With the exciting announcement that Arrested Development is finally coming back, I’ve decided to give the show some help. We all know that it was canceled in the first place because of poor ratings. Well, why should the ratings be any better if it’s just the same old show with precise comedic timing, clever writing and an astoundingly high laugh quotient?
No, they need to shake things up a bit if they’re going to be successful this time around. The kind of TV that is popular nowadays features famous people doing things that aren’t what made them famous, and that they can’t do very well. With that in mind, here are the famous athletes I think the producers should hire to replace the cast and revive the series with a ratings bang.
Tiger Woods: George Bluth
How many times do you think Tiger blew off weekends at the family cabin with Sam with the old “Oh sorry buddy. This girl's dad got sick and I'm taking her to the hospital,” before Sam got the picture. Just as it is with George, it appears Tiger’s best days are behind him (he hasn’t won a major since 2008). But like George, Tiger still has plenty of money to get by and ease his troubles (there’s always money in the banan...I mean Nike endorsements).
Drew Brees: Michael Bluth
Like Michael, Drew Brees helped bring his organization great success. And just as the Bluth Company was hesitant to put Michael in charge during their scandal, the Saints were hesitant to give Brees what he wanted during theirs (an offseason contract). Now, like Michael, Drew has been left with the reins to try and rebuild from the ashes after a scandal left his organization leaderless. At 1-4, Drew has a bit of work to do before the Saints get bumped up from “Sell” to “Don’t Buy.”
Joe Namath: GOB
Joe Namath looked like a magician in Super Bowl III when he successfully predicted his Jets would beat the heavily-favored Baltimore Colts. But the true “illusion” turned out to be his image as a Hall of Fame quarterback (he finished his career with a 50 percent completion percentage and more interceptions than touchdowns). Certainly the clip of Namath making a pass at ESPN’s Suzy Kolber on live television evokes memories of GOB accosting Michael’s girlfriend. I’d also like to think Namath realized he made “a huge mistake” when he briefly retired to open a sordid bar called “Bachelors III.”
Tonya Harding: Lucille Bluth
I’m not sure if hitting your scootering son with your car is worse than hiring someone to cripple your skating competitor. Either way, when you throw in the alcoholism, I think we can agree these two are pretty much one in the same.
Andre Agassi: Oscar Bluth
The drug use? The long hair? (Agassi now claims it was a wig, but I think it looks just as real as Oscar’s does on the show, and we know that’s not a wig). When you consider these two also share the unfortunate distinction of being on the losing end of a rivalry (Pete Sampras got the better of Agassi just as George did with Oscar throughout the show), Agassi looks like a perfect fit to play Oscar.
Brad Childress: Tobias Funke
Okay, this one is based purely on looks and not personality. Childress looks too much like Tobias for me not to take advantage of this. Besides, I’m not in the business of speculating on athletes’ sexuality (you’re welcome, Tim Tebow).
Anna Kournikova: Lindsay Funke
Kournikova was about as accomplished in her tennis career as Lindsay is in her activist pursuits and work at the Bluth company. Just as Lindsay almost saves a tree in a first season episode, Kournikova almost made it to a singles’ Grand Slam final once. Almost.
Alexander Ovechkin: Buster Bluth
Some may be surprised to see the toughest player in the NHL cast as Baby Buster, but let’s not forget that Buster served in the Army. And despite all his toughness, there may not be a bigger mama’s boy in sports than Ovi. Much like Buster, the Washington Capitals star has a relationship with his mother that some deem unhealthy. But even Buster would probably say Mrs. Ovechkin is going too far when she handles Ovi’s contract negotiations for him.
Garo Yepremian: George Michael Bluth
Anyone who’s seen Garo Yepremian’s infamous attempt at throwing a pass in Super Bowl VII can understand where Mitchell Hurwitz got the inspiration for George Michael’s humorous lack of ball skills. Just as Yepremian found his athletic niche in kicking, George Michael found his in hanging motionless from the monkey bars.
Diana Taurasi: Maeby Funke
Everyone knows about the Williams sisters and the U.S. women’s soccer team, but women’s basketball gets about as much attention in this country as lacrosse. Just as Maeby’s success as a movie producer goes unnoticed by her family, Taurasi has won ESPY’s, WNBA MVP Awards, and championships that plenty of people have ignored. Sure, we know Taurasi exists (just as the Bluth’s know Maeby exists). We just don’t pay attention to anything she does.