Honestly, people you want to party with is a completely subjective thing, so there will be a vast majority of readers who vehemently disagree with some of these selections.
Actually, I know from experience that a fairly large chunk of readers are going to hate everyone on this list and will have a bone to pick with me at its conclusion. Assuming they read all the way through. The fact of the matter is that people "party" in different ways.
There are different strokes for different folks, and one man's trash is another man's treasure. You feel me, bro? I think you do. Which is why I want to be up front with you right now in a way that is going to put us all in a more honest place.
Because the who, what, why and where of partying vary so much from person-to-person, I suppose this is more of a list of people that I'd hate to party with. Maybe you like that and are looking forward to learning more about me and the type of athlete that I would avoid on the party circuit. Assuming I was ever included on a party circuit.
Or perhaps it makes you angry because you think I should have tried harder to read your mind and meet your needs. Just remember that partying is not an exact science, everyone does it different. Either way, you gotta respect the honesty—right?
Now that we've established all that we've needed to establish, let's get down to business. In reality, I'd probably say yes to almost any athlete who wanted to party (I'd skip O.J. Simpson's birthday), just for the story. But here are 20 that I'd seriously considering declining an invitation to party with.
He's probably counseling them about their life decisions.
Two words for you: Straight Edge. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson would probably be thrilled to know that I don't want to party with him because of his straight-edge lifestyle because he wouldn't want to have anything to do with my boozing ways.
Don't get me wrong, I respect the whole straight-edge thing. I think it's definitely healthy, it takes commitment and it probably keeps people out of trouble. But for me, straight edge folks remind me a lot of vegans, in that they both like to talk a lot about their life choices. They post on Facebook and Twitter, bring it up at social gatherings, ask a lot of questions about your lifestyle in order to draw a stark comparison to theirs, and they like to celebrate it with tattoos and clothing.
If my idea of a party included getting a tattoo and then handing out pamphlets to troubled youth, then I'd want to party with Wilson. But it doesn't. I'd much rather knock back shots at the bar, play irritating music and then puke in the bushes outside before hopping into a cab to head home.
Eli Manning, the two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback of the Giants, is one of the most amiable people in professional sports. He's got a quiet confidence, a friendly disposition and an unflappable nature that makes him look as peaceful as a sleeping kitten under the most stressful of circumstances.
And unlike certain Jets players who won't be named, because they won't say their names, Manning has never (and will never) allow himself to be baited by the media into giving them controversial, headline grabbing gossip. He's just as sweet as sugar. Which is exactly why I wouldn't want to party with him.
The Jets and the Giants are kinda like the girl you date and the girl you marry. I want to party with the Jets and bring the Giants home to mom.
I actually feel terrible about this because, as many regular readers know, I was pretty much born a Penguins fan and Sidney Crosby is one of my all-time favorite athletes. That being said, Sid The Kid is…well…kind of a nerd.
After being drafted by the Pens, Crosby lived with team owner (and legendary player) Mario Lemieux and his family for years. Heck, for all I know, he still lives with Lemieux! He fails miserably each year at growing a beard, stays completely out of trouble off the ice, and hand delivers season tickets to the elderly.
Even if you hate the person and/or the player, there's no denying that Crosby is an upstanding citizen who never lets his hair down in public.
When you go out for a night on the town or to a party, the evening usually starts pretty civilized. Everyone's clothes are still in tact, nobody is crying and the voices all around you are at a reasonable volume. At the end of the night, it probably all seems the same, but if you've ever soberly walked by a nightclub at closing time, you know that everything is flipped on its ear.
Men's shirts are unbuttoned and untucked, women are missing shoes and crying, and everyone is talking to their friends as if they are 50 to 100 yards away. Well, people not using their inside voices is one of my pet peeves and Herm Edwards, one of ESPN's many resident screamers, is either unable or unwilling to control the volume of his voice.
Edwards has three settings that I've seen: Loud, louder and loudest. A night of alcohol-fueled festivities could very well bring those levels to excruciating new heights.
You know you couldn't hang with this.
