(Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)
It's that time of year again. We're just about two weeks away from MLB Opening Day, a National holiday, and that means it's right around that time when you baseball geeks should be holding your annual fantasy baseball drafts.
Some of you may have already had your drafts, and if you have, then you are not going to benefit too much from this nugget.
That's okay, there's always next year.
For those of you who are in smart leagues and hold your drafts closer to Opening Day, then you will benefit greatly from all of these tips on fantasy baseball:
1. First and foremost, don't miss your draft. I did that today and it's not only embarrassing but you'll look at your automatically-picked team and find out you have AJ Pierzynski. It's the worst feeling ever.
Also, don't have your girlfriend or wife as the one to remind you. It's obvious she'll conveniently remind you it's two hours later than it really is, thus opening your entire night for her. You don't want to end up washing the dishes, cuddling, and watching "My Best Friend's Wedding." (This didn't happen to me, but I can imagine it would suck).
2. Always, always, ALWAYS drink beer during your draft. Liquor is not what men do during fantasy baseball drafts and milk is for babies. Beer opens up your fantasy baseball brainwaves and makes that third-round Christian Guzman selection seem like a good idea—at least until the morning.
3. Be prepared. Have your beer and cheat sheets on hand. Make sure you can quote Peter Gammons and Brandon Funston to defend all your draft picks.
Most importantly, make sure you drop a deuce forty-five minutes before the first pick, even if you have to force it out, Corky. You do not want to have to set up a queue mid-draft so you can go relieve yourself.
If you're a real fantasy trooper-pooper, you'll have a chair specially made for such emergencies. If not, be prepared.
4. Arrive to your draft at least thirty minutes prior to first pick. You want to rattle off as many jokes as you possibly can before it's time for you to get serious. Thirty minutes is more than enough time to pick on the guy who drafted a player who just announced he'll be out for the season because he's going to have Tommy John or ask another guy in your league if he's going to draft a retired guy with his fifth pick like he did the year before.
Trash talking is one of the best parts of fantasy baseball drafts so make sure you allot yourself the time to take part in it.
5. Only quick comments to make fun of someone else's picks are acceptable during the draft; at all other time it's strictly business.
When someone picks a second-tier closer with his third overall pick it's okay—in fact, it's imperative—that you let them know how awful that pick was and how quickly they should probably just hand in their money and leave the league at once.
Similar comments are acceptable for anyone who picks a Chicago White Sox player, particularly AJ Pierzynski.
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