Neymar: 5 People Who Should Teach the Brazilian Starlet English
Sure, sure, he also said he wants to learn Spanish. But that shouldn't stop the rumor mill from pumping out endless schlock about his impending move to Chelsea, right?
While they're doing that, we here at Set Piece decided to take a different tack. If the Brazilian starlet wants to learn English, we say that's great.
And if he's looking for a teacher, we know just who could get the job done.
As this is a football blog, it only makes sense to start with a footballer.
But instead of going for a boring, grammatically correct footballer, we've opted for someone more colorful—and less intelligible.
Behold the glorious Scouse accent of Jamie Carragher.
Pros: Neymar would learn real English from a genuine Liverpool boy. And he'll probably learn some outstanding slang along the way.
Cons: Neymar would probably need to be subtitled whenever he appears on TV. As in, all the time. Few would understand him outside Liverpool.
To balance out the Scouse, we need a dash of the Queen's English. For a dash of the Queen's English, we need a member of the Royal Family.
In this case, the only realistic option is Prince Harry. Prince William is married (and his wife is having paparazzi problems). Prince Charles is too old, and the Queen is the Queen.
It'll have to be Harry, which might be a pretty good thing if you think about it. He's young (about six years older than Neymar), clearly loves to have fun and probably wouldn't mind the publicity.
Pros: Come on, he's Prince Harry.
Cons: You might end up being photographed naked in Vegas. Or is that a positive?
Enough of the Old World charm. Let's head across the Atlantic.
All the way to the Left Coast and soccer enthusiast Snoop Dogg.
Pros: Neymar would receive a new hip-hop name. There would also be lots of babes, cars, bling and whatever else you might want.
Cons: Whatever else you might want. Don't touch anything!
Honey Boo Boo
Neymar needs a little twang in his English. Who better to teach him than Honey Boo Boo?
Honey Boo Boo, real name Alana Thompson, is a six-year-old beauty queen from a rural part of the U.S. state of Georgia.
Her TV show drew higher ratings than the 2012 Republican National Convention. Clearly, then, this is the seat of American power.
Pros: Another batch of colorful slang, more subtitles and Southern comfort food. Neymar would put some badly needed meat on his bones.
Cons: None. Obviously.
Yeah, Jersey Shore is played out. It's passé, it's done, and none of us will be able to distinguish a Snooki from a J-Woww in two more years.
All the same, it's been a magnificent run, and the cast has taught us plenty about themselves and even ourselves.
OK, maybe not, but at least Pauly D could teach Neymar all about GTL and DTF, and maybe he could even work the Brazilian youngster into the MVP rotation.
Here's to dreaming.
Pros: They would automatically have the best hair duo on earth. GTL all day every day, at least whenever there's no soccer. Plenty more slang, possibly more subtitles and bonus DJ-ing lessons.
Cons: Neymar might have to be tested for performance-enhancing substances.