The past Sunday was the best Sunday I’ve had since football season ended, AND I was part of history. Why? I attended the inaugural US Pole Dancing Championships in NYC.
"What an athlete"
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume most guys have been to a strip bar. And of those of us who have gone, who hasn’t uttered the phrase: "Bro, you can’t change her—she’s only talking to you cuz you’re feeding her 20s." I digress.
What we’ve also probably said at some point is, "Wow, it takes some athletic ability to hang upside down and fly around in nine-inch heels around a slimy subway pole." And Eddie Shore agrees—if you think about it, pole dancing really is a skill. Some girls have it, and some girls have pride and sense of self worth.
And now, those of you women who like to pole dance have option three to display your pole dancing talent and gain notoriety*: The US Pole Dancing Championship.
*The first two being stripping and porn.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: “The definition of stripping is taking your clothes off. I don’t take my clothes off, so it’s not a stripper pole”—Contestant. (E. Shore comment: OK, then let’s agree to call it a skank pole.)
"Just FYI, she 'is' a stripper."
And don’t laugh about this whole competition, because this was a legitimate championship. It had all the earmarks of a championship. First, they called it a "championship." Also, it had judges. It took place at a sold-out theater (of at least 80 people). And they had a logo on a banner printed from Kinko's. In some ways, it was more legit than the BCS.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: “A lot of hard work and dedication that started in August with the booking of the theater.”—Tracy, sister of co-founder of event.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: The Bleeker Street Theater actually had another event running concurrent with the US PDC—a children’s play (no joke). (Nice to see little kids and "self-employed law students" in such close proximity. Good work and dedication ladies.)
The competition even had "two" rounds: a compulsory portion, and a second, more unique "show us what you got" portion.
Compulsory! Like there are signature moves that every "legit" World Champion pole dancer should have. Imagine what those moves could be: The "Use the Pole like a Pole standard," the "Swing around like you have no pride technical," the "bend over to show the loser in the front row you want him in the Champagne room after you're off the main stage look." Very mandatory.
More importantly, why isn’t this on NBC?
Costas: "Uh-oh, that reverse upside-down split-slide down the pole looked shaky. The Russian judges aren’t going to like that. She better impress them in the individual program with the way she picks up the dingy singles with her boobs, or she could be out of medal contention." Classic.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: “I’m a teacher”—Contestant. (E. Shore was shocked)
Pretty funny random observation / quote: “I teach pole dancing.”—Contestant. (E. Shore believes the Universe makes sense again.)
And hey, to be fair, Eddie Shore realizes that not all of these girls were strippers and hookers. I’m sure some were just normal "athletic" girls—with daddy issues. Just because someone dresses slutty and dances in front of strangers on a pole for money doesn’t make them a stripper.*
*Actually, that’s almost exactly the definition.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: “It’s just like gymnastics with a vertical pole.”—Tracy, sister of co-founder of event. (E. Shore comment: hahahahahahaha)
Hey, did you know the winner got an opportunity to compete in the World Pole and Fitness championships in Jamaica? Awesome. Just a thought: There isn’t enough Windex in the world to wash those poles after that disaster.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: Unscientific guess of average height of competitor’s high heels: seven inches.
Most unique stripper shoes: Clear plastic, with water and live goldfish in them. (E. Shore comment: Which the toddlers present seemed to enjoy.)
"This just screams classy."
Pretty funny random observation / quote: Question: “Real or fake?”
Response: “Every time I get asked this question now I say, really heavy”—Denise, competitor. (E. Shore comment: So fake.)
Pretty funny random observation / quote: "They’ve been there for almost 11 years so they’re mine"—Denise, two seconds later, after admitting they were fake. (E. Shore comment: Fake shock)
"Next on the main stage, whoever has the best stage name."
In the end, Eddie Shore was forced to put aside his preconceptions about the girls all being strippers, all using fake names, and all being insecure, and just respect the pure competition aspect. FYI, a girl named Jenyne (pronounced Jenny) Butterfly (because she wore Butterfly earrings) won the whole shebang. What about that seems contradictory to Eddie’s above statements? See you next* year ladies.
*Or just next on the main stage.
Pretty funny random observation / quote: They can call it whatever they want, but yes, I left there and wore the stench of strip club all over me. Difference was, I still had the $300, and I was sober.—Eddie Shore.
For more Eddie Shore, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (real guys holding sports accountable), or if you hate the WNBA, try www.dbbsports.com<http://www.dbbsports.com> .
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