PGA golfer John Daly's hard-partying ways and notoriously hot temper have made him an absolute legend. He's been busted "peeing off" (thanks TMZ!) at Pebble Beach, been accused of trying to attack his ex-wife with a knife, smashed the camera of an unlucky fan at the Australian Open, and in 2008 he was detained by police after passing out at a North Carolina Hooters following an awful lot of drinking.
Daly has dropped a few pounds and cleaned up his act in recent years, although he still dresses like a clown at a job interview, but a leopard doesn't change its spots. The reason I wouldn't want to party with Daly isn't because I don't think it wouldn't be legen…wait for it…dary! Frankly, I just don't think I could hang.
I'd probably end up in a dumpster somewhere in a puddle of my own vomit and then get an early morning call from Daly inviting me out for Bloody Mary's. You just know he's a "hair-of-the-dog" type.
This guy. Jeez.
Admittedly, if you party with struggling Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, you're more than likely going to be able to pick up chicks. You'll get into all of the best clubs. You'll be part of the center of attention of any room you're in with him. And he's rich as hell, so he'll probably pick up the tab.
But here's the rub: You'll have to hang out with him. A-Rod is smug, monotone and there's nothing he loves more than himself. This one may be a toss up for a lot of you, but I've done my pro and con list, and I've decided it's just not worth it.
Also...there's always the chance that his idea of a party involves everyone just staring at his reflection in a mirror. Shudder.
That's just a name on a jersey, not a life style.
Metta World Peace is like the lovable loon of the Lakers who may or may not bellow you in the face at any given moment. I actually like MWP. I think he's entertaining, he says insane things and he engages in awkward sexting that makes me laugh.
He's basically a blender without a lid who is usually harmless. The only problem with partying with MWP is that when he's not harmless, he's actually pretty scary and unpredictable and, like the winds, it can shift at any time.
MWP actually reminds me a little bit of the Incredible Hulk…if he was good at science.
This is not a dude who parties seriously.
Perhaps Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow played a few games of beer pong during his days as the biggest big man on campus at the University of Florida. There's no way the Gators legend lived like a saint his entire time in Gainesville.
But now with every Evangelical prying eye in America on him and living under the intense media spotlight, there's no way that Tebow would be willing to kick back and do any serious partying these days. I'd definitely hit up a PG-13 movie with him, though. Or maybe an ice cream social.
He's probably just pondering his post-game interviews.
The Flyers have been one of the most consistently competitive teams in the NHL in recent years, but have long had a problem in goal. So in June 2011, when they signed Russian goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov to a massive nine-year contract worth $51 million, they probably thought they had taken a step in the right direction.
They paid for a battle-tested brick wall in net, but instead they got an inconsistent clown who basks in the media attention that his poorly delivered jokes and awkwardly spun yarns have earned him in the states.
In short…the dude is kind of a weirdo…and nobody wants to party with the weirdo. Bryzgalov, who wasn't starting, spent 30 minutes speaking to the media prior to the Winter Classic in January 2012, and everything he said was either unintelligible or insane.
During the Flyers playoff series against the Penguins in 2012, the comedic stylings of Bryzgalov once again made headlines when he awkwardly explained that he wasn't afraid of penguins because bears in the forest are much scarier. Occasionally, he falls down for no apparent reason. Oh, and it turns out that he's kind of a jag! In November 2012, he refused to speak to the Russian media after a win for "writing filth" about him in the past.
So…he's an overpaid jag who isn't terribly good at his job, an amateur comedian with stupid jokes and a media-obsessed diva who holds grudges when they don't say nice things about him. Something tells me he does most of his partying alone.
At what age is a man too old for a feather boa?
Hey brother! I'm not going to pretend that I've ever been particularly fond of wrestler Hulk Hogan. I've actually become a bit of a wrestling fan in recent years, but I still find everything about Hogan revolting, and the thought of partying with him makes my skin crawl.
First of all, he married a woman half of his age who looks exactly like his daughter—who he is uncomfortably handsy with. Then there's the handlebar mustache, doo rag, unnatural tan, roided out muscles and the fact that he's rocking the same hairstyle as Janice from the Muppets.
