Vanderbilt Superior to "The University of Tennessee"

Eric JacksonCorrespondent IMarch 23, 2008

Many of you outside of Tennessee are unaware of the dichotomy that exists within our state. The University of Tennessee and Vanderbilt University stand in stark contrast to one another. Below is a comparison of the two schools.

Nashville, the Athens of the South, is the cradle of education in the State of Tennessee. Vanderbilt University is her crown jewel. Unfortunately, Nashville is also within the state of Tennessee. This means the inevitable association with that third-rate public institution to the East, the "University of Tennessee."

The lower-education institution, also known as "UT," is located in the heart of redneck, NASCAR-loving East Tennessee; Knoxville. It is a barely functioning example of the third world within the United States. Mostly run by moronic, witless idiots, Knoxville and surrounding counties are overrun with inbred "Jethro Nation" hillbillies. The rich ones have outhouses.

Vanderbilt University is as close to Harvard as you can get without actually going to Cambridge, Massachussets. Filled with a multitude stately academic buildings—the finest that architecture can produce —and massive magnolia trees, Vanderbilt's campus is the only font of moral and intellectual superiority within 500 miles. Athletic facilities are located on the fringes of campus.

Jethro Nation worships at two hideously constructed leviathans known as Neyland Stadium and Thompson-Boling Arena. This is where UT's "student athletes" do battle with the other football factories in the Southeastern Conference. Orange clad "Sidewalk Alumni" idiots fill these overblown double-wides on game day, frothing at the mouth for a victory; clamoring for humiliating defeat of their opponent. There are also a few other brick buildings on campus. What goes on within those buildings is unknown.

Vanderbilt University has a storied men's baseball program. The women's bowling team earned back-to-back national titles! They're hoping for a "three-peat" this year. The admission records of these women will be double-checked to make sure they're all future Rhodes Scholars and that none were admitted for their bowling prowess alone.

Only one thing matters at the University of Tennessee: FOOTBALL. Beyond that, they really don't care. "Academics" is a cover for the activity on campus that is solely designed to produce SEC championships and arrest records.

Game Day
Wealthy Vanderbilt alumni and their genteel families gather on game day to watch the future captains of industry compete against their swarthy, bulging opponents in the Southeastern Conference. Associating with the lesser beings that make up the majority of the Southeastern Conference is the ONLY downside to being a part of Vanderbilt University.

Hillbillies coming straight from committing incest roll out of the hills surrounding Knoxville on Saturday to see their "Vols" rip their opponents limb from limb. Swilling RC Cola (moonshine for those 12 and above) and Moon Pies, these toothless hicks invade like an army of cockroaches infesting a Red Lobster dumpster in Miami Beach in August.

Potential Vanderbilt University student-athletes are meticulously evaluated and scrutinized. Only the finest minds are even considered for admission to this elite university. Vanderbilt University student-athletes are students first. When they matriculate at Vanderbilt University, it is guaranteed that within four years, they will ALL be well educated bright young men and women who will go well beyond sports to be productive citizens.

Do you have the ability to fog a mirror? Can you walk upright and feed yourself (mostly)? Can you run like a gazelle and block like a bear, crushing other men in your path? Can you shoot a leather ball through a hoop and elbow other men (or women) in the nose when you jump to grab that leather ball? Excellent! You're admitted to the University of Tennessee!

Every student athlete attending the University of Tennessee in Knoxville is also a pot-smoking, gun-toting thug who beats their wife/girlfriend. They are not just average, but dumb to the core and incapable of learning and success beyond sports. Lucky not to end up in prison (like most do), they never graduate and only serve their purpose by scoring touchdowns/3-pointers for the ignorant, hillbilly Jethro Nation UT fans who are toothless, moonshine-swilling degenerates.

Vanderbilt University alumni are voraciously gobbled up by the economy. Potential employers clamor for their services and are known to go into no-holds-barred bidding wars to recruit them because of their incomparable abilities and intellect. And those are the ones that don't go on to law or medical school.

Have you been to a car wash lately? The scraggly, ne'er-do-wells that dry your Vanderbilt-University-recent-graduate S-class Mercedes with dirty rags? Those are the vermin that just left UT. Whatever you do, don't make eye contact with them. They're filthy, smelly, and uneducated. When not working (which is most of the time) they clog up the justice system with assault and drug arrests. Vanderbilt educated attorneys occasionally defend them pro bono (that's free, Jethro Nation) when they're not working on a high-profile corporate merger or other million-dollar litigation.

There you have it! Now you know the difference between "UT" and Vanderbilt University. Hopefully you'll never have to associate with any of those UT people.