Fair warning: I'm awesome at fantasy football.
People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
OK, confession. Both of those paragraphs were completely untrue, but as the week creeps forward and you must scour the internets for fantasy football rankings and lineup advice for those crucial Week 7 decisions, I'm here for you.
Like a lonely puppy.
Anyways, with six teams on a bye this week and a slew of important injuries, lineup decisions are going to be even more important than usual. Let's take a look how the top fantasy options stack up against each other.
Insert funny caption here.
1. Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints
Drew Brees is throwing for 344 yards per game (first in the NFL). He has thrown for 14 touchdowns in five games. The Saints throw the ball over 70 percent of the time, most in the NFL, and will have to throw it just as much against the Bucs, owners of one of the most stout running defenses in the league. Tampa Bay also happens to be one of the worst teams against the pass. Also, the Saints can't stop anyone, so a shootout is likely.
Any of the Top 5 could finish the week at No. 1, but Brees has too much in his favor not to rank him here.
2. Eli Manning, New York Giants
3. Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins
4. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers
5. Tom Brady, New England Patriots
6. Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers
7. Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers
8. Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts
9. Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals
10. Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys
11. Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions
12. Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
1. Arian Foster, Houston Texans
Despite seeing his yards per carry average drop to 3.8 this season, Foster is still without a doubt an elite option, mostly because he's an absolute workhorse.
Australian for Beer has carried the ball an insane 149 times through six games, putting him on pace for just under 400 carries and he's Houston's best threat in the red zone (his seven rushing touchdowns lead the league).
Give him a matchup at home against a Ravens defense that is getting cut up on the ground and is now without Ray Lewis and watch him run absolutely rampant.
2. Maurice Jones-Drew, Jacksonville Jaguars
3. Ray Rice, Baltimore Ravens
4. Trent Richardson, Cleveland Browns
5. Matt Forte, Chicago Bears
6. Alfred Morris, Washington Redskins
7. Darren McFadden, Oakland Raiders
8. Stevan Ridley, New England Patriots
9. Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings
10. Doug Martin, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
11. Ahmad Bradshaw, New York Giants
12. Chris Johnson, Tennessee Titans
13. Marshawn Lynch, Seattle Seahawks
14. C.J. Spiller, Buffalo Bills
15. Felix Jones, Dallas Cowboys
16. Darren Sproles, New Orleans Saints
17. Fred Jackson, Buffalo Bills
18. Mikel Leshoure, Detroit Lions
19. Steven Jackson, St. Louis Rams
20. Frank Gore, San Francisco 49ers
1. Victor Cruz, New York Giants
It's hard to put anyone ahead of Calvin Johnson and A.J. Green at this point, but Cruz, who has been Salsa Dancing all over the league, is certainly deserving.
The 25-year-old has already gotten a ridiculous 70 targets from Eli Manning (although that pace is bound to slow a little as Hakeem Nicks' health improves) and he's pulled in 43 of those for 496 yards and six touchdowns. That's a pace for 114 catches, 1,324 yards and 16 touchdowns.
In Week 7, Cruz gets a tasty matchup against the Washington Redskins, who are allowing 328.3 passing yards per game, which is worst in the NFL.
2. A.J. Green, Cincinnati Bengals
3. Calvin Johnson, Detroit Lions
4. Brandon Marshall, Denver Broncos
5. Percy Harvin, Minnesota Vikings
6. Marques Colston, New Orleans Saints
7. Wes Welker, New England Patriots
8. Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals
9. Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis Colts
10. Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys
11. Mike Wallace, Pittsburgh Steelers
12. Vincent Jackson, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
13. Kenny Britt, Tennessee Titans
14. Jordy Nelson, Green Bay Packers
15. Hakeem Nicks, New York Giants
16. Antonio Brown, Pittsburgh Steelers
17. Andre Johnson, Houston Texans
18. Steve Johnson, Buffalo Bills
19. Torrey Smith, Baltimore Ravens
20. Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers
1. Owen Daniels, Houston Texans
And boom goes the dynamite.
There's a lot of uncertainty at the tight end position this week. Vernon Davis, who hasn't scored in three weeks, plays the stingy Seahawks. Aaron Hernandez and Jimmy Graham have Stephen Curry-like ankles. Rob Gronkowski is too busy being a bro.
Enter Daniels, who leads the Texans in receptions and touchdowns, is just one yard behind Andre Johnson and faces a Ravens team that might have to play me at linebacker.
2. Vernon Davis, San Francisco 49ers
3. Aaron Hernandez, New England Patriots
4. Jimmy Graham, New Orleans Saints
5. Jason Witten, Dallas Cowboys
6. Rob Gronkowski, New England Patriots
7. Kyle Rudolph, Minnesota Vikings
8. Heath Miller, Pittsburgh Steelers
9. Greg Olsen, Carolina Panthers
10. Martellus Bennett, New York Giants
11. Fred Davis, Washington Redskins
12. Jermaine Gresham, Cincinnati Bengals
1. Greg Zuerlein, St. Louis Rams
I don't care how many field goals he missed last week. His nicknames are "Greg the Leg," "Legatron" and "Young GZ." He's always my No. 1 kicker.
2. Sebastian Janikowski, Oakland Raiders
3. David Akers, San Francisco 49ers
4. Blair Walsh, Minnesota Vikings
5. Stephen Gostkowski, New England Patriots
6. Mason Crosby, Green Bay Packers
7. Lawrence Tynes, New York Giants
8. Robbie Gould, Chicago Bears
9. Dan Bailey, Dallas Cowboys
10. Phil Dawson, Cleveland Browns
1. Chicago Bears
The Lions will earn a lot of yards and probably score some points on Monday night, but Matthew Stafford isn't a stranger to turnovers, and the Bears have the most play-making defense in the NFL.
Whether it be via picks, fumbles, sacks or touchdowns, Chicago's defense will rack up points.
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Seattle Seahawks
4. San Francisco 49ers
5. Green Bay Packers
6. New England Patriots
7. Arizona Cardinals
8. Dallas Cowboys
9. Houston Texans
10. Oakland Raiders
11. Pittsburgh Steelers
12. New York Giants