Oh, and how about his new career as an amateur porn star and the fact that he's friends with someone named Bubba the Love Sponge, who allowed the Hulkster to have sex with his wife and film it? Gross.
Go out partying with Hulk and expect something uncomfortable, unforgettable and unquestionably nasty to happen.
You won't like him when he's angry.
Lions fans are probably getting all hostile right now thinking that I don't want to party with Pro Bowl defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh because of his reputation of being a hot head on the field or his penchant for upending quarterbacks.
Trust me, that has nothing to do with it. I'm still not sure what Suh is all about on or off the field, so under normal circumstances I'd like to party with him and find out. But a profile of Suh in the September 2012 issue of GQ painted a very interesting and complex picture of him.
The overall tone of the piece wasn't negative, but Suh came off looking like an introspective, untrusting mute who only talks when cajoled enough by his sister/manager. Overall a fascinating read, but it definitely took him off the list of celebrities I want to party with.
Dodgers pitcher Josh Beckett is exactly the type of person disliked by the type of person that I like. Maybe you relate to Beckett in some way, or think he's misunderstood, or just like him for whatever reason—that's fine. I think you're very misguided, but that is your right.
I'm just saying that Beckett has most of the loathsome qualities in a person that I try to avoid when I want to have a good time. Beckett is mean, condescending, he wears one of those stupid power necklaces, he's lazy and he has a soul patch.
And he's a defiant jerk when called on any of these things. Although, I suspect not too many people call him on his soul patch—but I would, especially after a few drinks. If we actually went out partying, things between Beckett and I would probably get uglier than with any other person on this list.
It's only downhill from here.
Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is one of the most solemn-looking athletes in all of professional sports, and he's got a bad attitude and sour disposition to boot. For someone like that, adding alcohol and a party atmosphere into the mix doesn't make them happier—it usually makes them angrier.
If you've ever seen the Disney version of The Three Musketeers, just imagine partying with Kiefer Sutherland's character Athos, and you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone around him is partying and he's drinking alone with his knife telling stories of the woman who betrayed him.
Retired Braves pitcher John Rocker's claim to fame was outing himself as one of the worst people in the world in a Sports Illustrated profile of him in late 1999. Rocker complained about all the "foreigners" in New York, explained that Japanese women can't drive, accused everyone that rides the subway of being a welfare mother or having AIDS and referred to a black teammate as a "fat monkey."
But don't worry, Rocker assured the interviewer that he was not a racist. Today, Rocker is pretty much the same guy he was in 1999, sadly. He spends his time chastising people for not speaking English, writing terrible books that nobody buys and has recently began a career as a political columnist. A bad one.
Maybe Rush Limbaugh would want to party and take pills with Rocker, but I'd rather be stuck in a bear trap.
Let's first give Bengals Adam "Pacman" Jones credit. Believe it or not, it's been nearly 18 months since the troubled cornerback was last arrested. For someone who for years seemed he couldn't leave his home without getting arrested for something, Jones has a pretty nice streak going for himself right now. Let's hope it sticks.
That being said, there are two reasons that I would never want to party with Pacman Jones. First, every party he attends will increase the odds that he all be arrested—that's just statistical law. But more importantly, I remember how Jones used to party in his heyday, and that's not anything I want to be involved with.
Mostly because I'm respectful of women. I know damn well that when you "make it rain" on a stripper, that money then becomes hers. What kind of person "makes it rain" and then tries to recollect the money and explain that it was just for effect? Probably the same kind of person that gets kicked out for it and comes back to shoot up the strip club.
Thanks, but no thanks. That's just not how I roll, y'all.
You ready to get arrested?
Retired UFC fighter and host of MTV’s Bully Beatdown Jason “Mayhem” Miller is kind of a loose cannon, something you probably gathered by virtue of his nickname.
Though he wasn’t a dominant force in the Octagon, Miller made a name for himself by straddling the line between enigmatic and deranged, engaging in a veritable grab-bag of incidents—from outright violence to bizarre.
He was fined and suspended three months in 2010 after he interrupted former opponent Jake Shields during a post-match interview and started a brawl with Shields and his crew. More recently, Miller was arrested in August for vandalizing a church with a fire extinguisher, after police found him inside, sitting naked on a couch.
