DISCLAIMER: Just so we're absolutely clear: This is fake. So is everything that's set in the future. It's for having a little Friday fun, that's all, and if we can't even laugh at the coach who won't tell you the time of day because he thinks you'll use it against him, what's the point of laughter?
Anyway, enjoy our fake joke satire. Which is not real.
SCENE: It's late July in 2013, and here is a packed ballroom with hundreds of reporters hunched over laptops at the tables set up therein. At the podium on the dais stands a large man in a blue polo shirt, and the room's attention is fixated on him. Off to the side, an earnest, helpful aide introduces him.
Aide: Up next, coming off another successful season in which his team went back to a January bowl game, from the University of Michigan, head coach Brady Hoke.
Hoke: (stares angrily at the aide)
Hoke: We're just going to give all that information away? Fine, whatever.
Aide: Opening remarks are yours, Coach, and then we'll take some questions.
Hoke: Well, I guess we'll do what old Loose Lips over here (gestures at aide) says. We're happy with how last year went, obviously, and we're intent on winning a conference championship this year and taking that next step. First thing is, at quarterback, we're not going to have Denard Robinson this year. At all. I'm not going to get into that too much for his sake, but—
Reporter: He's in the NFL.
Hoke: I can't speak to that.
Reporter: We all know where—
Hoke: All I know is he is in an undisclosed location. I'm not going to give you more updates than that. That's not fair to him.
Reporter: That's not fair to us!
Hoke: As I was trying to say, we have to move on from him at quarterback, and we'll do that this year. We're looking at some guys, not going to say who, but we'll give it a shot there.
Reporter #2: You mean Devin Gardner, Russell Bellomy and Shane Morris, right? Those are your three QBs.
Hoke: (shoots reporter a withering glare)
Reporter #2: I mean, that's pretty obvious. Anyone who's spent any time watching—
Hoke: You know, it's guys like you that give reporters a bad name.
Reporter #2:—watching your team at all—
Hoke: Always pre-judging and inserting your own bias into the story instead of getting the information from me.
Reporter #2: But you don't give us information and what you do tell us is frequently wrong.
Hoke: Maybe you're frequently wrong.
Reporter #2: I assure you I'm not.
Hoke: Well, just to prove that I am actually forthcoming, here's the deal. I'm prepared to announce that I made the decision to suspend Fitzgerald Toussaint for the first game of the 2012 season.
Reporter #1: The...wait, you're talking about the one from last year?
Hoke: Yes. There you go. I announced it.
Reporter #1: That was 10 months ago!
Hoke: Well, I'm comfortable disclosing it now. Sorry if I don't work on the same schedule as all of you. I'm just a football coach.
Reporter #1: (closes laptop, storms out of room)
Reporter #2: Coach, can you talk about Jake Ryan and what he means to your defense?
Reporter #2: Don't do this.
Hoke: I have no earthly idea who you're talking about.
Reporter #2: You gave him a special number during the season. He has long blond surfer hair. He's your starting linebacker. He's Jake Ryan.
Hoke: I haven't made any decisions about starters at this point, so I don't know who or what you're talking about.
Reporter #2: (bangs head on table until the sweet release of unconsciousness consumes him)
Reporter #3: Okay, how's this: What is the name of the school you coach for?
Hoke: I'm not going to answer questions about things like that.
Reporter #3: (takes flask out of pocket, chugs it all, passes out, probably needs medical attention)
Aide: I think we have time for one more question.
Hoke: WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY ALL THE SECRETS?!
Hoke: That counts as the last question. Okay, bye-bye everyone.
Michigan athletic director Dave Brandon, standing in the back of the room: (claps feverishly)