as they do on police blotters. 

Willy Wonka Nerds Bowl

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    Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Atlanta Falcons

    Shahid Khan as Willy Wonka and Arthur Blank as Grandpa Joe.  The possibilities here are endless. The Jaguars owner could even roll on to the field in his decked out Ford F-150 with Timmy Tebow jumping out from behind the Flex-N-Gate bumper. 

    This bowl game, of course, would have to take place in San Francisco as we will all be looking for the golden ticket, which will be hidden in Khan's Herculean mustache the whole time.  

    I wouldn't be too surprised to see Marshawn Lynch make an appearance in an attempt to trip Wonka up with his Skittles and let Charlie grab the final golden ticket. 


The Neckbeard Classic Presented by Ford Theater

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    Pittsburgh Steelers and Indianapolis Colts 

    If Andrew Luck has a neckbeard, Brett Keisel's facial hair represents something out of the Paleolithic Age. I can easily see him going one on one with a woolly mammoth using a bone tool to bring feed back to his equally-as-hairy wife. 

    While the defensive lineman may look more like hobo to modern humans, he just has that hard look to him. The type of individual you just don't mess with. 

    I wonder if Luck and Keisel would exchange hair ideas in the midst of the latter making a sack. They might just lock up hair and have to be carted off the field as one. Though, that would make for an uncomfortable locker-room scene immediately after. 

    "Movember" might have ended, but for these two that month represents just one of 12 in which they don't look like antiquated creatures surveying land for a possible rite of passage ritual involving a beard-tugging competition.  

The Maxi Skirt Bowl Presented by Barbie

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    New England Patriots vs. San Diego Chargers

    Is there a quarterback in the NFL that cries more than Tom Brady after being hit? Well, yes there is. His name is Philip Rivers, who also cries at the officials, his teammates, opposing quarterbacks, his pussycats and the gnome stealing his underpants at night. 

    Good thing he has a skirt to wear the next day. 

    Maybe Jay Cutler can show up so Rivers has someone to take some of this pent-up frustration out on. After all, Norv Turner and fellow teammates might be getting sick of it. 

    Baltimore Ravens defensive tackle Haloti Ngata had the following to say about Brady,  

    I love hitting Tom Brady because he always complains. He thinks he should never be touched.

    I bet you could take a poll of defensive players in the National Football League and a large amount of them would vote Brady this biggest crybaby of them all. 

    These two quarterbacks complain so much about being hit that they might as well be playing a touch football game. Of course they would probably rant about how hard the defender pulled the flag from their skirts. 

    It's this type of entitlement that makes me actually miss the toughness of Brett Favre. Someone might want to tell Brady and Rivers that they're still football players, kind of. 

The Scooter Store Bowl

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    Chicago Bears vs. Philadelphia Eagles

    "Help, I have fallen and I can't get up." Okay, that's a different infomercial right there, but you get the point. After spending endless hours listening to these midnight excuses for television shows while writing, I could probably quote each one word for word.

    How many times have both Michael Vick and Jay Cutler shown up on the injury report on a given week? How many games have each of them missed over the course of the last few years? 

    Some of this has to do with reckless play from the quarterbacks, but another primary reason for their continual abuse on the football field is a lackluster offensive line. 

    While the likes of Frank Gore and Peyton Manning are buying their protectors round-trip tickets to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl, these two should get keys to a shiny new scooter. 

    Heck, we could be looking at Cutler and Vick co-starring in Jackass 10 sometime this decade. 

The He Hate Me Bowl, Presented by the XFL and Vince McMahon

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    San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks

    If these two teams played against one another in a game in the now-defunct XFL, fireworks would fly more than D.C. during A Capital Fourth. Just imagine them lining up against one another to start the game off. They might as well have Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll going toe-to-toe, with Michael Buffer doing the voice-over. 

    To say that Harbaugh and Carroll don't like one another would be an understatement. Heck, we don't even need Don King to do the promotion here. Just go to YouTube and enter in both of their names and you get the point. 

    Meanwhile, San Francisco and Seattle players seem to have picked up on the animosity. Anyone that watched their first game on Thursday Night Football knows this all too well. 

    I know we are all excited to see these two teams play on Sunday Night Football next week. That being said, a postseason bowl game under old XFL rules would even be more entertaining. Let's get it done. 

The Skip Bayless Bowl, Presented by CVS Pharmacy

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    New York Jets vs. Washington Redskins

    I tried to stop following Skip Bayless on Twitter, but guess I am too much of a masochist to do so. His irrational rants, ignorant opinions and egocentric attitude rub many people the wrong way, specifically players. 

    The clip above is the ESPN personality calling out Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs by suggesting he said something that he never even remotely came close to saying. Suggs' response was pretty epic: "don't be a douche." 

    I guess that word best describes the opinions of those who don't care for the eccentric journalist. 

    Back in October, Bayless indicated that Tim Tebow could lead the New York Jets to the postseason 

    If Tebow history does repeat itself and Sanchez does turn into Kyle Orton and Rex finally does give up and give in to Tebow and No. 15 does get his first start next Sunday against Indianapolis, I'll predict Tebow goes 7-4 the rest of the way and the Jets squeeze into the playoffs. Take it from the Lone Objective Tebow Defender: Never bet against him.

    Earlier, during the preseason, Bayless went as far to suggest that fans will root for the quarterback that is the same race as them. The following comment is from August following a poor preseason performance by Robert Griffin III. 

    You also have the black/white dynamic, and the majority of Redskins fans are white, and it’s just human nature if you’re white to root for the white guy. It just happens in sports. Just like the black community will root for the black quarterback.

    Is this guy even for real? Maybe we should get the Jets and Redskins together for a bowl game following the season and show Bayless just how the "black" guy could whip the backside of the "white guy."

    The only "black/white" dynamic here would be all the white RGIII fans turning an unnamed journalist's eye black. 

    What a joke. 

The Southwest Airlines Fly Your Way Bowl

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    Buffalo Bills vs. Green Bay Packers

    Both Stevie Johnson and Aaron Rodgers are California kids playing in what we out west like to call "The Snow Trap." While Rodgers seems to have recovered from the shock of having to play in Green Bay, continually ripping his jockstrap off his midsection, Johnson doesn't seem to have adjusted all too well. 

    I think as a service to everyone on the Bills and Packers, we should all just chip in a little bit so they can take a flight out to San Diego and play in their hypothetical bowl game. 

    It doesn't seem fair that BYU and San Diego State are the only "real" teams that get to play in San Diego this winter.


    Follow me on Twitter @VincentFrankNFL.

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