During an interview on MMA Hour in October (which was a follow-up to one he stormed out of a few weeks earlier), Miller told host Ariel Helwani that his bizarre behavior is all part of a “social experiment” designed to test the MMA community’s response to “mental health issues.” Um...okay?
Imagine how a night of bar crawling with “Mayhem” would likely end—with you and Miller doing something on par with naked church vandalism. This is how two meth addicts party, not two friends.
Next time you'll be wearing those cuffs.
We all know that Floyd "Money" Mayweather knows how to party. He knows how to throw a party. He knows how to attend a party. He knows how to make things that obviously aren't a party, a party. That being said, every time you go out with Mayweather, you're rolling the dice. This guy doesn't believe in banks and usually carries around about a minimum of $50,000 in giant stacks of $20s.
Mayweather adorns himself in fur, is dripping in diamonds and he has a hairpin trigger that is known to get him in trouble. Well, it gets someone in trouble. When you party with Floyd, someone is always in line to be his fall guy.
Do you want to be his fall guy?
She's not that innocent.
I hate making negative statements about U.S. women's national soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo because those statements are often met with cat-fight references and/or accusations of jealousy. Whatever though, you gotta live your life—right?
I'm not picking on Solo because she's a woman, I'm picking on her because she seems truly terrible. And nobody wants to party with a jerk. Solo made headlines in 2011 for behaving like a petulant child after being eliminated from ABC's Dancing with the Stars and went on to accuse the producers of rigging the show in her book. She embarrassed herself and her entire team during the 2012 Olympics in London when she went on a Twitter tirade directed at her former teammate Brandi Chastain for making comments that Solo took exception to.
And just recently she married her boyfriend of two months, former NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens, the day after having him arrested for domestic assault. Stevens has one of the NFL's more impressively long criminal rap sheets of the last decade (here's a rundown), including some very seriously and disturbing accusations of sexual assault in his past.
Normally there's nothing I like more than a night out with the girls, but I'd rather spend a night out with a drunk and handsy Chris Berman than with Solo and her new groom.
When I first heard that Raiders linebacker Rolando McClain was arrested in late 2011, I didn't think much of it. I mean…he is a Raider. But then as the details began to emerge, it became increasingly apparent that this was no run of the mill arrest for DUI or simple possession.
If you aren't familiar with the details, I'll brief you. McClain was home in Alabama for the funeral of his grandfather and ended up in a tussle with man near his home. The two fought until McClain pulled out a gun and fired it next to the man's head and then made him beg for his life before allowing him to leave the scene and seek medical treatment for his injuries. Naturally the victim filed a police report, and this (see photo) is what McClain looked like at the time of arrest.
Listen, I don't know if he was out partying or looking for a gun fight or what. All I know is that a night with Rolando McClain could very well end up with a gun pointed at your face with you begging for your life as a maniacal faced McClain decides whether you get to live or die. After a few drinks, he'd probably be leaning toward the latter.
That looks about right.
Queens Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is what my grandmother would have called a "bad apple." In fact, the entire Barton clan might be nothing but bad apples. He and several of his siblings have been locked up for a variety of offenses over the years, and his brother Michael Barton is serving life for a racially motivated murder in 2005.
Barton is quite simply a badass brawler who, if he doesn't actively go out looking for fights, surely never shies away from one—on or off the pitch. His involvement in a violent assault was caught on video in 2008. Barton is currently serving a 12-match ban for his violent conduct on the field during QPR's final match of last season against Manchester City.
Apparently it got extended by one game recently, and Barton went on a Twitter tirade about it and has accused the FA of being out to get him. Barton is angry, paranoid and prone to visciously violent outbursts. The last place I want to be is around him after he's knocked back a few pints.
A young Joe Namath. Broadway Joe was so suave that he didn't even attend parties...they just became parties when he arrived.
If you want some more Chuck Norris facts about Joe Namath, you're going to have to follow me on the Twitter machine. Plus, following me is a great way to earn some points with the man upstairs.
Actually, I'm not sure if that second part was true...but it could be.